One this I've revisited in the past couple of days is how hard this whole process is...not just on me but on Mikey too. I may be the one being pumped with hormones and prodded and injected and put on display so often during the month...but he is there every step of the way. He also, and most importantly, has to put up with me and my crazy hormone induced moods that I can't seem to control some days. I know I drive him bonkers...I'm definitely not the same woman I used to be...that's for damn sure. But regardless...even when discussions get heated or we have misunderstandings because of a mood I can't seem to reign in...he's always there for me...and I owe him more than I can ever repay.
That being said...this process is driving me a bit crazy myself. I swear that at some undetermined time in the future...if it's ever deemed that we can't get pregnant...I will be able to survive...but maybe only with a complete hysterectomy. I know that seems rash and extreme...but this cycle of hope and despair is too difficult to live with for the rest of my life. If it's deemed to not be possible after we exhaust all of the options that are available to us and that we can afford...I don't want to be allowed that hope ever again. I want it out. I want the constant reminders gone. That is the only way I can make peace with the idea of this never working. I know I know...I am sure I need a shrink some days. But I think it's logical. My bad. I guess I'm an extremest...all or nothing kind of gal. I have just wanted this for too damn long and have gone through so much in our time battling this. I'm not ready to give up...not by a long shot...but I know that I'm not strong enough to keep up this pace for the rest of my biologically available time. Hell...I don't even know how many more rounds the Doctor is willing to let me go through. I've been on 10 cycles of Femara, 3 IUI's, 1 miscarriage...I know others go through a lot more and like I said...not quite ready to throw in the towel...
Bout to chop all my hair off soon too...it's getting too long and bothersome...I want to swim...and not have to worry bout all the tangles and such getting in my way. Last summer I had it chopped and it was so nice for swimming. I'll miss my long hair terribly...but it's a process. can't keep letting vanity stand in my way...it was cute short and straight...just not so cute short and curly...just gotta use my iron more. But in turn I get to use the pool more and get to work out more and hopefully accelerate the weight loss some more. We splurged on Sunday, can't remember if I put that in Monday's blog...well...I'm bout back down to where I was before the splurge...and I'm feeling good about the weight loss. With what we've learned bout my body and his during this process...through process of elimination, my weight is the next hurdle to tackle...and sadly it's slow go...but I know it can be done. We are now focusing and hopefully won't have any more splurges and I can keep up my chocolate cover strawberries and they won't backfire on me. So far so good. Gotta be able to still find something you enjoy in life to get ya through. And I am. :)
And on that note...I think I want to return to back in the day when things could be solved in a simpler way...I vow to bring this back...anytime you have a problem you think is too much to bear...hehe...this may help to at least knock it down a few notches...Care Bear Stare! Come on...you all remember it...well least you girls do. There's nothing we can't do if we join forces and bring the good to knock down the evil. :)
OK...no seriously...Care Bear STARE!
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