CD5 - Back at the craps table

I'm tired. I'm exhausted of the process...but I'm back at the Craps table to take another shot this month. This summer has been OK so far but I'm getting to the very difficult portion. Last year, this time...I was pregnant. Hard to imagine. Very hard...least emotionally. I stayed home this past Friday...anniversary of me finding out that wonderful news...sadly, also the anniversary of Michael Jackson passing...I was a hermit. My only contact with the outside world was my iPhone...texting and FaceBook...buried my nose in my book and just took a break from it all. I got the very blatant reminder on that day that unlike last year, I wasn't pregnant. I know...I need to move on...but I can't seem to get past it. Even on Monday morning when the Radio DJs were discussing the BET awards and the tribute to MJ...I tried to tough it out but had to change the channel cos I was crying...put me in a bad mood the entire day pretty much...which is why I didn't blog...I was too down and typing bout this would have sent me bawling...I'm better today...

Was at the Dr yesterday...I managed not to cry this month...but my mood is getting lower and lower when I'm in there. I've upped my metformin to 1750mg now...bout to up it to 2000mg. Hopefully that should be it. Dr says it's the magical amount...will magically get my insulin levels down and egg production will be better and maybe just maybe, magically I'll get pregnant. IF this one doesn't take...then we move on to the big guns...I'm impatient...I want big guns now. I'm very tired...

I'm still trying for distractions. I have my nose in a book almost all the time right now...lost in the world of Sookie Stackhouse and her Vamps, and Weres and Special People...that and I'm sewing buttons on my blue jean quilt. It's a crazy idea and I wonder why I thought of it all the time...gonna be forever. But forever is probably what I need. (sigh) Catching up on some hulu today at work and going to try hard not to forget my book at work today so I have something to do tonight when I try to go to bed. Trying to live stress free and learning to reduce it so I can get there. Weight is coming back down again, not that's it's gone up but I'm right at that 270 mark again that frustrates me so.

Anyone wanna come BBQ this weekend and distract me? Mike wants to grill...and I wanna get in the pool and relax. The more the merrier...

CD30/1 - FML

Yeah so...I knew it was coming...tried not to think bout it...and it's coming...not a full on flow yet but enough to tell me the truth. Least I didn't waste any tests this cycle. I'm not calling it CD1 until I see more but damnit all to Hell. I'm tired of it. This was #5 of 6 that I supposedly can do. I'm going to start upping my metformin again tomorrow cos I know that's what the Dr will want to do...cos I'm sure my insulin isn't low enough yet.

The full brunt will hit me when I get home...right now I'm holding it together till 5. I'm just so tired...it's been a year now with no success...well least a year since I last found out I was. I did everything I could this cycle to make sure I wasn't hindering anything and not drive myself batshit crazy.

I had a long conversation with Terri last night bout the process and the Hell that it is and how it's not fair that we have to go through this. It doesn't change the fact that evidently that's what we have to do. I'm just numb right now. Not sure why I chose to write and blog but I did...trying to figure out what I can do differently this next cycle. What I need to avoid and what I need to do. Right now I'm just numb...later I will cry and the anger will roll in...I already feel it creeping in...awesome...55 more minutes at work...hopefully no one will call. I'm gonna try to dive back in my book...see if that can help...

CD28 - hormone overload

So last night and today have been a bit rough on me. Some days the hormone overload is just too much to bear. That whole 7-8 days following ovulation hormone surge is a BITCH...I can't control crap at that point.

Trying to not think about testing this week. Just put it outta my mind...forget I have any strips...just hold off on it. I've been having some interesting twinges but Hell, I seem to say that every month. I'm trying to be relaxed. I'm trying not to be totally negative but sometimes I just feel defeated. OK, a lot of last night and this morning I didn't see the point in trying...(sigh)...

So I'm trying to keep busy. Started reading the True Blood books...friend got me started on watching the series Saturday night and so far I'm loving it. The book doesn't read as fast as she said it would but least it's a distraction. Work has been pretty dull...trying to get one idiot's case cleared up but that looks like it's being put off till next week. I'm so sick of that whole case...

Maybe I should plan ahead and up my St John's Wort round this time...maybe that can help my mood and control issues...who knows...I just wanna curl up...sleep...rest...and not think bout any of this. Last night with the craziness I was in, I just fell asleep crying...this is just so damn hard...ugh...Why again did I have to find out I was pregnant last year on the day Michael Jackson died? cos I can't even avoid it if I tried...1st anniversary and all on Friday. It may be a really rough day. If I end up starting on Friday...no one should expect to see me that day. I doubt I'll come outta my cave that day at all...(sigh)...OK...now to go read some more.

