CD23 - Ugh to the wait

So I'm waiting. I'm not the most patient and calm person but I'm trying. It's hard to shut off the brain when I truly need to. I'm getting random twinges that I'm trying not to read too much into. Been going on since Sunday-ish...could be the progesterone, could be tummy...but it seems like it's not tummy...so who knows. I won't be able to even check for a few more days...and even that would be a week early...so there is no point in doing that right? Right?

So Spirit Pig...I make sure he goes where ever I go. When we went to shoot pool Saturday night...he came along and chilling in my purse. When I'm sewing he's watching me...when I'm watching TV, he's watching me...when I'm asleep...you guessed it...he's snoozin and hogging the bed...oh wait...that's just Flash, my dachshund, SP is watching over me from my bedside. He's a good distraction and a good mascot. I'm going back to my pig obsession. I love Piggies. They are so darn cute! And hopefully helpful too!

I'm hoping to get in the pool this week. Last week I had the procedure and it's best not to swim following that and then we had some issues getting it clean and then just when we thought it was good it rained and then it turned greenish. Got that taken care of and then was really wanting to get in it last night when we got home from work and shopping...and BAM...big ole thunderstorm that lasted till after 10. I'm hoping tonight when I get home that all this bright sun shine has helped to warm it up and make it awesome so I can get in and relax, work out and maybe get in some volleyball...who knows. I miss the water so much. Soooo...crossing my fingers I can get home tonight and get in there and it's not too cold still and there are no thunderstorms popping up...

Dang these little twinges...can they please let me know what they mean? Sorry...was distracted but then it came back. They aren't cramps. I'm just acutely aware of my insides after so much poking and prodding and such. It really just feels like a random little tickle/pinch...I don't even want to fathom what it could be. Well I mean, I do fathom...my brain does subconsciously...I can't stop it damnit...I try...I really do. I just have to distract my mind...These are the days where I wish I had ADD or ADHD...and I could just flit from one thought to the next and never allow my brain to hyper-focus on any one pathway...damnit...why was I not cursed with such a wonderful affliction instead of being cursed with infertility...

I do good most days. I swear. I even held together pretty good when I last spoke to my Oma...she had a little minor surgery and I was calling to check on her...she had the nerve to check on me right back. I swear Oma...I wasn't looking for her to do that. But no, we of course went there and talking about pitter-patters of little feet and how that makes the world go round. Yes yes Oma...it does...Yes...yes...it will happen eventually...she knows it will. She is all powerful and all knowing so maybe she knows something I don't. We are going home this weekend so I'll get to go bug her for a few hours and probably end up crying...I always do. Cos that's the wreck I am lately...but I do my best to hold it in. Not doing a great job of it right now and I'm only blogging cos I have a student sitting in my office and this looks more like work than watching Castle on hulu...

OK. Think that's as far as I can go...Nikky's quilt is ready to take to the quilter this weekend and then I can truly finish it...you know...only to start another project. I'm very happy with this quilt. I love the fabrics, I love the colors, I love the design that I came up with. It's frustrating not going straight from a pattern but it's also a bit liberating. Guess that's all I can report today. I will continue to push off my concerns and thoughts I'm having over to Spirit Pig...maybe he can carry the load. He is made outta stone...maybe soon I'll have a big squish-able Spirit Pig that I can let my frustrations out on by squeezing it.

Toodles!

CD18 - Kind of moody today

I'm sure it's from the stress I'm not feeling and the coming down off the HCG shot...I'm just a bit moody and I wanna curl up and sleep all day...can't cos I'm at work and people would look at me funny on the couch in my office. So I don't. I have given up coffee for this week and next and whatnot...just precautionary cos I read that caffeine can hinder stuff right now. So I'm not able to get my usual pick me up...I'm doing my best to stay away from my diet cokes and my coke zeros...just my zen green tea and water...and I'm tired. I'm not sleeping well. Stupid hormones give me vivid dreams and even if I can't remember all of them, I just don't feel rested...Wow...I'm a whiny one today...

Spirit pig keeps following me around. It's OK...he's not stalking. He's just so cute and tiny I can't leave him home alone when I need him with me to do his job.

I'm trying to submerge myself in shows on hulu and comedy central to get me through the day...but then I have students coming in and phones ringing and people expect me to do my job...seriously? Really? LOL...fine...I guess...I was just grooving to Glee when the latest student came in to review her file. So I sit and blog while she's here. I'll probably be done before she leaves.

