CD?? - A new start

Well so I screwed things up when I went off the pill early this past month but I just had to...just had to...really had no choice. Result is that we have no idea where we stand in the fact of where in a cycle I am. Went in to the Dr yesterday morning and we talked and he did his scan...cyst is gone so yay...even though he had a really difficult time locating Ethel...she's a shy girl...either that or she just likes to roam...or both really. Lining in my uterus was only 7mm so he didn't think I was getting to a point to start bleeding even...Hell I feel like I've spotted enough in the past two weeks to constitute a period almost...ugh

We talked about the stress that has been involved with the past IUI process...the money is most of the stress for me. Even if it's a loan that's a gift to me...it's still money...and nothing stresses me out more than money. I want to try these big guns he's proposed but that's adding another 450-500 bucks to the mix bringing the monthly tally up to a grand. I know it's not about the money...it's bout the chance to get pregnant...it doesn't matter how I look at it though...I see the money out as gambling cos there is nothing for sure in this process...and that's a huge stress on me. So I asked him if we could go back to the simpler method that would alleviate the major money stress for me and the cheaper method worked before, just didn't stick for whatever reason we want to blame it on. He's luckily agreed to do that with me.

I am back on Femara. He said now was as good a time to start as any since we have no idea where to put me on a cycle chart. (BTW - in case I hadn't mentioned it previously, I went off the birth control pills early because of the humongously negative effect it had on my moods and overall psyche. It got bad and I got smart and stopped them and the Dr is OK with this...just puts me in a weird chart place now...) I started the Femara last night which I normally would do on Day 3 so we could call this Day 4...since I haven't started I see myself as on Day 31...ugh...I know what days to take the femara and I know what days to start testing for ovulation...I guess that's all that counts.

Gonna go back to no advil, backing down on caffeine, watching my relaxation techniques...all the things I've done in the past but I'm gonna try not to stress...I'm only paying for co-pays (which I don't even know if he'll have me come in for measuring or not...) and the Femara...so that's as low as I can get my money out to get and I'm really OK with that.

On a non-me related issue...I know I'm amazed too...lol...all my good thoughts are going out to a friend who needs em right now. Still keeping my fingers crossed for her...she may have a rough road ahead of her but I'll be here for her either way it goes. Least I will do my best to do so. (See it still had something to do with me...hehe)

Guess that's it for today...

CD18 - WTF? I think I'm getting cheated

So...I'm on the pill this month...trying to reabsorb my cyst...regain some semblance of a life again as well...so starting a couple of days ago...I start spotting...only 11 pills into this pack. And yes it's very minor but seriously? I get to the point where I'm just getting home last night and I'm full on cramping...but nothing big or major on the bleeding front...It's stressing me out...so I call the Dr this morning...ask if it's normal. She makes sure I haven't skipped a pill...makes sure I'm taking at the same time everyday...yes and yes...OK...hold on for a bit...she comes back and says yep...all normal...I'm like seriously? I was promised at least another week and a half of a "break" for this month. Now things are getting a little heavier and I don't know WTF to think. I know there is nothing I can do about it. It is what it is...I'm just tired of my body not working the way it's expected to.

And as far as the cyst goes...I don't know...I still am getting my little pangs of pain over there...and now today they are pretty strong from Lucy too...I'm very close to throwing my hands up in the air...waving them like I just don't care and say yank it all out...I'm sick and tired of it all. Slap me into some hormone therapy and get me on some good anti-depressants and I'll live out the rest of my life in oblivion...can we make this work?

I've gotten no closer to finding the gray area between being under strict Dr care and meds and procedures to make this work & just giving up completely. Mike says we can get my PCOS under control. I just not seeing it. I'm tired...maybe that's clouding my judgment. I don't know...right now I just feel cheated of my month of no cares and no worries...ugh...FML

CD5 - Answers at least...

Well been meaning to get to this for the past couple of days but kind of glad I was lazy and waited cos at least now I have more answers. So Month #1 off...had a great month. No expectations, good test to show everything was clear and unblocked...was able to relax and enjoy life. Was able to breathe...it was really good. Then boom I start...now for once I actually had no hormone medication and I had a 28 day textbook length cycle...no expectations...so why was I too down to come to work on Tuesday? Stupid hormones. I think it's just that and that alone. Can't control it...but guess I'm going to have to figure a way to work it out...can't keep taking a day off just cos I'm bleeding. I'm 32...I've been bleeding for MANY years now...it's not a "take a day off from work" excuse. Ugh...

So we went back to the doctor yesterday afternoon. While we were waiting Mikey and I decided that truly, we were barely able to catch our breath in one month after 17 or so months straight of crazy...So we wanted another month off. Explain that to Dr and he's cool with that and decides not to even bother with a scan since we wouldn't be doing anything this month regardless. I mentioned what I noticed this month and that I felt a lot of pain round the time that I ovulate and thought maybe I had...that made him want to check. So he does a scan and sure enough...my left ovary worked to produce a follicle without the help of meds...problem is...that without the meds, it didn't finish the job and it never released. So I have a 25mm "cyst" in that ovary. Couldn't do anything fertility wise this month anyway with it in the way. So I'm going for a month of the pill to make it get reabsorbed...fun times...go back to him on the 21st of September to make sure it's gone and go from there.

So long story short...my body wants to work without meds, but I don't think it can complete a freaking job without the meds...So that's kind of disheartening in itself. Mike is tired of the doctor process...so am I. Neither of us want to have to do this till we die...that's just what it feels like. I'm going with this month break, then see what we can do...maybe do the big guns next cycle and if that don't work...then I don't know...just give up?

I really wish I could be a bystander in all this...not know what I know. They always say knowledge is power...but in this case, knowledge is my prison. I know TOO MUCH bout what every tweak means and what every part of my body seems to do. Hell, I just learned that all these random pains I've had over the years when I've moved funny and felt like I had a twisted gut for a brief intense pain...that was just the cysts in my ovaries from the follicles that never got the message to release. Haven't had that in a long while...cos I've been on the hormone medication for so long so I've had follicles releasing and not hanging around to reabsorb on their own. Stupid Poly Cystic Ovary Syndrome...really wish I never met you. I really try not to regret anything in life...everything is something to learn from, to grow from...but F-U PCOS...I wish I never had met you...you SUCK!

OK...I'll try to get outta my pity party and enjoy the next couple of weeks...with the help of the pill, I have NO expectations so maybe when I start again I won't end up home "sick" cos I can't face the world cos my body failed yet again...I think that's it for today...

CD11 - trying to get over being sick

So I'm not even supposed to care what day of this "cycle" I'm on...I'm not supposed to care...but I can't help it...I simply know. I had my HSG yesterday...wasn't nearly as bad as I had feared. It was uncomfy when they were inserting the tube and such but that's completely normal. Supposedly he inflated a balloon as a stopper in my uterus...didn't feel it. I guess I was smart to take the Darvocet about an hour before I went in. I rock. Procedure took no time at all really and was like I said...other than the initial bit, painless. I really could have come back in to work...but seeing as I was dealing with the Throat issue/Viral infection...I just went home to rest anyways...and you never know when the cramping was gonna hit like after the saline procedure...it never hit by the way.

So results of the procedure...everything is great and clear. Fallopian tubes are twisty and turny like they are supposed to be but they are free and clear there is nothing in the uterus that is showing up as an abnormality. Great! Things look awesome...now why the Hell is crap not working...lol...as I said yesterday to a few friends in a text update...Audrey's Mystery Science Theater continues...

My Dr will be so pleased that everything looks perfect again. He loves when everything looks perfect...I do too...just not so much when stuff still doesn't work. But who knows...

That's the update on that in case anybody was out there wondering. Still battling this stupid viral infection that's making me feel like I have Strep throat...again...if I just had tested positive for that, I could have had a damn shot and I'd be feeling much better by now. Instead I get to wait it out...5-10 days if I'm lucky...ugh...broke down and made Mikey make me some mashed taters cos they slide down so easily. Hard to work on the healthy diet when I can't get the healthy stuff down without major pain. But I had two days resting at home and now back at work and dealing OK. Between the scientific minds of myself, Mike and Azure...I'm sick cos my body was in some sort of shock not being fed the fake hormones it's been used to. I'm willing to buy this, but damn it's no fun. I had a good healthy streak working. Nothing but infertility and migraines...I didn't miss actual sickness...not at all...it was nice being so healthy, even if I spend a large portion of time in the Dr's office regardless...ugh

I guess that's enough for today...gonna get home in a bit and relax some more...trying not to overdo it on the actual talking part and working on warm drinks...they go down easier...oh and more mashed potatoes please! Man I missed that! mmm..mmm...mmmmmmmm

oh and on another note...I'm ignoring any little noises I'm getting from Lucy and Ethel right now...which means I'm getting some talking but doing my best to put my fingers in my ears and sing loudly "LALALALALALALAlALALALALALALALALALALA"

CD4 - It's official...I'm off for the next month...

OK...so this morning was not any fun. Got to the Dr office just in time for my 9:30 appt...whew...great...now...just let me sit here for the next HOUR and finally get called back...ugh...so I thought I'd be back to work by now...but no...just starting. So he realizes I'm not a happy camper and need to talk some things out but we do the scan first. Everything looks fine. If I hear him say something looks perfect one more time...I swear...it's not perfect...if it was...there would other things we are looking at and measuring and we wouldn't be sad and depressed and looking at taking a break. Sorry...Anger still here...I'm afraid I took it out a bit on the nurse when she was doing her usual duties...I'm sorry from afar.