CD24 - One week to go...

One week has come and gone...I think I've distracted myself enough so far...one week to go till good or horrible news...I'm gonna do my best to keep myself occupied this weekend. Wanted to go see Nikky and her new little one...but it doesn't work well for her and I respect that. Maybe next weekend...depending if it's Horrible or Good news...I doubt I should be trusted in Houston traffic if it's horrible news...

This week has been interesting, but dull all the same. Really not much to report. We have started the war on scorpions and I think we may have thrown em off so far. Mike sprayed down the perimeter of the house and the pool and the carport...we didn't see one last night...killed one inside the night before and that was in my toilet paper drawer...on the roll I picked up...and he didn't sting me. Counted myself lucky there.

The NBA Finals were a bit of a disappointment to me...not that I'm a Celtics fan...I'm just anybody but Kobe fan. I hear there is a lot of that going around.

Spirit Pig has been tagging along with me lately. Nothing new there...waiting for his big fluffy sister to show up so I can squeeze on her...waiting patiently for my birthday present...patiently...lol...yeah that's me...I want my piggy!

Kind of boring lately...it's why I haven't written. If I can keep the stress to a dull roar I count it a win for now. All I can do...right?

CD21 - Not much to report

Really not much to report I guess...Least I don't feel like it. Lucy and Ethel were really upset on Saturday night. I think they were excited to have Nikky's baby to talk to cos Nikky was telling me that she was being a lot more active that night. Like to think I might have had something to do with getting that precious little one here yesterday...pheromones and ovaries talking to Ms. Noella Crystell and such. I'm sure I had nothing to do with it but damn I hurt after hanging out over there. It got so bad, that I had to shut them up with Darvocet. As always, Lucy was the most vocal...think she was maddest cos she wasn't even supposed to work this cycle. Like trying to squeeze cash from a turnip...can't be done.

The girls have calmed down for the most part. Still getting a random twinge here and there...not sure why or what it is. So I just have to keep on keeping on with my waiting...and more waiting...Still working on distractions so if you got an idea, throw it out there. Wanna get back down to Houston this weekend to visit my new "niece" but fundage seems to be missing. Working on fixing that. If not this weekend, I know I'll get down there soon. Wanna give them time to get home and get settled first.

Got a blue jean quilt to work on and I got cross stitch. Basketball is over this week...either tonight (hoping) or Thursday night...After that I'm gonna have to distract myself in the pool or become productive in the sewing room. Have to work on the war against the scorpions as well. My finger is burning and itching so much it's a pain to type with but I'm doing my best to push through. Just have more typos to fix. hehe I still am glad to have him sting my finger than get stung on my face or worst case scenario have him get stuck in my hair and sting my scalp...grumble grumble...that would have PISSED me off. This is just an annoyance.

Spirit Pig made the trip to Houston this past weekend. I got my niece Brooke to give him a good luck kiss so maybe that'll help. I know...grasping at straws. Would have had Lauren do the same but she's still very untrusting of strangers and sadly, that is what I am to her. Man, if looks could kill, I'd be dead from the time I offered to hold her so her daddy could take pics of Brooke's presents or the time I offered to help her with her drink...she has some spunk at 21 months...lol

OK...guess that's it...couldn't blog yesterday cos I would have had to talk bout Ms. Noella and I was not authorized yet to do so. Her making her entrance hit me at an off time. I'm kind of overwhelmed...my trigger shot is leaving my system and putting me in my usual tired/depressed mood...and then I get the text that she's here. I can't lie...it caused me to ache and to have a little cry. But all of that was for JoJo...I've very happy that Noella is here and I'm very happy and excited for Nikky and her hubby. She is a gorgeous precious baby girl who weighed in at 6lbs, 8oz. Just the normal ache of sorrow and envy that I tend to get. Was expecting it, but just didn't realize how strong it would be.

OK...back to distractions...anyone got any? hehe

CD17 - IUI#5

Well we did #5 this morning. Was a bit confused on a few things...but it's done. And now the wait begins. My Ov test this morning was not a strong positive or anything so I was confused if I needed to pick up a shot before we went to the doc and evidently they were too...cos I had to go afterward and get one still. Ugh...communication is a wonderful thing when it works properly.