This job gets me thinking sometimes. So many parents think their child can do no wrong. They obviously are not to blame. And I wonder if I'll ever be like that or if I'll get the chance. I'd like to say that while I will love my child unconditionally, I will know they are human and can make mistakes, careless judgment calls which have them violating our sacred Honor code...I try to give everyone the benefit of the doubt when they come through this office. Usually I can read the kid and know if they are blatantly lying to me or not...this current kid, through me for a loop. Out right lied to me. Told our Investigators she did it, flat out, no blinking. Now she's coming to me like she didn't ever lie to me. I'm not the judge...I'm not supposed to care...but she point blank lied to me. I mean, she had no reason to. All I do is facilitate the process...Make the process of going through our Honor Council process as smooth as possible. And she lied to my face. Now she's going to blame her multitude of medications she's on for changing her character and causing her to cheat in 3 classes simultaneously. And I know our Honor Council will take that into consideration but it doesn't change the fact that she faked Doctors notes for multiple dates in 3 classes...OK...I'm off focusing on this cos it just irritates me...

So yeah...guess I'm a little testy today. Stupid hormone shot mixed with my already hormonal self with ovulation in general. OK. Breathing and going back to Glee...that will get me through til 3pm at least...then I have to get creative if no work has come in...

Oh...worked on the back of my quilt last night. Got the big center figured out and made...now I just have to build on that...but I have a game tonight...hopefully LeBron won't frustrate me too much. No pictures of the quilt now until it is delivered...which I have to get crackin on cos my Nikky is now on the dreaded bed rest...Gotta leave something as a surprise...

CD17 - IUI this morning and now the dreaded 2WW...ugh

Anyone got one of those time machine thingies...a big Blue police box that goes ? Anybody? No...damnit...I could use one right now. This is the hardest part of this process that goes on every month/cycle we try...Is it working? Will it take? What's going on in there? Hello?

Breathe in...Breathe out...not supposed to stress...stress produces bad chemicals that can only hinder things. Gotta be Easy-Breasy...roll with the punches and avoid the detours and day dreams. Yeah...that's a plan.

Soooooo...I have a dreaded 2 week wait ahead of me. More progesterone support...joy...all the fun of being pregnant without knowing if I am...ugh...I will survive...I always do. I wanted to write more but this week is busy and I got sidetracked by work. Least it made the afternoon fly by.

Got some more material so I can finish Ms Nikky's quilt...plan on heading home on the 22nd so I can get it quilted and then have it finished finished when I get down to Houston in June after our birthdays...Working on finishing my blue jean quilt too...still have to get something for batting...it's gonna be cute with all these little red buttons sewed in instead of actual quilting. Red Ribbon for binding...should be adorable.

Going to Roger Creager on Saturday at Wolf Penn free concert series. Should be a great time. Trying to get a group of peeps together...always more fun in a group...

Oh...and I have a Spirit Pig! We were in this Organic Food store and stumbled upon it and he screamed at me and I couldn't resist. He supposedly brings fertility, abundance and determination...plus...he's CUTE and a red head too...hehehe...Without further adieu...let me introduce...SP...Spirit Pig! He was there for all of today's festivities.

CD16 - Follicle scan done, IUI tomorrow...dreaded shot in

So OK...went in this morning for a follicle scan. Biggest we've seen yet...which explains the pains I've been getting. It's right at 30mm. (Mike said it looked like the size of my entire ovary. LOL) Just one...but one is better than none right? He went ahead and ordered me a HCG/Trigger shot to be sure I pop it out...We go in in the morning to do our 4th IUI. Endo lining is "beautiful" so says my doctor. I wanted to say that's nice...please make sure I don't see it on anything but the screen this month...but I stopped myself. He doesn't get my humor.

So we went and got the shot over the lunch and I gave it to myself in the bathroom. At no point in my life have I ever wanted to become a heroin addict...but this stuff reminds me that I never could. I hate giving myself shots...even with such a thin needle that I don't even feel it. I had a bit of a hot flash right before I injected it and had a vision of the needle breaking off it's so damn thin. I can give blood and I can get blood drawn...no problem...it's me doing it to myself that's hard as Hell for me to do. So...moral of this story...never will I become a heroin addict. :)

Trying not to be too pessimistic. Can't be too optimistic either...dangerous razor fence I straddle each month. Neither side of the fence is good for me. It's a delicate and dangerous balancing act.