So we talk...and he can tell...I need a break. I hate to take the time off...but it's just something we have to do. Somehow I'm supposed to put all this outta my mind for the month. Yeah...that'll happen. He said take a vacation, take some time off and go somewhere...I'm sorry...what part of financially exhausted do you not get? I'm asking how much stuff will cost next month is so I can save up...sure...let me just go book a cruise with all my free cash. ugh...sorry...I know he means well...and I'm just taking it the wrong way. Cos I do that. Ugh.

Next Wednesday I go in to have another exploratory procedure to see again if there is anything causing things not to work. It's called Hysterosalpingogram (HSG). Basically it's like my last one but it's done in the radiology department at the hospital cos they are forcing a radioactive dye thru everything and they have to take x-rays to see that everything is moving right...I don't know. I have a call in to see how much I'm gonna need to have with me Wednesday morning. Wondering if Mike's gonna have to miss out on this fun or if he'll get to be a part of it. hmmm...

Got the name of the shots I'll have to be doing next month...and a couple of numbers of pharmacies to call to see how much more that's gonna be. That should enable more follicles and therefor supposedly a higher chance of conception...so they say...

I guess that's it for now. Just need to let loose this month and relax...so...looking for cheap and easy ways to do so...have to work hard at not letting this crap run my life...least for the next 30 days or so...sigh...

CD2 - Ugh? Tired

So yeah...didn't work again. What's new? I'm tired...tired of it all. Will be back at the doctor this Thursday and I'll be seeing what I can do now. I know he's talked bout big guns...and I want to try to the big guns...cos I really want it to work...but how much will it cost? and what are my odds on it?

Mom thinks I need to take a break. Mike thinks I should take a break. I half think I should take a break.

IUIs were a bust. 6 for 6 and they were a loss...$1800 on IUIs alone. $610 on fertility medications alone and more for deductibles, other medications and other stuff insurance won't cover...$3200 in the last 6 months...no results.

6 months straight of getting my hopes up, having fake hormones pumped in me, stress piled on me, night sweats for a week for 6 months straight, huge let downs for 6 months straight...I'm tired.

So...I'm at a point where I'm torn...do I go for the big guns this month? Cos it could work? It could be the magic bullet! Or do I take a break and recharge and most likely prolong the process when I'm already 32 and not getting any younger...the older I get the more likely there could be for birth defects and such...but you hear so many people say...we couldn't get pregnant till we gave up...well my body doesn't seem to work properly without meds so I can't give up completely or take a break completely...I don't feel that will work really...is there some other procedure to explore why I'm not able?

See why I require distractions? I'll drive myself into the loony-bin with all these what-ifs and what-nots...I need a vacation from life. I need a way to step back and not have to make a decision...but that's impossible...my brain won't shut off and any break or vacation I see only postpones something that I've postponed too long to begin with...Trying hard not to throw in the towel but some days it's so tempting...just get some good antidepressant medications, some hypnotherapy to convince myself not to break down whenever I see a child or pregnant woman or ad about unplanned pregnancy and such...just give it all up...get everything yanked out to I no longer have any hope that it could happen...hope only fosters pain and disappointment right now...a friend told me it was OK to have some of these frustrated thoughts and ideas...but it's not. Nothing about this whole flipping process is OK. NOTHING. I'm mostly exhausted from trying to make it OK to me. This is the hand I'm dealt. I have to play with the cards I've been given. GIVE ME A NEW FREAKING DECK!

OK...I'm off to distract myself with work or a book or a TV show I don't really care bout but I can focus on for a bit so my anger simmers down...I know I got whiny and I got mad...I have to calm down...

CD28 - Calm and Decent

So there isn't much to report...just doing my best not to be anxious. Due to the meds helping my insulin regulate and therefor regulate my ovaries...I don't know how long this cycle is supposed to be this month. I'm guessing I have another day or two or who knows...I'm not a patient person. Been lost in my books lately and even got a few things listed up on ebay, seeing as we got a bit stretched this month.

The plan is to keep relaxed...hang out with some friends...talk books or watch some episodes...Work on clearing out Mike's "Man Cave" at home so he has a place to escape me...I mean so he can get some of his work done at home and not be distracted by me and the TV. There is a LOT of stuff in that room we need to chunk. I may go through some of my closets this weekend and see what I can do or convert some old t-shirts I can't wear into little cute throw pillows...Oh...in case you missed the pics on facebook...here is the finished button/blue jean project!

CD26 - Not a happy anniversary

Sometimes I think I dwell on some things too much...but a girl has to grieve and I truly think that if it wasn't for Michael Jackson and my best friend's son's birthday, these days would fade into sometime in June of last year, and sometime in July of that summer...but unfortunately...I have specific days to look back on and be extra sad. So on that note...a year ago today it was confirm via ultrasound that I had miscarried. That brought Hell down on my life for the remainder of the summer basically. I *knew* that I had a few days prior but to have it confirmed and all hope lost, was something I can't even fathom being able to explain fully.

This morning probably wasn't the greatest to get yet another negative result on a pregnancy test...that was bad on my part. But I've just been having hope lately and inklings that something may be working...guess it's either just the progesterone or it's too early...but with my cycle shorter who knows...

Just a bummer of a day today all around. Not sure exactly why I didn't just call in and say I couldn't find any big girl panties and stay home and in bed. I think it would have been justified. I just don't have a ton of time just sitting there to take off. Also, I can't just go out and do retail therapy right now to cheer myself up or distract myself...too damn broke. Why am I broke? cos I'm spending too much on what so many people take for granted...that and debt...but still...it's just not fair. How many women and teenage girls curse when they are late and hate the fact that they are pregnant...and here I am shelling out the bucks to try my damnest to get that way. Ugh...for another day I suppose...I can't risk getting that upset right now...and trust me, that irritates the crap outta me...

What I have on my side right now...a loving husband who puts up with me through all of this, good family & friends to help support me, and my weight is still going down. Forgot to mention I beat the hurdle of getting under 270 and I've been below for almost 2 weeks now...holding steady around 265...hoping that being broke and eating a little bit worse won't hurt that. Doing our best still to make the good choices.

I'm gonna go get lost in my book now...until work interrupts me...but I have to get away for a bit...lose myself in the world of Sookie...

CD-22 Quiet week

It's been a pretty quiet week. I haven't blogged cos I'm mostly trying to push stuff outta my head this month. It *seems* to be working. Least the pushing things outta my mind part. Not sure bout the rest...

Been keeping my mind occupied with reading...on Book #8 of 10 in the Sookie Stackhouse series...still loving it...although I hear #9 might be a trying book to get through...

Got my button project almost completed...gonna be finishing the binding hopefully this weekend up in BFE NE TX. Then I can start on my crazy quilt plan...we'll see how that goes...going with no pattern is kind of a weird thought for me but once I start...no stopping me I guess...hmmm

Nothing new to report really on the regular front. I'm just keeping my mind busy so it won't interfere. Tallied up some numbers on out of pocket how much we've paid this year alone...that wasn't the smartest thing for me to do...but oh well...now I have that stuck in my mind...but I'm trying to push it out. Doing the insert-able progesterone and annoyed by it but keeping it up for now. Doing really good on the Metformin and all that jazz...OK...that's my update for the end of this week...going back to reading before I have to go hang at the resource table for a grueling hour and a half...ugh...then it's back to reading til 4 and then packing the car and the mutts up and driving way too much for the weekend. Stay safe and cool!

CD18 - Restful weekend for the most part

So on Friday we went in and saw the doc. the follicles had grown...23.5mm and 24.5 and my lining was 10.8. He saw some free fluid telling him that I was starting the ovulation process. So we went ahead and did the IUI and he called in a trigger shot for me...IUI was a little bit more uncomfortable this time but nothing horrible. I had a bit of confusion due to the language and wording he was using concerning some medication and I got a bit flustered. The confusion revolved around the great fun progesterone that I have to insert nightly...I just wish he'd give me a new script cos I hate using the bottle I had to get from my old doc when I was miscarrying last summer. It just brings up the memory all too clear when I even touch the bottle...maybe I'll just transfer them to a new container tonight...yeah...that's what I'll do. That was the main issue with my fluster-ment on Friday. I decided during my waiting period after the procedure that I just didn't need to go in to work that day. I just wanted to go home and relax. So that was the plan...go grab a bit to eat, grab my shot, give it to myself, and go home...ugh...not how it happened.

We went and grabbed lunch just fine. Go to the pharmacy all the way in Bryan, there is confusion and craziness there...I'm in the drive thru and there gets to be a LONG line behind me and I hate that so I just pull around and go in. He called in something new. Something I couldn't give to myself. Great. It cost $40 more too...awesome. Is it better? who knows. So the pharmacists were going to give me a syringe so I could do it myself, but it was finally determined that I just needed to take it all back to the Dr's office and have them give it to me. I call them to let them know I'm heading there...they say cool...so we trek back down to the South side of College Station and get the shot...shots that is...cos it was so large, it couldn't be given at once...like my little last one I could just give myself in the tummy...nooo...I got a shot in both hips...only one bled, they both burned like Hell and then I was back on my way to just go home. Wasn't home until 2:30 or so...ugh...glad I took the day off instead of emailing my boss...OK...one more thing I gotta do and then I'll be there...oh wait...one more thing I gotta take care of...be in in a bit...ugh...went home and just laid down and read for a bit. Had a friend come over that evening and we grilled and hung out for a bit...just relaxing. Felt a few twinges I thought were from the shot but who knows...

