I just don't know if I have it in me anymore. I mean I know I do...it's just exhausting. My weight is coming down, little by little....and I have a wonderful loving husband who is very understanding...that's bout all I feel I have going for me right now.
I've been quiet on here as of late just cos I felt like if I said anything I'd jinx myself or add more stress...I am sick and tired of TTC and IF running my life. But if I stop everything, I lose a LOT of hope and such for my future and that's not good for my mindset. This is something that I want more than anything in the world. Something I've wanted for way too damn long.
I just need to vent...I'm tired. I'm jealous of all those who come at this so easily. Hell I'm jealous of those that it doesn't come to so easy but least it still comes to them. I can't even fathom going baby shopping for my best friend in the world...which is why she's getting a one of a kind quilt from me. Baby isles cause panic attacks in me. Baby and pregnancy announcements on FaceBook are bout to drive me crazy...sorry...but for those of you being "blessed" and wanting to share...I just block your updates. Somewhere I'm happy for ya...whether it's your 1st or your 5th...but damnit...can I not just have 1? Until that day...this is the only way to keep me somewhat sane.
I changed radio stations last week when they did a radiothon for Children's Miracle Network. Couldn't take it. I refuse to listen to the pregnant DJ that's on the station from 10-2...good thing I don't go to lunch often. I change the channel everything I hear a radio ad for my ex Dr who I blame for my loss...I was feeling like I was the only person that had these feelings of jealousy and and annoyance and hatred even...but a few clicks into the world of TTC blogs and I know I'm not. Hell, I was contemplating therapy to work through this...and for those that know me...know that's not an option I take lightly. I feel normal when I read those blogs. I cry...but I still feel normal. I don't seem to have anyone that I actually know know that is in my position. So I have to reach out and find it in strangers I'll never meet.
I feel my life is ruled by this. 2 weeks of knowing I'm not, followed by 2 weeks hoping with all I have that maybe this time will work...then rinse, cry, scream, beat a wall, repeat. I would take a break but damnit I'm not getting any younger and age is just adding to things. PCOS and my body just don't want to work right. I even get irrational thoughts of being so mad at my body for not cooperating...least I know they are irrational. When I think they are logical and deserved then we can worry bout my mindset. I know I'm rambling...
I had said last month that if this cycle didn't take, I was going to take a break from the doctors...least the procedures...for 6 months and focus on health and losing weight and still trying the old natural way...but I'm not sure I can...I don't know. I may have to take mom up on her offer of a loan to help us out. Hate the thought but we are working so hard to dig outta debt that this is setting us back majorly...and the past few months my timing has been off and fallen around a weekend...which sucks since my Dr doesn't work weekends...this cycle, things are predicted to fall in the middle of the week. Maybe, just maybe, that'll be what we need. Just perfecting the timing of the IUI and all will work. I mean I actually managed to get pregnant once before...why not now? Everything that has been checked doesn't show any signs to be in the way to hinder anything. My body is just broke...so is my heart right now.
I'm slowly pulling myself back up and getting ready to get back in the saddle...least the stirrups at the Dr office...haha...humor...it really does help me get through...I know I will get through somehow but until then...I vent. I bitch. I whine. I eat a few chocolate covered strawberries to get by. I dig out a little more hope from my hope chest...it's running low but I still seem some scraps. I cry a bit more and I look ahead. We'll see. That's all I can manage at this point...
Thanks for letting me vent interwebs...
Just read your blog and it was like I was reading my own thoughts.
ReplyDeleteI just wanted to tell you that I think about you all the time, wonder where you are with this process and how you are holding up.
I often wonder if anyone feels like I do or if I am crazy. Thank you for making me feel a little more normal today. Knowing some one else has the same thoughts helps so much.
Right now I am in my two weeks of thinking maybe just maybe this time took. I close my eyes and I can imagine her perfect little head. (yes I dream of having a girl. Since it just a dream I figure I can be choosey). But them I come back to reality and realize that this month will be no different the rest most likely.
You know something funny. During the two weeks when they tell you not to take a pregancy test because it can produce a false positive. I have taken a test. Just because I wanted to see what a positive would look like. And I couldn't even produce a false positive! Talk about deflating.
Thank you for your blog today. I needed it more than I can ever tell you.
See...I had no idea you were going through the same. I'm glad my blog could help. We should talk. Be a support system. We've been at this with doctors for a year and a half now. I thought it would get easier. Hell, I thought it would come easy. And the first one did...but then after a series of events, I still don't know why, I lost it. Nothing felt better than that positive result on the test. I was elated. Happier than I've ever been. Then the world was yanked away from me and the bottom fell out. It's been a slow climb. I am still not who I was before that day. I was thinking earlier today of turning this blog into more of a Infertility/Try to Conceive centered blog...so maybe I can get more exposure and make more women like us feel normal-ish again. I can give you links to some of the ones that truly helped me if you want. Major hugs girl!
ReplyDeleteHang in there Audrey. I will keep you in my prayers that your wish will come true. Pray that I could find my soul mate. I really would like to have a husband someday. My days are sad, too. I know now I am too old to have children. I guess I have to be content in my own fate.
ReplyDeleteHugs!
ReplyDelete