So I made ti through the weekend. Mother's Day...not my favorite of holidays. I know I love my Mom and my Oma and all that jazz and appreciate them the entire year round. It's just a commercial holiday made up my the card companies and it's a good way to make people spend money...Don't get me wrong, I feel they need to have a day to be appreciated. Being a mom is hard work I hear...well so is trying to become one. So is going through the hope of becoming one, only to have it dashed with a miscarriage so you feel you will never be a mother. I obviously have some negative feelings bout the day...Technically...I should be a mother by now. I should have a 2-3 month old right bout now...but I don't. I'm still stuck trying. I actually only have a couple more months to try...evidently they will only do Femara for 6 cycles at a time and then I'd have to take a 3-4 month break or go directly to IVF...and I'm afraid to even find out how much that costs...cos I know I can't afford it.

And some have even tried to make me feel better bout Mother's Day for myself...that I'm a mother to all my animals...um...yes...I am Mom to them...but um...sorry. I don't think it compares. I didn't carry them in my womb, I didn't go through labor to deliver them, I didn't breast feed them, I didn't teach them right from wrong...I may have to change diapers on them and all that jazz cos they are morons, but seriously...they are animals. They are not my flesh & blood children. They are my fur & flea covered children. I know people mean well...but I'm a very difficult person to comfort or console or any of that...So I let them say their peace and I move on...as it slowly gnaws at me from the inside.

I did make some progress on my quilt this weekend...but now I'm really out of fabric and have to go in and try to find some more today...here's what I have so far...my most in depth design yet...guess it's for someone special...

CD11 - Outlooks and life

This week has been kind of rough. Started out boring and then all Hell broke loose...least that's how it felt. Computer got infected at work, had to have the computer guy come in and fix it and that's always embarrassing...there was some issues with my medication...but it all got worked out...eventually.

One this I've revisited in the past couple of days is how hard this whole process is...not just on me but on Mikey too. I may be the one being pumped with hormones and prodded and injected and put on display so often during the month...but he is there every step of the way. He also, and most importantly, has to put up with me and my crazy hormone induced moods that I can't seem to control some days. I know I drive him bonkers...I'm definitely not the same woman I used to be...that's for damn sure. But regardless...even when discussions get heated or we have misunderstandings because of a mood I can't seem to reign in...he's always there for me...and I owe him more than I can ever repay.
That being said...this process is driving me a bit crazy myself. I swear that at some undetermined time in the future...if it's ever deemed that we can't get pregnant...I will be able to survive...but maybe only with a complete hysterectomy. I know that seems rash and extreme...but this cycle of hope and despair is too difficult to live with for the rest of my life. If it's deemed to not be possible after we exhaust all of the options that are available to us and that we can afford...I don't want to be allowed that hope ever again. I want it out. I want the constant reminders gone. That is the only way I can make peace with the idea of this never working. I know I know...I am sure I need a shrink some days. But I think it's logical. My bad. I guess I'm an extremest...all or nothing kind of gal. I have just wanted this for too damn long and have gone through so much in our time battling this. I'm not ready to give up...not by a long shot...but I know that I'm not strong enough to keep up this pace for the rest of my biologically available time. Hell...I don't even know how many more rounds the Doctor is willing to let me go through. I've been on 10 cycles of Femara, 3 IUI's, 1 miscarriage...I know others go through a lot more and like I said...not quite ready to throw in the towel...

Bout to chop all my hair off soon too...it's getting too long and bothersome...I want to swim...and not have to worry bout all the tangles and such getting in my way. Last summer I had it chopped and it was so nice for swimming. I'll miss my long hair terribly...but it's a process. can't keep letting vanity stand in my way...it was cute short and straight...just not so cute short and curly...just gotta use my iron more. But in turn I get to use the pool more and get to work out more and hopefully accelerate the weight loss some more. We splurged on Sunday, can't remember if I put that in Monday's blog...well...I'm bout back down to where I was before the splurge...and I'm feeling good about the weight loss. With what we've learned bout my body and his during this process...through process of elimination, my weight is the next hurdle to tackle...and sadly it's slow go...but I know it can be done. We are now focusing and hopefully won't have any more splurges and I can keep up my chocolate cover strawberries and they won't backfire on me. So far so good. Gotta be able to still find something you enjoy in life to get ya through. And I am. :)

And on that note...I think I want to return to back in the day when things could be solved in a simpler way...I vow to bring this back...anytime you have a problem you think is too much to bear...hehe...this may help to at least knock it down a few notches...Care Bear Stare! Come on...you all remember it...well least you girls do. There's nothing we can't do if we join forces and bring the good to knock down the evil. :)

OK...no seriously...Care Bear STARE!