Saturday, I sat around and read and worked on sewing more buttons on my quilt...who's idea were all these buttons again?...few twinges and pangs but nothing like with my other trigger shot so not really sure what's going on there. Nothing exciting happened...

Sunday...again...lazy day...mostly sewing buttons on that quilt. I'm bout 80% done with that portion. Hope to finish off the buttons this week so I can take it with me to the in-laws to finish out the binding on it this weekend. Again, few twinges but nothing remarkable. I'm left wondering if this more expensive shot was working or not...

So this morning we run back into the doc cos he wanted to do a quick scan to see if I ovulated. Thankfully he did this at no charge. Music to my ears. From what he could tell, one follicle was still there but was shrinking, one follicle had released and was collapsing, there was an excess of free fluid showing that one had at least ruptured. I should have asked him if he thought this was recent as in last 24 hours or what. The trigger shots I thought were supposed to work within 24-48 hrs. The egg is viable for 24 hours after the rupture...sperm are viable anywhere from 2-5 days depending on who you ask...numbers game...I'm trying to win here...

So that's where we stand currently. I don't know anymore than that. I wish I didn't know that much. They say knowledge is power but it only leaves me asking more questions in my head and I gotta stop that. I think I'll have a glass of wine tonight to get my brain to wind down a bit. Trying to be cautiously optimistic...not sure how that operates though...truly don't...

Come on big money! Big money! Momma need a baby to tote around!

CD14 - got reason for twinges

OK...So we were at the Dr this morning. I forgot my blanket and footies...not cool...it's cold in there in the mornings and the paper drapes don't do crap. ugh. It was determined it wasn't that big of a deal so I didn't stop and get another one on the way there. So things are good and progressing well. He couldn't really locate the Ethel...she's super shy this month and since it's her month off...it wasn't worth the pain it was causing me to find it. Lucy has been plenty busy. She's got 3 follicles although one is small and doesn't truly count. The others are right around 20mm each. One was 19.5 and the other was 20.4 or something like that. He said it's looking like they are getting ready to ovulate soon...there was some free fluid that was indicating that. So far I'm not supposed to do a trigger shot. He doesn't want to mess with what my body is doing currently. I wish he'd keep a steady rule on all this. Some months he's like the shot is the only way to be sure...now it's all...don't want to mess with what's going on here...ugh...We'll see what tomorrow brings.

My ovulation tests this morning were definitely stronger and that's a good sign. Things are progressing faster in the cycle...thanks to supposedly the Metformin uppage. I'm sure it's helping...just wasn't sure it would take effect so quick...who knows. We go in tomorrow morning for the IUI...#6 of 6...no pressure...we may have another option for next month...if my Insulin levels are low enough...otherwise...it's on to IVF...5-10K a shot...not in our budget...at all...so...no pressure...none at all...I don't know where I get the stress from...ugh...OK...time to focus on something else...distractions...where oh where are you? hehehe

CD13 - getting some twinges

So I have my Dr Appt tomorrow morning. So far nothing too conclusive on the ovulation test strips. Barely barely faint line showing up. I'm getting messages from both Lucy and Ethel the last few days...I can't really say who's speaking the loudest, but they are talking. Hell, I guess they could just be yelling at each other. Who knows.

I'll of course give another update tomorrow with whatever the Dr has to say. I know y'all just can't wait to learn what my ovaries are producing this month...LMAO. I know I'm funny. If you read this, it's because you either care or are just nosey. Either way...It doesn't matter to me. I would like to think it's because ya care and are hoping the best for me. It doesn't matter particularly to me because this is one of my tools for getting through this grueling process. It helps me to track and be able to look back and say...was I doing this last month? or is this something new?

I got to see a family that I consider good friends last night. I haven't seen them since basically our wedding in 2002. I babysat for them since their oldest was around 8 or 9 months...watched him grow up and also wated his little brother and sister too. They left the Bryan area when the youngest was still about 2 I guess. They were all in my wedding and they were all adorable. Now the oldest is 15 and the youngest is 10...I am feeling old. 15 year old is now 6 foot and that was insane to me. I knew it would happen cos his dad is tall and lanky too, but still...8 years ago he was a shorter but still lanky 7 year old. It was good to see them. I was a little nervous but it was a great time. Mom wanted me to get pictures but I just wasn't up for that. I'm sure I can get Debbie to send me some pics when they get back home to Ohio.

Other than that...I'm now on Book #6 in the TruBlood books...thanks Katie for feeding my addiction. Sorry Azure, you were too slow to restock me. LOL I'm totally engrossed in the series and even have Mike interested in reading them and getting the series to watch. It's great to retreat into a world so clear to me but so different from my real life and troubles.

OK...back to shredding if my shredder has cooled back down yet...it keeps overheating cos I'm working it too hard. Keep having flashes like I would have been good to work for Enron back in the day...OK...back to it...I see the end of my shred box soon in my future!

CD11 - Trying to dig outta a funk

I've just been in a funk. I'm blaming the Femara...think I have just cause...I've been tired, I've been cranky, I'm been short, I've been hot and then I've been cold and I've had headaches...this weekend was bad on the hot flashes...really weren't flashes...it was just hot. We had a couple of friends over Saturday and I had the house set at 75...Me and Azure were playing some video games...absolutely not strenuous...sitting pushing buttons...lol...she's freezing and has a blanket...I'm all sticky and sweaty...that continued for me thru-out the entire night. I have to note that that morning and previous evening, I had to turn the air up and wear socks and have a blanket on me too cos I was too cold.

Yesterday I ended up having to take an Imitrex induced nap to get rid of a headache/migraine that wasn't budging even with Darvocet...so I slept from like 3-7. Woke up feeling much better. Wasn't able to fall asleep till 1:30 or so and even then it was fit-full and crappy cos I was either burning up or freezing. I really hope this means something is working better this month.

I'm back up to 2000mg of Metformin and I'm sort of OK with that. No major issues currently...that can always change I've learned. Have a Dr Appt to check on follicles on Thursday morning. A little early but he says with the higher dose of metformin my cycle may be more on track with average and well he's not working this Friday...joy...I'll start ovulation testing in the morning I guess.

I really appreciate Mike putting up with me mostly this weekend but some of last week too. I've been a grumpy grumpy tired monster. Sadly...there is nothing I can do to get out of it...even when I try sincerely, it comes across mean and insensitive. So I quit trying...but today so far not hot or cold really today...I'm thinking that the Femara may be getting out of my system and my moods can improve on their own.

Going back to no coffee starting tomorrow (I simply couldn't function without it this morning after NO sleep practically). Hopefully stress is gone from work for a while. I think I am finally done with this one huge moron...only time will tell. Guess I have till Thursday or Friday to see if they appeal the decision. Until then, my biggest plan is shredding my huge stack of stuff that I just need to shred...will start this afternoon. I have to get some reading in...lol...On Book five of the Sookie series and I get so enthralled in them...it's a great diversion for me. Got more buttons on my quilt yesterday...now have a 4 way axis for stabilization and now I just have to fill in the 4 quadrants. I picked up some red paisley binding strips which I'm excited about. I know...I'm an odd one. It's gonna be a very country/folky quilt that you will never be able to sit on...only cover up with...and I will beat the dog that chews up buttons if he touches it. :)

Guess that's enough of an update...will see how the week goes...Wish me luck!

CD5 - Back at the craps table

I'm tired. I'm exhausted of the process...but I'm back at the Craps table to take another shot this month. This summer has been OK so far but I'm getting to the very difficult portion. Last year, this time...I was pregnant. Hard to imagine. Very hard...least emotionally. I stayed home this past Friday...anniversary of me finding out that wonderful news...sadly, also the anniversary of Michael Jackson passing...I was a hermit. My only contact with the outside world was my iPhone...texting and FaceBook...buried my nose in my book and just took a break from it all. I got the very blatant reminder on that day that unlike last year, I wasn't pregnant. I know...I need to move on...but I can't seem to get past it. Even on Monday morning when the Radio DJs were discussing the BET awards and the tribute to MJ...I tried to tough it out but had to change the channel cos I was crying...put me in a bad mood the entire day pretty much...which is why I didn't blog...I was too down and typing bout this would have sent me bawling...I'm better today...

Was at the Dr yesterday...I managed not to cry this month...but my mood is getting lower and lower when I'm in there. I've upped my metformin to 1750mg now...bout to up it to 2000mg. Hopefully that should be it. Dr says it's the magical amount...will magically get my insulin levels down and egg production will be better and maybe just maybe, magically I'll get pregnant. IF this one doesn't take...then we move on to the big guns...I'm impatient...I want big guns now. I'm very tired...

I'm still trying for distractions. I have my nose in a book almost all the time right now...lost in the world of Sookie Stackhouse and her Vamps, and Weres and Special People...that and I'm sewing buttons on my blue jean quilt. It's a crazy idea and I wonder why I thought of it all the time...gonna be forever. But forever is probably what I need. (sigh) Catching up on some hulu today at work and going to try hard not to forget my book at work today so I have something to do tonight when I try to go to bed. Trying to live stress free and learning to reduce it so I can get there. Weight is coming back down again, not that's it's gone up but I'm right at that 270 mark again that frustrates me so.

Anyone wanna come BBQ this weekend and distract me? Mike wants to grill...and I wanna get in the pool and relax. The more the merrier...

