Sometimes I think I dwell on some things too much...but a girl has to grieve and I truly think that if it wasn't for Michael Jackson and my best friend's son's birthday, these days would fade into sometime in June of last year, and sometime in July of that summer...but unfortunately...I have specific days to look back on and be extra sad. So on that note...a year ago today it was confirm via ultrasound that I had miscarried. That brought Hell down on my life for the remainder of the summer basically. I *knew* that I had a few days prior but to have it confirmed and all hope lost, was something I can't even fathom being able to explain fully.
This morning probably wasn't the greatest to get yet another negative result on a pregnancy test...that was bad on my part. But I've just been having hope lately and inklings that something may be working...guess it's either just the progesterone or it's too early...but with my cycle shorter who knows...
Just a bummer of a day today all around. Not sure exactly why I didn't just call in and say I couldn't find any big girl panties and stay home and in bed. I think it would have been justified. I just don't have a ton of time just sitting there to take off. Also, I can't just go out and do retail therapy right now to cheer myself up or distract myself...too damn broke. Why am I broke? cos I'm spending too much on what so many people take for granted...that and debt...but still...it's just not fair. How many women and teenage girls curse when they are late and hate the fact that they are pregnant...and here I am shelling out the bucks to try my damnest to get that way. Ugh...for another day I suppose...I can't risk getting that upset right now...and trust me, that irritates the crap outta me...
What I have on my side right now...a loving husband who puts up with me through all of this, good family & friends to help support me, and my weight is still going down. Forgot to mention I beat the hurdle of getting under 270 and I've been below for almost 2 weeks now...holding steady around 265...hoping that being broke and eating a little bit worse won't hurt that. Doing our best still to make the good choices.
I'm gonna go get lost in my book now...until work interrupts me...but I have to get away for a bit...lose myself in the world of Sookie...
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