CD8 - Random blog for a random day

There isn't much going on today. Kind of dull to be our busy season...lol

We helped some friends move into their new home this weekend...I ended up in a room and painted Friday night and all day Saturday...you'd think I would have finished but alas I think it is still unfinished...hate that. :( But I sure painted 98% of the room...just a little bit of the door frame was left I believe...

I don't think the paint fumes really messed with my head much but I do think they screwed with my nasal cavity...making them raw and fresh to be attacked by the pollen again. It's like the beginning of the season all over again, trying to get used to that.

Not much on the TTC front right now...just sitting and waiting for next week...all I can do...lol...just taking my meds and being a good girl. We splurged a little food wise this weekend and I hope it doesn't hinder me too badly. Even stopped at Dairy Queen for a blizzard...one of my past favorite things in the world...yeah...couldn't even get through half of a small one. I say that's progress and to boot it messed with my tummy...So I learned I don't need that kind of treat. Gonna stick with my strawberries and chocolate. lol

Um...hormones went a little wonky this weekend...but that's the meds...we got home Saturday night from moving and painting all day...and something in me snapped and I couldn't reign it in. I tried. It was a rough night to say the least but I took a swig of NyQuil and was able to sleep. Last night was much better but I swear I couldn't sleep for anything. Tonight I got the Cavs playing and then the Spurs in the late game...looks like lack of sleep will continue a little bit longer. Least with LeBron and the Spurs playing on the same night, that means I get every other night off from watching and I can go to bed on time. I know...priorities are all a bit wonky in my world...but the playoffs is only once a year...even if it lasts for months. Getting some quilting done tonight during the games should be good. Really gotta get cranking this out but gotta take my time and such.

I guess that's enough random ramblings today. Like I said...not much going on round here. Waiting for the case load to start piling up with finals upon us here at A&M but so far I'm just getting phone calls bout possible cases.

CD4 - Google is a wonderful thing

I know I'm going to use some abbreviations that not everyone understands...I apologize for that. Google is a wonderful device though...lol

IUI (Inter-Uterine Insemination) - Sperm gets "washed" and dead ones are removed and the healthy ones are put into a protein solution and basically injected into the uterus through a catheter.

IF - Simply Infertility

TTC - Trying To Conceive

CD - Cycle Day

Femara - hormonal medication I take to force my broken system to ovulate

Trigger Shot (HCG shot) - what they give me when I should ovulate around Friday or Saturday but they don't work on weekends so we have to do an IUI on a Friday and that's the best chance to make sure I ovulate within the next 24-48 hours. (side note: shot itself doesn't hurt at ALL...the after effects bring me to my knees...and I can't walk without being hunched over for 3 days)

Hysterosonogram - Procedure to check out the uterine lining via saline being pumped into the uterus through another tortured catheter and an internal sonogram wand to check for any abnormalities. (this was done last month and man did that make my day a whole Hell of a lot of fun...)

Umm...can't think of any others at the moment but I'm sure I will and I will try to be better bout definitions.

So on another note...I was advising a friend yesterday that she needed to use her creativity as method for Therapy to get through life while we battle through this fight. I told her to draw, to paint, to sew, to arrange flowers, to cry when she needed to and to scream when she needed to as well.

I tried to take my own advice last night when I got home. I'm having issues working on my current quilt. I'm not good at making things all the right size evidently...so I'm having to redo a square...recut what I needed to and laid it out. Sewed it partially together and then I fizzled out. I really need to get it done. It's gonna be gorgeous. It's just the creative part is kind of out of it right now. I designed it. That was creative. I picked out the fabrics. That was creative and fun. Now it's down to mechanics and I hate mechanics. lol But alas I will get it done one way or another...gotta wrangle my Math Degree'd hubby's mind to work out my interior square deminsions cos I had to go and make it difficult on myself. Tonight I will hit it again and maybe get to that point as long as this square is better sized than the last one. lol Here is a pic of at least one of the squares...

Work is getting to the busy season and I'm hoping nothing gets scheduled on the morning I want to do my IUI...cos you know what...I'm doing an IUI...if I have to miss a hearing...so be it. It will get done. Helping some friend move into their first home that they bought this weekend. Think we are painting Friday evening and moving on Saturday. Gotta find some energy somewhere.

Guess that's all for today...toodles!