CD30/1 - FML

Yeah so...I knew it was coming...tried not to think bout it...and it's coming...not a full on flow yet but enough to tell me the truth. Least I didn't waste any tests this cycle. I'm not calling it CD1 until I see more but damnit all to Hell. I'm tired of it. This was #5 of 6 that I supposedly can do. I'm going to start upping my metformin again tomorrow cos I know that's what the Dr will want to do...cos I'm sure my insulin isn't low enough yet.

The full brunt will hit me when I get home...right now I'm holding it together till 5. I'm just so tired...it's been a year now with no success...well least a year since I last found out I was. I did everything I could this cycle to make sure I wasn't hindering anything and not drive myself batshit crazy.

I had a long conversation with Terri last night bout the process and the Hell that it is and how it's not fair that we have to go through this. It doesn't change the fact that evidently that's what we have to do. I'm just numb right now. Not sure why I chose to write and blog but I did...trying to figure out what I can do differently this next cycle. What I need to avoid and what I need to do. Right now I'm just numb...later I will cry and the anger will roll in...I already feel it creeping in...awesome...55 more minutes at work...hopefully no one will call. I'm gonna try to dive back in my book...see if that can help...

CD28 - hormone overload

So last night and today have been a bit rough on me. Some days the hormone overload is just too much to bear. That whole 7-8 days following ovulation hormone surge is a BITCH...I can't control crap at that point.

Trying to not think about testing this week. Just put it outta my mind...forget I have any strips...just hold off on it. I've been having some interesting twinges but Hell, I seem to say that every month. I'm trying to be relaxed. I'm trying not to be totally negative but sometimes I just feel defeated. OK, a lot of last night and this morning I didn't see the point in trying...(sigh)...

So I'm trying to keep busy. Started reading the True Blood books...friend got me started on watching the series Saturday night and so far I'm loving it. The book doesn't read as fast as she said it would but least it's a distraction. Work has been pretty dull...trying to get one idiot's case cleared up but that looks like it's being put off till next week. I'm so sick of that whole case...

Maybe I should plan ahead and up my St John's Wort round this time...maybe that can help my mood and control issues...who knows...I just wanna curl up...sleep...rest...and not think bout any of this. Last night with the craziness I was in, I just fell asleep crying...this is just so damn hard...ugh...Why again did I have to find out I was pregnant last year on the day Michael Jackson died? cos I can't even avoid it if I tried...1st anniversary and all on Friday. It may be a really rough day. If I end up starting on Friday...no one should expect to see me that day. I doubt I'll come outta my cave that day at all...(sigh)...OK...now to go read some more.

CD24 - One week to go...

One week has come and gone...I think I've distracted myself enough so far...one week to go till good or horrible news...I'm gonna do my best to keep myself occupied this weekend. Wanted to go see Nikky and her new little one...but it doesn't work well for her and I respect that. Maybe next weekend...depending if it's Horrible or Good news...I doubt I should be trusted in Houston traffic if it's horrible news...

This week has been interesting, but dull all the same. Really not much to report. We have started the war on scorpions and I think we may have thrown em off so far. Mike sprayed down the perimeter of the house and the pool and the carport...we didn't see one last night...killed one inside the night before and that was in my toilet paper drawer...on the roll I picked up...and he didn't sting me. Counted myself lucky there.

The NBA Finals were a bit of a disappointment to me...not that I'm a Celtics fan...I'm just anybody but Kobe fan. I hear there is a lot of that going around.

Spirit Pig has been tagging along with me lately. Nothing new there...waiting for his big fluffy sister to show up so I can squeeze on her...waiting patiently for my birthday present...patiently...lol...yeah that's me...I want my piggy!

Kind of boring lately...it's why I haven't written. If I can keep the stress to a dull roar I count it a win for now. All I can do...right?

CD21 - Not much to report

Really not much to report I guess...Least I don't feel like it. Lucy and Ethel were really upset on Saturday night. I think they were excited to have Nikky's baby to talk to cos Nikky was telling me that she was being a lot more active that night. Like to think I might have had something to do with getting that precious little one here yesterday...pheromones and ovaries talking to Ms. Noella Crystell and such. I'm sure I had nothing to do with it but damn I hurt after hanging out over there. It got so bad, that I had to shut them up with Darvocet. As always, Lucy was the most vocal...think she was maddest cos she wasn't even supposed to work this cycle. Like trying to squeeze cash from a turnip...can't be done.

The girls have calmed down for the most part. Still getting a random twinge here and there...not sure why or what it is. So I just have to keep on keeping on with my waiting...and more waiting...Still working on distractions so if you got an idea, throw it out there. Wanna get back down to Houston this weekend to visit my new "niece" but fundage seems to be missing. Working on fixing that. If not this weekend, I know I'll get down there soon. Wanna give them time to get home and get settled first.

Got a blue jean quilt to work on and I got cross stitch. Basketball is over this week...either tonight (hoping) or Thursday night...After that I'm gonna have to distract myself in the pool or become productive in the sewing room. Have to work on the war against the scorpions as well. My finger is burning and itching so much it's a pain to type with but I'm doing my best to push through. Just have more typos to fix. hehe I still am glad to have him sting my finger than get stung on my face or worst case scenario have him get stuck in my hair and sting my scalp...grumble grumble...that would have PISSED me off. This is just an annoyance.

Spirit Pig made the trip to Houston this past weekend. I got my niece Brooke to give him a good luck kiss so maybe that'll help. I know...grasping at straws. Would have had Lauren do the same but she's still very untrusting of strangers and sadly, that is what I am to her. Man, if looks could kill, I'd be dead from the time I offered to hold her so her daddy could take pics of Brooke's presents or the time I offered to help her with her drink...she has some spunk at 21 months...lol

OK...guess that's it...couldn't blog yesterday cos I would have had to talk bout Ms. Noella and I was not authorized yet to do so. Her making her entrance hit me at an off time. I'm kind of overwhelmed...my trigger shot is leaving my system and putting me in my usual tired/depressed mood...and then I get the text that she's here. I can't lie...it caused me to ache and to have a little cry. But all of that was for JoJo...I've very happy that Noella is here and I'm very happy and excited for Nikky and her hubby. She is a gorgeous precious baby girl who weighed in at 6lbs, 8oz. Just the normal ache of sorrow and envy that I tend to get. Was expecting it, but just didn't realize how strong it would be.

OK...back to distractions...anyone got any? hehe

CD17 - IUI#5

Well we did #5 this morning. Was a bit confused on a few things...but it's done. And now the wait begins. My Ov test this morning was not a strong positive or anything so I was confused if I needed to pick up a shot before we went to the doc and evidently they were too...cos I had to go afterward and get one still. Ugh...communication is a wonderful thing when it works properly.

So Ethel was talking a bit more last night and it looks like the follicle was already starting to collapse which is a "good" think I guess...it was starting the ovulation process...the follicle was down to 23 mm. Not sure if that's really a good thing or not. I don't know. I'm not the medical professional. IUI went bout normal and fine. Went and got my shot and gave it to myself and then went to lunch. The shot always takes a couple of hours to kick in...Ethel is now spazzing a bit...she's being forced to give up the follicle faster than she normally would. My ovaries are lazy...well it's not that they don't have a work ethic or anything...they just...they do what they are told and evidently cos of my insulin resistance, the brain never gets told to make enough estrogen to make them work on a clock. The human body is so freaking complicated.

We had a really awesome evening with my parents. They came into town last night and braved it out at the lake for the night so that they could take us out to dinner. Next time they come in the slide in camper, they can just stay in our driveway. Much better facilities. But we made it out to OutBack and had some yummy yummy food. The waiter was a bit weird and forgot to ask us if we wanted dessert...cos of course I did...so we went out and tried a newish yogurt place in town...Spoons...it was AWESOME! All different kinds of non-fat yogurt and some sorbets and fresh fruit...like a buffet style...grab a bowl, get your yogurt, get your toppings, weigh it at the end and pay. Who would have thunk it was a good idea? YUMMY! They had a double stuffed oreo yogurt that just...mmmmmmmm...

We get to go into Houston this weekend. Got my oldest niece's birthday to celebrate. Think she's gonna go gaga for the present we got her. Least that's what my brother and my mother tell me. I don't get to spend enough time with them to really know what they are into. This year I didn't get around to be the crazy Aunt Audrey who sews her stuff. Maybe next year. I also get to go and visit with my Nikky. We'll see if she's still home or cranking out her little one. It's not looking favorable on the baby being born front yet so who knows. Guess it would make the visit more enjoyable if I'm not in a hospital and she's not yelling in L&D. lol I'm hoping she'll go gaga for her gift too...maybe I'll even get my birthday present...I did leave hints...and I'm subtle like a boot to the head...but who knows. Then I think I get to take a chair off her hands and that's exciting for me! After that, we may go visit some friends in Montgomery...who knows if they even recall that plan...I need to check in with them.

Guess that's it for now. Just gotta figure out distractions for the remainder of the month...twiddling my thumbs don't count.

CD16 - Well Ethel Lives...

So this morning I still really have nadda on my ovulation test. Still defeated. A very very faint line. Yes this IS what my brain works overtime on...what my life revolves around. So we go to the Doc this morning...do a scan...and low and behold, Ethel has been working. She kind of was talking to me this morning but it was really a low whisper. But OK...got a 26mm follicle over in Ethel and a 11.5mm lining so far. He had me go do a Estrogen blood test to see what level that was on to see the "quality" of the follicle. I don't know what to do with that...cos evidently my estrogen levels are still low. He doesn't want to do a pop out shot today. Our plan right now is that tomorrow morning I test...if it's negative, I call in, they call into the lab and we do another blood test and go from there. If it's positive, I go straight to the Dr with a sample and do another scan to see where we are and then maybe a shot and all that jazz...I don't know.

