CD2 - Ugh? Tired

So yeah...didn't work again. What's new? I'm tired...tired of it all. Will be back at the doctor this Thursday and I'll be seeing what I can do now. I know he's talked bout big guns...and I want to try to the big guns...cos I really want it to work...but how much will it cost? and what are my odds on it?

Mom thinks I need to take a break. Mike thinks I should take a break. I half think I should take a break.

IUIs were a bust. 6 for 6 and they were a loss...$1800 on IUIs alone. $610 on fertility medications alone and more for deductibles, other medications and other stuff insurance won't cover...$3200 in the last 6 months...no results.

6 months straight of getting my hopes up, having fake hormones pumped in me, stress piled on me, night sweats for a week for 6 months straight, huge let downs for 6 months straight...I'm tired.

So...I'm at a point where I'm torn...do I go for the big guns this month? Cos it could work? It could be the magic bullet! Or do I take a break and recharge and most likely prolong the process when I'm already 32 and not getting any younger...the older I get the more likely there could be for birth defects and such...but you hear so many people say...we couldn't get pregnant till we gave up...well my body doesn't seem to work properly without meds so I can't give up completely or take a break completely...I don't feel that will work really...is there some other procedure to explore why I'm not able?

See why I require distractions? I'll drive myself into the loony-bin with all these what-ifs and what-nots...I need a vacation from life. I need a way to step back and not have to make a decision...but that's impossible...my brain won't shut off and any break or vacation I see only postpones something that I've postponed too long to begin with...Trying hard not to throw in the towel but some days it's so tempting...just get some good antidepressant medications, some hypnotherapy to convince myself not to break down whenever I see a child or pregnant woman or ad about unplanned pregnancy and such...just give it all up...get everything yanked out to I no longer have any hope that it could happen...hope only fosters pain and disappointment right now...a friend told me it was OK to have some of these frustrated thoughts and ideas...but it's not. Nothing about this whole flipping process is OK. NOTHING. I'm mostly exhausted from trying to make it OK to me. This is the hand I'm dealt. I have to play with the cards I've been given. GIVE ME A NEW FREAKING DECK!

OK...I'm off to distract myself with work or a book or a TV show I don't really care bout but I can focus on for a bit so my anger simmers down...I know I got whiny and I got mad...I have to calm down...