Changes afloat around here, CD3

OK...it's been decided and I'm gonna try my best to keep up with it...The blog is now bout me trying to get pregnant and the Hellish journey it takes us on. I guess I've felt closeted bout all this. It's not that I'm not an open person and if you ask the right questions I won't tell you everything in way too many details that you'll only regret asking...but I don't know. I feel this gives me a voice. other women out there have found theirs in this fight. Now I'm making room for mine. I am Infertile with PCOS...hear me ROAR! LMAO

OK. First thing to know bout me is I can't get through life without a sense of humor. I can't get through this process only on despair. I have to find a happy medium and not be ashamed of when I need to vent and when I need to curl up and cry and when I want to beat my head against the wall or when I need to just scream!

Second thing to know is that this blog is not for the extremely squeamish. If you don't want to read bout the eccentricities of the human reproductive model in the Dr's office...then stop reading. Give up and move on. Cos I will talk bout dildo cam scans for cysts, for follicles, Intro-Uterine Insemination's (IUI's) and a host of other stuff. I'm not shy. I've had Doctor's and Interns look under the trunk and at this point...who cares anymore. I just want a damn child...a red headed one would be preferred...but at this point I'm not picky...there is always hair dye.

So here we go...a brief history...We've been trying to get pregnant since we got married in October of 2002. Just doing the regular married couple thing, thinking we'd have no trouble. End of 2008, we decided we might just need some assistance. Found a Doctor who I thought was great...started the whole process with him at the beginning of 2009. He put me on birth control to reset my system for 6 weeks and then started me on Femara...after 3 months on Femara, we managed to get pregnant and were overjoyed. That was short lived. At about 7.5 weeks i started spotting. Went to the Dr cos of course I was a bit scared. Had the worst internal ultrasound of my life, and by worst, I mean most painful...and saw a heartbeat...signs of life just fine. After a bit more of an extremely painful ultrasound...we left only to go home and miscarry. I'm not fighting the feeling anymore that I blame that horrible Dr...but I continue to go to him for the remainder of the year cos I was in denial. he had to put me on anti-depressants for about a month because I couldn't function. My world had been ripped away from me. We continued on with him for the remainder of 2009. No success and we seriously butted heads on who knew my body better...me or him.

I won and found a new doctor. I love my new Doctor so far. I'm still on Femara and we have had 3 cycles with IUI's. So far nothing has happened. What has happened is my wonderful hubby is on more vitamins and has totally improved everything on his end...and now it's just my body that won't time things right or get everything lined up properly. I'm crossing my fingers that the stars and charts and follicles will align properly this month in the middle of a week so we can get this to freaking work. Each IUI at my Doctor is $300. Not as bad as I feared but not cheap, especially when you are really focused on reducing your debt like we are. So finally I am allowing my wonderful and giving mother to help this month with a loan...that I will pay her back...see it's in writing...it'll have to happen this time.

Each IUI has been it's own interesting and mostly painful story. First was OK, but since it was the first things were rather sore. Second would have been fine but he had to give me a trigger shot to force ovulation because it was a Friday and my follicles hadn't popped yet...that had me where I couldn't walk straight for 3 days my abdomen was so tight. The 3rd was such a pain from the get-go because I was nuts and mentioned we thought some from the last IUI had trickled out...don't ever tell your doctor that if you go through this...cos then he basically left the speculum in, but allowed it to close on my cervix while I laid there and waited for 10-15 minutes...let that sink in...um...OUCH...I had trouble walking out of the office, much less drive home and lay down all day...finally he called me in some meds I could take for the pain. So I'm hoping this next round of IUI will not have any curve balls and nothing will be allowed to be clamped onto my cervix...I will kick him if he tries...

OK...now I have to say...I have a wonderful and supportive husband who loves me through all this craziness. He goes to every single Dr's appointment I go to, is in the room with me in the back with the doctor, Hell, he's his assistant half the time...I think we should be getting a discount. But regardless...he's my rock and I couldn't go through all this without him. I made sure and approved changing this blog over to this format with him before I went through with it. We have no secrets and we are an open book with each other.

So for this cycle...We are currently on Cycle Day 3. Went in for the Day 3 scan to check for cysts that could be blocking follicles...have my next appt for May 11th for a follicle scan unless I ovulate sooner than that. Hoping for an IUI on the 11th or 12th...and then the dreaded wait will begin.

Frustrated ranblings...

I just don't know if I have it in me anymore. I mean I know I do...it's just exhausting. My weight is coming down, little by little....and I have a wonderful loving husband who is very understanding...that's bout all I feel I have going for me right now.

