So I had this grand plan for the month. I knew it would be hard to pull off...but I needed distractions for the entire month. We got through our annual birthday party and we had a blast. Had some really good peeps show up and we got to catch up and hang and just have fun and let loose.
I think I'm a lost cause because even though I was having fun and letting loose...I was still bringing up this stuff. I was still randomly getting weepy bout it. I made it through and was able to pull out of it each time but still...they shouldn't have even popped up. I just don't know how to get this stuff off my brain. It's too ever present for me just to hide it all.
Yesterday was Mikey's birthday. I did my best to make it his day...do all the things he wanted to do. I tried hard not to bring him down when I was down yesterday afternoon...but it still affected him. He worries bout me...I can't stop him from doing that...just like I couldn't stop my tears last night. I don't even know why I was crying. I shouldn't have had any kind of hormone flux yet. Coming soon but not yet. My Ov test this morning showed a very very faint line...may get to do my IUI Thursday or Friday I guess...I'm expecting another shot too...who knows. Right now neither Ethel or Lucy are really speaking to me. It really should be Ethel's turn...but they don't seem to listen to that kind of reasoning.
Maybe my moods are crappy cos of my metformin change...I don't know. I truly don't have a clue. I'm trying to adjust that slowly so I don't have the intense issues I had last time. I just can't seem to get out of the despair of my defeatism from this past failed cycle. It's to the point where I don't really feel I can turn back now, we've put too much time, stress, money, pain, and suffering into this whole process just to give up. And I still want to hold true to my little saying that "I ain't so afraid of losing something that I ain't gonna try to have it." But damn this is draining and hard. I think of just giving up and moving on...but I seriously don't have a clue how to do that. I don't know if I can...without constant medication that I don't want to be on...I just don't know anymore...
So tomorrow's my birthday and right now I can't even get truly excited for that. My folks are even coming into town to take us out to dinner for our birthdays and their anniversary since I was such a wonderful anniversary present to this 32 years ago...and I'm excited for that. I get to go to Houston this weekend to celebrate my niece's birthday on Saturday and then I get to track down Nikky...whether she's at home or at the hospital with her new bundle of joy...I have to spend some quality time with her if I can...we are way overdue. I'm pretty sure she doesn't think I love her anymore cos I haven't been able to be there for her like I want...cos I'm just not a strong enough person here lately. No matter how I try to explain it to her, I know she feels left out and like I'm abandoning her...and I can totally understand that thought process cos if the roles were reversed I'd be in that mind frame. I just won't wear any eye make up on Saturday...cos I know I'm gonna be a wreck regardless.
I guess that's it for now. Enough of an emotional dump for today...I gotta find a way to climb outta this hole...distractions are welcome...sooner rather than later...