Tomorrow I need to ask him what the Hell I need to do to boost my estrogen levels...I'm taking meds to force my ovaries to grow follicles and to release them, sometimes he helps with the shot. I'm taking meds to work on my insulin resistance...can I take another med to boost my estrogen to give me better quality follicles? Damnit...I just want a baby...millions of people do this every day without having to know all this crap...why oh why am I so freaking lucky???

Anyways...nothing I can do for now...will see what the morning brings and go from there. Sorry boss...gonna be late again this week. It's been a crazy week to say the least.

Folks are in town...going to pick them up from their camp ground spot as soon as I get done here at work...I'm thinking OutBack...it's been a LONG time since I've been there. I don't know...ugh...off to finish dealing with crap from this hearing from Hell I had this morning. This student has been a pain in my ass...lol...hopefully I never have to see her again.

I'm out...

CD15 - Happy Birthday to me

So today is my birthday. Going to the Dr tomorrow to see if this cycle is even a go. I'm feeling really defeated lately but I'm trying very hard to have a better day today. Granted...it's flooding all around today but least the rain has stopped for now. My good friend, Azure, surprised me this morning at work with a wonderful bouquet of flowers. I was shocked...but after yesterday's blog she didn't want me to be sad on my birthday. So I'm doing my best since she went out of her way in the flooding conditions to brighten my day to keep my day brightened.



So on the other front...I'm not sure what's going on with my girls. Neither Lucy or Ethel has spoken much at all in the last few days...tiny little twinges but nothing really to write home about. Yesterday on my Ovulation test, I had a very faint line...making me think things were gearing up...so I test again this morning...and nadda. I mean...nadda. So I'm very confused. Maybe I already ovulated and we've missed our chance to IUI this cycle. Maybe I'm just not ovulating strong this cycle. I should be ovulating tomorrow/Friday...that's the predicted time if you look over my last 4 months...so nadda...well...I can't do anything bout it so I'll test again in the morning and hope for better results. I'm not enjoying my increased metformin...blerg...seriously...makes me wanna blerg outta either end. Hate these meds. Personally I think they are worse than the hormones. And THAT...is saying a LOT...am I right Mikey? I am right...I know he agrees.

So I think I pulled myself outta my funk. Birthday helped some. Flowers helped some too...wearing my queen's crown helps too...Folks are delayed on coming to visit because the storms and flooding back home wreaked a bit of havoc for them so we're postponing it for Thursday now. Which is fine with me...more time for me to deliberate where I want to go to have the best dessert...hmmm...

CD14 - Month of distractions not helping completely...

So I had this grand plan for the month. I knew it would be hard to pull off...but I needed distractions for the entire month. We got through our annual birthday party and we had a blast. Had some really good peeps show up and we got to catch up and hang and just have fun and let loose.

I think I'm a lost cause because even though I was having fun and letting loose...I was still bringing up this stuff. I was still randomly getting weepy bout it. I made it through and was able to pull out of it each time but still...they shouldn't have even popped up. I just don't know how to get this stuff off my brain. It's too ever present for me just to hide it all.

Yesterday was Mikey's birthday. I did my best to make it his day...do all the things he wanted to do. I tried hard not to bring him down when I was down yesterday afternoon...but it still affected him. He worries bout me...I can't stop him from doing that...just like I couldn't stop my tears last night. I don't even know why I was crying. I shouldn't have had any kind of hormone flux yet. Coming soon but not yet. My Ov test this morning showed a very very faint line...may get to do my IUI Thursday or Friday I guess...I'm expecting another shot too...who knows. Right now neither Ethel or Lucy are really speaking to me. It really should be Ethel's turn...but they don't seem to listen to that kind of reasoning.

Maybe my moods are crappy cos of my metformin change...I don't know. I truly don't have a clue. I'm trying to adjust that slowly so I don't have the intense issues I had last time. I just can't seem to get out of the despair of my defeatism from this past failed cycle. It's to the point where I don't really feel I can turn back now, we've put too much time, stress, money, pain, and suffering into this whole process just to give up. And I still want to hold true to my little saying that "I ain't so afraid of losing something that I ain't gonna try to have it." But damn this is draining and hard. I think of just giving up and moving on...but I seriously don't have a clue how to do that. I don't know if I can...without constant medication that I don't want to be on...I just don't know anymore...

So tomorrow's my birthday and right now I can't even get truly excited for that. My folks are even coming into town to take us out to dinner for our birthdays and their anniversary since I was such a wonderful anniversary present to this 32 years ago...and I'm excited for that. I get to go to Houston this weekend to celebrate my niece's birthday on Saturday and then I get to track down Nikky...whether she's at home or at the hospital with her new bundle of joy...I have to spend some quality time with her if I can...we are way overdue. I'm pretty sure she doesn't think I love her anymore cos I haven't been able to be there for her like I want...cos I'm just not a strong enough person here lately. No matter how I try to explain it to her, I know she feels left out and like I'm abandoning her...and I can totally understand that thought process cos if the roles were reversed I'd be in that mind frame. I just won't wear any eye make up on Saturday...cos I know I'm gonna be a wreck regardless.

I guess that's it for now. Enough of an emotional dump for today...I gotta find a way to climb outta this hole...distractions are welcome...sooner rather than later...

CD9 - Future...

I just got off the phone with the doc...he's always so upbeat and positive sounding. I mentioned he had said that if my insulin was low enough, he'd try the "big gun" shot on me next cycle if it didn't work this cycle. So I got my numbers and yes I'm insulin resistant still but my glucose:insulin ratio is still in the lower side of normal. Glucose in the 80's both times now and Insulin down from 16 to 15.3 this go round. So I'm upping my metformin/glucophage. I really can tolerate 1000mg OK. Anything above that and ugh...intense stomach pain for a few days and then nausea and ravenously hungry...mostly for carbs. We'll see what I can do. I think I'm going to cut up 500mg pills and space em out. 500 is a lot to add at one time. Doc says that adding this 500 should do the trick to get my insulin down to 10. Ugh...if it was as easy as popping a pill I wouldn't bat an eye...but I've been through this sooo many times now with different doctors and PCOS. I'll give it a go again...why not. It's either this or give up...and I'm scared how close I am to that option.

I seriously look sometimes at my life...how I live...what I do...what my life consists of...and I like my life. I like being free of things that can hinder my plans...but then I look at my life long dream...having a child...and I say I don't mind giving the rest up...I will do anything in my power to make this happen. This journey has been a LONG one. And it's not even as long as some people have to deal with. Granted in total I haven't been preventing getting pregnant since we got married almost 8 years ago. We've only been under close Dr care for the last year and a half. But man that year and a half has been Hell. Month after month has gone by. Starting out things looks so good. Medication to "restart" my ovaries for 2 months and then 3 months in with Femara to induce ovulation and Bingo-Bango it worked. Then for whatever reason...it was gone. a couple of months to let my body recover and try to get back in a routine...and then ever since it's been an uphill battle and I can't stop from feeling like every cycle I lose ground. The past couple of months have gotten worse. And it makes me ponder and wonder WHY? Why am I doing this anymore. I'm a fighter and I'm determined but damnit...I'm running out of supplies. Moral is down. I feel like going AWOL but I don't feel I have that as a choice yet. AWOL means abandoning the entire fight to me...and I don't know how to do that.

I was talking with Nikky just the other day bout how much of a horrendous journey this has turned into. She was convinced, as I was, that it happened so quickly the first go round, it would be a cake walk the second time around. Boy were we ever wrong. after just the meds alone weren't really working...I thought for sure that the IUIs would on top of the meds make it a slam dunk. Of course we know where we are...next month will be hard again for me. Hell the rest of this month will be difficult. You try having the one and only failed pregnancy that you have had being told to you on the day Michael Jackson died...not like I can ever forget that date. Not like the media would even let me forget. I can't even hear his name without recalling how happy I was that day for such a completely different reason other than him. So regardless of how this cycle goes...how this IUI goes next week...whether or not I get pregnant this month...it's gonna be a rough one. And if I do manage to get pregnant this cycle...I'm gonna be paranoid as Hell that it'll follow in the last footsteps...ugh

See why I have been in need of distractions? In need of a good party for our birthdays to really be able to let loose and relax and just maybe enjoy life for a night? I need to enjoy myself and maybe not talk bout infertility for a night...I don't know. We'll see how it goes.

OK...in other news...carport is looking great! This rain recently is making me feel better and better bout our decision to use birthday cash for this gravel so my carport no longer floods every time it drizzles or storms. Plus the step up into the house is half what it used to be so YAY for my knees. Just gotta get everything back in and organized and looking at least decent. Mike has done an awesome job and has the blisters and sun burn to prove it. I'll be home tomorrow getting the inside cleaned and maybe even mow if it dries out enough by then...ugh to rain when I wanna have a party...

Oh and Ethel says Hi!...she's been whispering to me lately. She's not full on talking or screaming yet but I hope she can do a decent job this cycle and let Lucy rest...Lucy gets so mad and yells when she has to carry the load so much.

CD7 - Distractions

I love distractions...it's my birthday month. Going to work that for all I can. Getting the carport redone as we speak. Mike is laboring away all week on that project. yes I know I'm not doing it all myself, or really much at all of it. But it's a good home improvement thing we've been wanting to do and I'm supervising...from afar and from near to make sure it gets done in time for this weekend when we have our party. Who's coming? I'm not really even sure anymore. I don't think I care...I just need a night to relax, let loose and have fun.