I've been quiet on here as of late just cos I felt like if I said anything I'd jinx myself or add more stress...I am sick and tired of TTC and IF running my life. But if I stop everything, I lose a LOT of hope and such for my future and that's not good for my mindset. This is something that I want more than anything in the world. Something I've wanted for way too damn long.

I just need to vent...I'm tired. I'm jealous of all those who come at this so easily. Hell I'm jealous of those that it doesn't come to so easy but least it still comes to them. I can't even fathom going baby shopping for my best friend in the world...which is why she's getting a one of a kind quilt from me. Baby isles cause panic attacks in me. Baby and pregnancy announcements on FaceBook are bout to drive me crazy...sorry...but for those of you being "blessed" and wanting to share...I just block your updates. Somewhere I'm happy for ya...whether it's your 1st or your 5th...but damnit...can I not just have 1? Until that day...this is the only way to keep me somewhat sane.

I changed radio stations last week when they did a radiothon for Children's Miracle Network. Couldn't take it. I refuse to listen to the pregnant DJ that's on the station from 10-2...good thing I don't go to lunch often. I change the channel everything I hear a radio ad for my ex Dr who I blame for my loss...I was feeling like I was the only person that had these feelings of jealousy and and annoyance and hatred even...but a few clicks into the world of TTC blogs and I know I'm not. Hell, I was contemplating therapy to work through this...and for those that know me...know that's not an option I take lightly. I feel normal when I read those blogs. I cry...but I still feel normal. I don't seem to have anyone that I actually know know that is in my position. So I have to reach out and find it in strangers I'll never meet.

I feel my life is ruled by this. 2 weeks of knowing I'm not, followed by 2 weeks hoping with all I have that maybe this time will work...then rinse, cry, scream, beat a wall, repeat. I would take a break but damnit I'm not getting any younger and age is just adding to things. PCOS and my body just don't want to work right. I even get irrational thoughts of being so mad at my body for not cooperating...least I know they are irrational. When I think they are logical and deserved then we can worry bout my mindset. I know I'm rambling...

I had said last month that if this cycle didn't take, I was going to take a break from the doctors...least the procedures...for 6 months and focus on health and losing weight and still trying the old natural way...but I'm not sure I can...I don't know. I may have to take mom up on her offer of a loan to help us out. Hate the thought but we are working so hard to dig outta debt that this is setting us back majorly...and the past few months my timing has been off and fallen around a weekend...which sucks since my Dr doesn't work weekends...this cycle, things are predicted to fall in the middle of the week. Maybe, just maybe, that'll be what we need. Just perfecting the timing of the IUI and all will work. I mean I actually managed to get pregnant once before...why not now? Everything that has been checked doesn't show any signs to be in the way to hinder anything. My body is just broke...so is my heart right now.

I'm slowly pulling myself back up and getting ready to get back in the saddle...least the stirrups at the Dr office...haha...humor...it really does help me get through...I know I will get through somehow but until then...I vent. I bitch. I whine. I eat a few chocolate covered strawberries to get by. I dig out a little more hope from my hope chest...it's running low but I still seem some scraps. I cry a bit more and I look ahead. We'll see. That's all I can manage at this point...

Thanks for letting me vent interwebs...

ugh

OK...so there are plus and negatives about social media and me...I'm just too open of a damn person. Don't know where I got it from. People ask how I am lately or what's on my mind and they get an earful. I've been trying to not post so much lately bout what I'm going thru but Hell...sometimes I just can't stop myself. So here I am pouring more out there...

This month somehow seems rougher than the few before. I'm sick to death of the process, the emotional roller coaster, the physical stress and pain...ugh. Each cycle I have to pull myself out of the emotional trenches...plant some seeds of hope and keep tending to them but evidently I truly suck at gardening cos every cycle by the end, the seeds I planted are rotten and useless. This month with the procedure and the shot and all...it took me 3 days to physically recover and that wasn't even to 100%, that was just to a workable/walkable state. The financial and physical strain is wearing on me and we've only been with this doctor for 2 months. We've got it worked into the budget but damn our budget doesn't have much giving room at this point. I'm hoping he has a new plan of action or at least something that can give me hope. We will see him Monday morning.

It's hard to find the seeds of hope in my storage area...I think I'm running low. I don't have much hope for this coming month cos with the way things look on the calendar I'm not going to get to do anything I want to do this coming month cos of where stuff falls on days of the week and such. That frustrates me even more...Least we planned ahead with budget and when Mike will be gone at his folks...this just sucks. I can't explain it any other damn way. I'm mad. I'm sad. I'm exhausted. I'm drained. And to top it off I totally suck at being comforted. FML