I just got off the phone with the doc...he's always so upbeat and positive sounding. I mentioned he had said that if my insulin was low enough, he'd try the "big gun" shot on me next cycle if it didn't work this cycle. So I got my numbers and yes I'm insulin resistant still but my glucose:insulin ratio is still in the lower side of normal. Glucose in the 80's both times now and Insulin down from 16 to 15.3 this go round. So I'm upping my metformin/glucophage. I really can tolerate 1000mg OK. Anything above that and ugh...intense stomach pain for a few days and then nausea and ravenously hungry...mostly for carbs. We'll see what I can do. I think I'm going to cut up 500mg pills and space em out. 500 is a lot to add at one time. Doc says that adding this 500 should do the trick to get my insulin down to 10. Ugh...if it was as easy as popping a pill I wouldn't bat an eye...but I've been through this sooo many times now with different doctors and PCOS. I'll give it a go again...why not. It's either this or give up...and I'm scared how close I am to that option.
I seriously look sometimes at my life...how I live...what I do...what my life consists of...and I like my life. I like being free of things that can hinder my plans...but then I look at my life long dream...having a child...and I say I don't mind giving the rest up...I will do anything in my power to make this happen. This journey has been a LONG one. And it's not even as long as some people have to deal with. Granted in total I haven't been preventing getting pregnant since we got married almost 8 years ago. We've only been under close Dr care for the last year and a half. But man that year and a half has been Hell. Month after month has gone by. Starting out things looks so good. Medication to "restart" my ovaries for 2 months and then 3 months in with Femara to induce ovulation and Bingo-Bango it worked. Then for whatever reason...it was gone. a couple of months to let my body recover and try to get back in a routine...and then ever since it's been an uphill battle and I can't stop from feeling like every cycle I lose ground. The past couple of months have gotten worse. And it makes me ponder and wonder WHY? Why am I doing this anymore. I'm a fighter and I'm determined but damnit...I'm running out of supplies. Moral is down. I feel like going AWOL but I don't feel I have that as a choice yet. AWOL means abandoning the entire fight to me...and I don't know how to do that.
I was talking with Nikky just the other day bout how much of a horrendous journey this has turned into. She was convinced, as I was, that it happened so quickly the first go round, it would be a cake walk the second time around. Boy were we ever wrong. after just the meds alone weren't really working...I thought for sure that the IUIs would on top of the meds make it a slam dunk. Of course we know where we are...next month will be hard again for me. Hell the rest of this month will be difficult. You try having the one and only failed pregnancy that you have had being told to you on the day Michael Jackson died...not like I can ever forget that date. Not like the media would even let me forget. I can't even hear his name without recalling how happy I was that day for such a completely different reason other than him. So regardless of how this cycle goes...how this IUI goes next week...whether or not I get pregnant this month...it's gonna be a rough one. And if I do manage to get pregnant this cycle...I'm gonna be paranoid as Hell that it'll follow in the last footsteps...ugh
See why I have been in need of distractions? In need of a good party for our birthdays to really be able to let loose and relax and just maybe enjoy life for a night? I need to enjoy myself and maybe not talk bout infertility for a night...I don't know. We'll see how it goes.
OK...in other news...carport is looking great! This rain recently is making me feel better and better bout our decision to use birthday cash for this gravel so my carport no longer floods every time it drizzles or storms. Plus the step up into the house is half what it used to be so YAY for my knees. Just gotta get everything back in and organized and looking at least decent. Mike has done an awesome job and has the blisters and sun burn to prove it. I'll be home tomorrow getting the inside cleaned and maybe even mow if it dries out enough by then...ugh to rain when I wanna have a party...
Oh and Ethel says Hi!...she's been whispering to me lately. She's not full on talking or screaming yet but I hope she can do a decent job this cycle and let Lucy rest...Lucy gets so mad and yells when she has to carry the load so much.
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