It's on my mind quite a bit that I got pregnant last June...who's to say it can't happen again. Maybe the distraction of our birthdays lets me relax enough to actually allow it to happen. Maybe it was a fluke...who knows. Only time and patience will tell...cos I have so much of both of those...ugh.

OK....that's it for now.

CD3 - trying to regroup

I'm still tired and frustrated, I'm just trying to distract myself more right now. Cos when I don't distract myself I'm very close to just giving up the ghost. I feel like I'm throwing money onto a sinking ship and each month I just pile more and more on. It's not a problem I can throw money at and it fixes it...I wish it were that easy. Put a big bill in the vending machine and out pops an embryo that I can just pop on in. But instead it's a long drawn out, emotionally draining and exhausting process that seems to not give very positive results...I'm still a bit defeated.

Did a fasting insulin check this morning. Doc may want to up my metformin/Glucophage...I'm not looking forward to that. But I guess I have to give it another go if he says so. Last time when we got higher than where I am...all it seemed to do was make me insanely hungry and nauseous at the same time. With him at the time putting a big emphasis on me losing weight, I wasn't going for the ravenously hungry thing...cos I was only craving carbs. I'm losing weight cos I am cutting out carbs. We'll see what the results say. Cos if I can get my insulin low enough for him, next cycle, if this current one doesn't work, we can try the big guns...full on FSH shot. gonna be more and a larger possibility of multiple births...but right now I'm fine with that. Hell I'd love twins. I know I say that now but I truly think I'd be fine. They'll drive me batty for sure but I'll make due. That's if it even works.

I was joking with Nikky earlier...as well as I know my insides I should start naming them. lol Anyone got ideas for ovaries? Lucy and Ethel? Laurel & Hardy? (I know they aren't women's names but they are a pair...) I don't know. but I know each one very well lately and I just don't feel right calling them Lefty and Righty...so impersonal. The right one is definitely more the talker of the two. I hear from her a LOT more. Left is shy and hard to find. I know she has to work somewhat. When we were pregnant last year it came from the left side they said from the ultrasounds...I don't know

Coming up on the anniversary of actually getting pregnant. Maybe June is good for me. I can be distracted with it being our birthday month enough to be stress free...who knows...

Oh well...gotta figure something out sooner or later I guess. Let me know if anyone has ideas for names for the ladies...Hope everyone has a good and safe memorial day weekend!

CD1 - I no want to play anymore...

I'm fed up. I'm angry. I'm mad. I wanna scream. I already bawled till I couldn't breathe a couple of times this morning. Stayed home till noon. Wanted the whole day off but things are hectic and things have to get done in order to remain a grown up.

I'm just really sick and tired. I can't make a decision on where to go from here yet...cos right now I want to quit. This is such a painful process emotionally and physically and financially. Right now I wasted $300 that wasn't really mine. That's how it feels...I've wasted $1200 so far on IUI's that haven't worked. I'm drowning in debt...not free cash so it's really frustrating. I did all I could this month to relax and take it easy and not to stress. I technically have 2 more IUI's I can do...least according to my doc. Everything presents fine to him. Sperm look great, I had a beautiful lining again and a monster follicle. He's doing all he can. He can do everything but make the sperm go in the egg. All I can do is what I do to survive. I don't know. I'm not getting any younger...

Sorry...I should stop cos this isn't helping my mood currently. It's almost 5...and I can go home and try to relax some more. I'm debating on working on the hand stitching on Nikky's blanket so I can give it to her tomorrow when she comes to the office or putting it off...I'm a horrible friend but I'm not sure I can go and spend time with her this weekend right now. She's due to pop soon with a little girl and I'm very happy for her and excited and all that...but it's just too hard for me to be around. I don't know. I know she'd probably do it for me which makes me feel like such a horrible friend...Decisions are not my strong suit today.

OK...signing off and hopefully will be home and zoned out with something before I know it.

CD30 - Trying to get by...

So I'm on Day 30...nothing to get excited bout cos my cycle is a 31 or 32 dayer...I'm trying not to lose hope...I really am...I'm just not looking forward to Thursday. It's gonna be a Hellish day anyway due to this horrible annoying case I have a hearing for that day. And we all know how my mood is if I start...and that's when I'm expected to start...so...um...yeah...Thursday I may be "sick"...I know I won't be cos it's my case and I have to be here for it. I can't avoid being a grown up.

I had another negative test yesterday...I didn't test this morning. I just couldn't start out my day with another negative. I have a few more strip tests...I may do another in the morning. I have a digital one that's supposed to predict up to 5 days prior to a missed period...and I could take that one...but I can't handle the words coming up Not Pregnant...I just can't. I'm not cramping yet so that's good. I have analyzed my past few months of tracking and noticed some differences...don't know if they really mean anything yet...but I just have to sit and wait...I hate waiting.

I'm doing my best at waiting...keeping myself distracted...work has been very helpful with that and I mean that in a bad way. We are pretty busy right now and most of the cases involve people who are very head strong and stubborn. So we will see what that does for them.

Mikey got me the new Mario Galaxy 2 and we played for a few hours last night and got 5 stars...lol...they upped the difficulty a bit and my neck hurts from having to figure out all the planet's gravities...plus I just get tense...But it's a fun game and so far we're having fun. Tonight I want to get in the pool some and maybe get to work on finishing the Nikky quilt. All I got to do is sew the binding on and then hand stitch it in place...

Mom gave me some good ideas on a new crazy quilt and I may be trying to see what I can do on that soon...her's is looking really awesome. It has me intrigued...so alas another project to distract me.

I really felt the need to blog yesterday but I could barely find time to tend to my facebook pets so I didn't get to it. So I'm here today hoping it helps my mind to do a little bit of a data dump here so maybe it'll be off my mind...yeah right. It was worth a shot. Spirit Pig continues to travel with me. I even introduced him to my Oma this weekend. Had a bit of a break down talking with her on Saturday but what else is new. Love her to pieces but she of all people knows how to make me cry. It's not that she's doing it on purpose...We just have a connection and there are so many reasons that I cry around her. I guess I just feel safe there. I feel for Mike who has to sit through it.

OK...even typing that got me a little blurry eyed...crazy hormones lately. Again...not sure if it's me or the added hormones I'm taking...grumble grumble...exhausting process and all...least I'm sleeping better so that's a plus.

I guess that's it for a brain/emotion dump...and I have a Hearing about to start...fun fun times....ugh

CD 26 - Making it through...Seguin this weekend

6 more days of waiting...joy...least I'll be mostly too busy this weekend running around to think bout it right? I'm hoping...right now I just dread the mornings. I want to test...but I can't. I mean I can...I just can't keep seeing a negative...So I'm gonna try my best to hold off till at least next week...preferably Wednesday or so at least. We'll see how that goes.

So last night I just had to relax...no pool time...I just vegged and caught up on my stories...and neglected to watch my wrestling...boo hiss...I'll catch up on it on Sunday I guess.

I am freezing in this office...not sure why...it's 75 on the thermostat and I have a sweater on and a heater at my feet cos crazy me wore capris today...ugh...only 90ish outside today...I thought I could get away with them and my little cap sleeves...silly me. Grumble grumble...thinking of getting a blanket for my legs for next week...I won't look weird at all. Nahh...

So Spirit Pig gets to go on a road trip...after we get home, pack, bathe the terrors and Flash, load up and then ROAD TRIP! to Seguin. Going to visit the family, eat, and get quilt quilted...guess I said that already. I guess I don't have much new to report other than I'm frustrated and trying to find distractions and diversions. Of course I'm gonna try to hit the Bath & Body Works in Seguin...love that store...much better than our one in the mall and I need more stress relief stuff...I seem to go through it pretty fast...printing out my coupon just in case since I'm broke...who knows. Wondering if I can fit in some good protein from City Market too...hmmm...I can smell it...I can taste it...I'm always torn when I go home on where to eat...Dragon is my favorite so I'm never torn much but when it comes to BBQ...it's truly hard to beat City Market in Luling...We've recently discovered Dirty's Burgers out on 46 before Clear Springs...ooh...Clear Springs...damnit...I just ate...why am I craving all these places...cos I only get to eat them once every couple of months...There is Bill Miller's too...but then I get tricked into the sweet tea and that's just bad for me...lol...

You know...I wonder why I'm fat..there are too many tasty places to eat back home and I love food...I'm learning to respect food and to appreciate eating them without all the harmful processed parts...scale may be up a bit on Monday but I'm gonna try to be good...emphasis on *try*. Eating more of a primitive/raw diet...but I'm having my egg rolls and sweet sauce...you can't take those away from me. :) Nobody's egg rolls and sauce even comes close to comparing to Dragon...

OK...sufficiently ready to get on the road now...but I have to wait till 5 just to leave here...ugh

CD25 - Bad day overall but trying to turn it around...

OK...so I started it out bad...I made a poor decision...I took a test. I'm impatient OK? Very Impatient...so of course it's way too early and it was negative...It doesn't hurt anything but my pride and my sense of hope and all that...Then doing my make-up I dropped my blush container...yeah that was fun to clean up...ugh...

Then I get to work...and it's just an emotionally draining day. Hearing today was for the kid that flat out lied to me...but even her sappy story and crap was making me cry...this is not a good sign...here comes my pessimism...technically...a week after you ovulate, a woman's progesterone peaks in order to be ready to be ready to support a fertilized egg. If there is nothing for it to support, the progesterone drops drastically which in turn causes mood swings and crying...see why my pessimism is able to survive? Granted...increased levels can cause mood swings and crying too I guess...I don't know.

Ugh to it all. I had gone so long in my life...wondering why everyone always complained of PMS...I never had it...least not to this pronounced level...grrr...

On to other distractions...Pool was good again last night...really felt the burn and my arms were just noodles by the time I went to bed. Even played a game of volleyball...that was fun. Get to go to Seguin this weekend to see family and get Nikky's quilt quilted and eat Dragon...in no particular order of significance...OK we all know I'm in love with a Red Winged Flying beast that breathes fire...I do miss it terribly. Started thinking yesterday on what I could get when we go there. Mike said something to the effect of, thought we weren't going to eat there anymore and the thought of divorce flew by my mind's eye...just kidding but seriously...it's a holy place to me.

Speaking of food...was bad and had to go find a cup cake yesterday. We have this great new bakery in town that I've been meaning to go check out. They are the GREENhouse Bakery..have solar panels on the roof to run their equipment and they make everything from scratch. Had a Cookies 'N Cream Cupcake and Mike had a Peanut butter cup cheesecake...both were yummy and threw our non-processed sugar eating bodies for a loop but we've rebounded fine. Hell...on the scale this morning I'm almost under a number I've been fighting with for months...270.2...so close to getting under that dreaded 270...my next dreaded number will be 260...lol I know...I'm huge and fat...but I'm getting better. Beginning of this year I was weighing in closer to the 290 mark. so I'm happy bout this. Slowly but surely. Wow...was worried bout putting the digits out there but I'm surprisingly OK with it.

OK...I gotta go run an errand for work but I'm gonna start concentrating on what I'm ordering on Saturday if I can wait that long...mmm...Dragon...

CD24 - Super Sleepy...

So I got in the pool last night...the water was bout 86-87 degrees and it felt great. If I get back in tonight I'm gonna have to vacuum it...it was annoying me last night that there was stuff on the bottom...and then with working out...of course it all gets stirred up and starts floating into my face...but overall...it was a good time. Both my legs and arms are feeling the water resistance work I was doing so that's always a plus. Really wore me out and I thought I'd get some solid sleep so I didn't take any melatonin and of course slept like crap. Was awake at 4AM and that's not cool. Very lucid and crazy dreams but that's probably related to hormones...it was a week ago today that I had the IUI and always 7-8 days past Ovulation, there is a hormone spike...let's just cross our fingers that the spike doesn't bottom out...that would be bad...

So part of my dream was that I went to my Dr and he informed me that I would have a lot of back pain this time around due to my tilted uterus and just to expect it for the next 9 months and it'll be fine. It was so real and lucid that when I woke up I had to seriously remember that it had all been a dream...I hadn't been to the Dr in a week and of course he had not confirmed anything yet...it's still too early. I still have a week to wait and drive myself crazy during. I'll probably start testing in a few days cos I am just that impatient.

Other parts of my dream included me looking for a place to live because I was tired of sleeping on my friend's couch and they were needing the space...so I got a bead on a place that was on the upper level of a mall across from the quaint little coffee shop...so I go to check it out with a friend and he convinces me to have a cupcake...a $36 cupcake...been craving a good gourmet cupcake for a while now but I'm not spending $36 that's for sure. I don't even recall that I could taste it. Should have checked to see if I was missing any of my pillow...Another part had me looking for a place to store my Bass Clarinet case after I did some performance with the Aggie Band...Just remember walking round this building following people's instructions and ending up in a room that had nothing to do with band...all I can remember of that part...there was some other part but I can't fully recall it...it's getting foggy on me...

I don't put much stock in dreams...I know they are brought on my hormones or chemically induced from medications or drinking...not that I drink often at all...they are just weird...and they don't allow me to have a restful night's sleep. And I could really use a restful night's sleep...Where I can wake up refreshed and no zombie-like. That too much to ask?

OK...I go back to distracting my mind from what it wants to think about now...come on work and hulu...

CD23 - Ugh to the wait

So I'm waiting. I'm not the most patient and calm person but I'm trying. It's hard to shut off the brain when I truly need to. I'm getting random twinges that I'm trying not to read too much into. Been going on since Sunday-ish...could be the progesterone, could be tummy...but it seems like it's not tummy...so who knows. I won't be able to even check for a few more days...and even that would be a week early...so there is no point in doing that right? Right?

So Spirit Pig...I make sure he goes where ever I go. When we went to shoot pool Saturday night...he came along and chilling in my purse. When I'm sewing he's watching me...when I'm watching TV, he's watching me...when I'm asleep...you guessed it...he's snoozin and hogging the bed...oh wait...that's just Flash, my dachshund, SP is watching over me from my bedside. He's a good distraction and a good mascot. I'm going back to my pig obsession. I love Piggies. They are so darn cute! And hopefully helpful too!

I'm hoping to get in the pool this week. Last week I had the procedure and it's best not to swim following that and then we had some issues getting it clean and then just when we thought it was good it rained and then it turned greenish. Got that taken care of and then was really wanting to get in it last night when we got home from work and shopping...and BAM...big ole thunderstorm that lasted till after 10. I'm hoping tonight when I get home that all this bright sun shine has helped to warm it up and make it awesome so I can get in and relax, work out and maybe get in some volleyball...who knows. I miss the water so much. Soooo...crossing my fingers I can get home tonight and get in there and it's not too cold still and there are no thunderstorms popping up...

Dang these little twinges...can they please let me know what they mean? Sorry...was distracted but then it came back. They aren't cramps. I'm just acutely aware of my insides after so much poking and prodding and such. It really just feels like a random little tickle/pinch...I don't even want to fathom what it could be. Well I mean, I do fathom...my brain does subconsciously...I can't stop it damnit...I try...I really do. I just have to distract my mind...These are the days where I wish I had ADD or ADHD...and I could just flit from one thought to the next and never allow my brain to hyper-focus on any one pathway...damnit...why was I not cursed with such a wonderful affliction instead of being cursed with infertility...

I do good most days. I swear. I even held together pretty good when I last spoke to my Oma...she had a little minor surgery and I was calling to check on her...she had the nerve to check on me right back. I swear Oma...I wasn't looking for her to do that. But no, we of course went there and talking about pitter-patters of little feet and how that makes the world go round. Yes yes Oma...it does...Yes...yes...it will happen eventually...she knows it will. She is all powerful and all knowing so maybe she knows something I don't. We are going home this weekend so I'll get to go bug her for a few hours and probably end up crying...I always do. Cos that's the wreck I am lately...but I do my best to hold it in. Not doing a great job of it right now and I'm only blogging cos I have a student sitting in my office and this looks more like work than watching Castle on hulu...

OK. Think that's as far as I can go...Nikky's quilt is ready to take to the quilter this weekend and then I can truly finish it...you know...only to start another project. I'm very happy with this quilt. I love the fabrics, I love the colors, I love the design that I came up with. It's frustrating not going straight from a pattern but it's also a bit liberating. Guess that's all I can report today. I will continue to push off my concerns and thoughts I'm having over to Spirit Pig...maybe he can carry the load. He is made outta stone...maybe soon I'll have a big squish-able Spirit Pig that I can let my frustrations out on by squeezing it.

Toodles!

CD18 - Kind of moody today

I'm sure it's from the stress I'm not feeling and the coming down off the HCG shot...I'm just a bit moody and I wanna curl up and sleep all day...can't cos I'm at work and people would look at me funny on the couch in my office. So I don't. I have given up coffee for this week and next and whatnot...just precautionary cos I read that caffeine can hinder stuff right now. So I'm not able to get my usual pick me up...I'm doing my best to stay away from my diet cokes and my coke zeros...just my zen green tea and water...and I'm tired. I'm not sleeping well. Stupid hormones give me vivid dreams and even if I can't remember all of them, I just don't feel rested...Wow...I'm a whiny one today...

Spirit pig keeps following me around. It's OK...he's not stalking. He's just so cute and tiny I can't leave him home alone when I need him with me to do his job.

I'm trying to submerge myself in shows on hulu and comedy central to get me through the day...but then I have students coming in and phones ringing and people expect me to do my job...seriously? Really? LOL...fine...I guess...I was just grooving to Glee when the latest student came in to review her file. So I sit and blog while she's here. I'll probably be done before she leaves.

This job gets me thinking sometimes. So many parents think their child can do no wrong. They obviously are not to blame. And I wonder if I'll ever be like that or if I'll get the chance. I'd like to say that while I will love my child unconditionally, I will know they are human and can make mistakes, careless judgment calls which have them violating our sacred Honor code...I try to give everyone the benefit of the doubt when they come through this office. Usually I can read the kid and know if they are blatantly lying to me or not...this current kid, through me for a loop. Out right lied to me. Told our Investigators she did it, flat out, no blinking. Now she's coming to me like she didn't ever lie to me. I'm not the judge...I'm not supposed to care...but she point blank lied to me. I mean, she had no reason to. All I do is facilitate the process...Make the process of going through our Honor Council process as smooth as possible. And she lied to my face. Now she's going to blame her multitude of medications she's on for changing her character and causing her to cheat in 3 classes simultaneously. And I know our Honor Council will take that into consideration but it doesn't change the fact that she faked Doctors notes for multiple dates in 3 classes...OK...I'm off focusing on this cos it just irritates me...

So yeah...guess I'm a little testy today. Stupid hormone shot mixed with my already hormonal self with ovulation in general. OK. Breathing and going back to Glee...that will get me through til 3pm at least...then I have to get creative if no work has come in...

Oh...worked on the back of my quilt last night. Got the big center figured out and made...now I just have to build on that...but I have a game tonight...hopefully LeBron won't frustrate me too much. No pictures of the quilt now until it is delivered...which I have to get crackin on cos my Nikky is now on the dreaded bed rest...Gotta leave something as a surprise...

CD17 - IUI this morning and now the dreaded 2WW...ugh

Anyone got one of those time machine thingies...a big Blue police box that goes ? Anybody? No...damnit...I could use one right now. This is the hardest part of this process that goes on every month/cycle we try...Is it working? Will it take? What's going on in there? Hello?

Breathe in...Breathe out...not supposed to stress...stress produces bad chemicals that can only hinder things. Gotta be Easy-Breasy...roll with the punches and avoid the detours and day dreams. Yeah...that's a plan.

Soooooo...I have a dreaded 2 week wait ahead of me. More progesterone support...joy...all the fun of being pregnant without knowing if I am...ugh...I will survive...I always do. I wanted to write more but this week is busy and I got sidetracked by work. Least it made the afternoon fly by.

Got some more material so I can finish Ms Nikky's quilt...plan on heading home on the 22nd so I can get it quilted and then have it finished finished when I get down to Houston in June after our birthdays...Working on finishing my blue jean quilt too...still have to get something for batting...it's gonna be cute with all these little red buttons sewed in instead of actual quilting. Red Ribbon for binding...should be adorable.

Going to Roger Creager on Saturday at Wolf Penn free concert series. Should be a great time. Trying to get a group of peeps together...always more fun in a group...

Oh...and I have a Spirit Pig! We were in this Organic Food store and stumbled upon it and he screamed at me and I couldn't resist. He supposedly brings fertility, abundance and determination...plus...he's CUTE and a red head too...hehehe...Without further adieu...let me introduce...SP...Spirit Pig! He was there for all of today's festivities.

CD16 - Follicle scan done, IUI tomorrow...dreaded shot in

So OK...went in this morning for a follicle scan. Biggest we've seen yet...which explains the pains I've been getting. It's right at 30mm. (Mike said it looked like the size of my entire ovary. LOL) Just one...but one is better than none right? He went ahead and ordered me a HCG/Trigger shot to be sure I pop it out...We go in in the morning to do our 4th IUI. Endo lining is "beautiful" so says my doctor. I wanted to say that's nice...please make sure I don't see it on anything but the screen this month...but I stopped myself. He doesn't get my humor.

So we went and got the shot over the lunch and I gave it to myself in the bathroom. At no point in my life have I ever wanted to become a heroin addict...but this stuff reminds me that I never could. I hate giving myself shots...even with such a thin needle that I don't even feel it. I had a bit of a hot flash right before I injected it and had a vision of the needle breaking off it's so damn thin. I can give blood and I can get blood drawn...no problem...it's me doing it to myself that's hard as Hell for me to do. So...moral of this story...never will I become a heroin addict. :)

Trying not to be too pessimistic. Can't be too optimistic either...dangerous razor fence I straddle each month. Neither side of the fence is good for me. It's a delicate and dangerous balancing act.

So I made ti through the weekend. Mother's Day...not my favorite of holidays. I know I love my Mom and my Oma and all that jazz and appreciate them the entire year round. It's just a commercial holiday made up my the card companies and it's a good way to make people spend money...Don't get me wrong, I feel they need to have a day to be appreciated. Being a mom is hard work I hear...well so is trying to become one. So is going through the hope of becoming one, only to have it dashed with a miscarriage so you feel you will never be a mother. I obviously have some negative feelings bout the day...Technically...I should be a mother by now. I should have a 2-3 month old right bout now...but I don't. I'm still stuck trying. I actually only have a couple more months to try...evidently they will only do Femara for 6 cycles at a time and then I'd have to take a 3-4 month break or go directly to IVF...and I'm afraid to even find out how much that costs...cos I know I can't afford it.

And some have even tried to make me feel better bout Mother's Day for myself...that I'm a mother to all my animals...um...yes...I am Mom to them...but um...sorry. I don't think it compares. I didn't carry them in my womb, I didn't go through labor to deliver them, I didn't breast feed them, I didn't teach them right from wrong...I may have to change diapers on them and all that jazz cos they are morons, but seriously...they are animals. They are not my flesh & blood children. They are my fur & flea covered children. I know people mean well...but I'm a very difficult person to comfort or console or any of that...So I let them say their peace and I move on...as it slowly gnaws at me from the inside.

I did make some progress on my quilt this weekend...but now I'm really out of fabric and have to go in and try to find some more today...here's what I have so far...my most in depth design yet...guess it's for someone special...

CD11 - Outlooks and life

This week has been kind of rough. Started out boring and then all Hell broke loose...least that's how it felt. Computer got infected at work, had to have the computer guy come in and fix it and that's always embarrassing...there was some issues with my medication...but it all got worked out...eventually.

One this I've revisited in the past couple of days is how hard this whole process is...not just on me but on Mikey too. I may be the one being pumped with hormones and prodded and injected and put on display so often during the month...but he is there every step of the way. He also, and most importantly, has to put up with me and my crazy hormone induced moods that I can't seem to control some days. I know I drive him bonkers...I'm definitely not the same woman I used to be...that's for damn sure. But regardless...even when discussions get heated or we have misunderstandings because of a mood I can't seem to reign in...he's always there for me...and I owe him more than I can ever repay.
That being said...this process is driving me a bit crazy myself. I swear that at some undetermined time in the future...if it's ever deemed that we can't get pregnant...I will be able to survive...but maybe only with a complete hysterectomy. I know that seems rash and extreme...but this cycle of hope and despair is too difficult to live with for the rest of my life. If it's deemed to not be possible after we exhaust all of the options that are available to us and that we can afford...I don't want to be allowed that hope ever again. I want it out. I want the constant reminders gone. That is the only way I can make peace with the idea of this never working. I know I know...I am sure I need a shrink some days. But I think it's logical. My bad. I guess I'm an extremest...all or nothing kind of gal. I have just wanted this for too damn long and have gone through so much in our time battling this. I'm not ready to give up...not by a long shot...but I know that I'm not strong enough to keep up this pace for the rest of my biologically available time. Hell...I don't even know how many more rounds the Doctor is willing to let me go through. I've been on 10 cycles of Femara, 3 IUI's, 1 miscarriage...I know others go through a lot more and like I said...not quite ready to throw in the towel...

Bout to chop all my hair off soon too...it's getting too long and bothersome...I want to swim...and not have to worry bout all the tangles and such getting in my way. Last summer I had it chopped and it was so nice for swimming. I'll miss my long hair terribly...but it's a process. can't keep letting vanity stand in my way...it was cute short and straight...just not so cute short and curly...just gotta use my iron more. But in turn I get to use the pool more and get to work out more and hopefully accelerate the weight loss some more. We splurged on Sunday, can't remember if I put that in Monday's blog...well...I'm bout back down to where I was before the splurge...and I'm feeling good about the weight loss. With what we've learned bout my body and his during this process...through process of elimination, my weight is the next hurdle to tackle...and sadly it's slow go...but I know it can be done. We are now focusing and hopefully won't have any more splurges and I can keep up my chocolate cover strawberries and they won't backfire on me. So far so good. Gotta be able to still find something you enjoy in life to get ya through. And I am. :)

And on that note...I think I want to return to back in the day when things could be solved in a simpler way...I vow to bring this back...anytime you have a problem you think is too much to bear...hehe...this may help to at least knock it down a few notches...Care Bear Stare! Come on...you all remember it...well least you girls do. There's nothing we can't do if we join forces and bring the good to knock down the evil. :)

OK...no seriously...Care Bear STARE!

CD8 - Random blog for a random day

There isn't much going on today. Kind of dull to be our busy season...lol

We helped some friends move into their new home this weekend...I ended up in a room and painted Friday night and all day Saturday...you'd think I would have finished but alas I think it is still unfinished...hate that. :( But I sure painted 98% of the room...just a little bit of the door frame was left I believe...

I don't think the paint fumes really messed with my head much but I do think they screwed with my nasal cavity...making them raw and fresh to be attacked by the pollen again. It's like the beginning of the season all over again, trying to get used to that.

Not much on the TTC front right now...just sitting and waiting for next week...all I can do...lol...just taking my meds and being a good girl. We splurged a little food wise this weekend and I hope it doesn't hinder me too badly. Even stopped at Dairy Queen for a blizzard...one of my past favorite things in the world...yeah...couldn't even get through half of a small one. I say that's progress and to boot it messed with my tummy...So I learned I don't need that kind of treat. Gonna stick with my strawberries and chocolate. lol

Um...hormones went a little wonky this weekend...but that's the meds...we got home Saturday night from moving and painting all day...and something in me snapped and I couldn't reign it in. I tried. It was a rough night to say the least but I took a swig of NyQuil and was able to sleep. Last night was much better but I swear I couldn't sleep for anything. Tonight I got the Cavs playing and then the Spurs in the late game...looks like lack of sleep will continue a little bit longer. Least with LeBron and the Spurs playing on the same night, that means I get every other night off from watching and I can go to bed on time. I know...priorities are all a bit wonky in my world...but the playoffs is only once a year...even if it lasts for months. Getting some quilting done tonight during the games should be good. Really gotta get cranking this out but gotta take my time and such.

I guess that's enough random ramblings today. Like I said...not much going on round here. Waiting for the case load to start piling up with finals upon us here at A&M but so far I'm just getting phone calls bout possible cases.