So Ethel was talking a bit more last night and it looks like the follicle was already starting to collapse which is a "good" think I guess...it was starting the ovulation process...the follicle was down to 23 mm. Not sure if that's really a good thing or not. I don't know. I'm not the medical professional. IUI went bout normal and fine. Went and got my shot and gave it to myself and then went to lunch. The shot always takes a couple of hours to kick in...Ethel is now spazzing a bit...she's being forced to give up the follicle faster than she normally would. My ovaries are lazy...well it's not that they don't have a work ethic or anything...they just...they do what they are told and evidently cos of my insulin resistance, the brain never gets told to make enough estrogen to make them work on a clock. The human body is so freaking complicated.

We had a really awesome evening with my parents. They came into town last night and braved it out at the lake for the night so that they could take us out to dinner. Next time they come in the slide in camper, they can just stay in our driveway. Much better facilities. But we made it out to OutBack and had some yummy yummy food. The waiter was a bit weird and forgot to ask us if we wanted dessert...cos of course I did...so we went out and tried a newish yogurt place in town...Spoons...it was AWESOME! All different kinds of non-fat yogurt and some sorbets and fresh fruit...like a buffet style...grab a bowl, get your yogurt, get your toppings, weigh it at the end and pay. Who would have thunk it was a good idea? YUMMY! They had a double stuffed oreo yogurt that just...mmmmmmmm...

We get to go into Houston this weekend. Got my oldest niece's birthday to celebrate. Think she's gonna go gaga for the present we got her. Least that's what my brother and my mother tell me. I don't get to spend enough time with them to really know what they are into. This year I didn't get around to be the crazy Aunt Audrey who sews her stuff. Maybe next year. I also get to go and visit with my Nikky. We'll see if she's still home or cranking out her little one. It's not looking favorable on the baby being born front yet so who knows. Guess it would make the visit more enjoyable if I'm not in a hospital and she's not yelling in L&D. lol I'm hoping she'll go gaga for her gift too...maybe I'll even get my birthday present...I did leave hints...and I'm subtle like a boot to the head...but who knows. Then I think I get to take a chair off her hands and that's exciting for me! After that, we may go visit some friends in Montgomery...who knows if they even recall that plan...I need to check in with them.

Guess that's it for now. Just gotta figure out distractions for the remainder of the month...twiddling my thumbs don't count.

CD16 - Well Ethel Lives...

So this morning I still really have nadda on my ovulation test. Still defeated. A very very faint line. Yes this IS what my brain works overtime on...what my life revolves around. So we go to the Doc this morning...do a scan...and low and behold, Ethel has been working. She kind of was talking to me this morning but it was really a low whisper. But OK...got a 26mm follicle over in Ethel and a 11.5mm lining so far. He had me go do a Estrogen blood test to see what level that was on to see the "quality" of the follicle. I don't know what to do with that...cos evidently my estrogen levels are still low. He doesn't want to do a pop out shot today. Our plan right now is that tomorrow morning I test...if it's negative, I call in, they call into the lab and we do another blood test and go from there. If it's positive, I go straight to the Dr with a sample and do another scan to see where we are and then maybe a shot and all that jazz...I don't know.

Tomorrow I need to ask him what the Hell I need to do to boost my estrogen levels...I'm taking meds to force my ovaries to grow follicles and to release them, sometimes he helps with the shot. I'm taking meds to work on my insulin resistance...can I take another med to boost my estrogen to give me better quality follicles? Damnit...I just want a baby...millions of people do this every day without having to know all this crap...why oh why am I so freaking lucky???

Anyways...nothing I can do for now...will see what the morning brings and go from there. Sorry boss...gonna be late again this week. It's been a crazy week to say the least.

Folks are in town...going to pick them up from their camp ground spot as soon as I get done here at work...I'm thinking OutBack...it's been a LONG time since I've been there. I don't know...ugh...off to finish dealing with crap from this hearing from Hell I had this morning. This student has been a pain in my ass...lol...hopefully I never have to see her again.

I'm out...

CD15 - Happy Birthday to me

So today is my birthday. Going to the Dr tomorrow to see if this cycle is even a go. I'm feeling really defeated lately but I'm trying very hard to have a better day today. Granted...it's flooding all around today but least the rain has stopped for now. My good friend, Azure, surprised me this morning at work with a wonderful bouquet of flowers. I was shocked...but after yesterday's blog she didn't want me to be sad on my birthday. So I'm doing my best since she went out of her way in the flooding conditions to brighten my day to keep my day brightened.



So on the other front...I'm not sure what's going on with my girls. Neither Lucy or Ethel has spoken much at all in the last few days...tiny little twinges but nothing really to write home about. Yesterday on my Ovulation test, I had a very faint line...making me think things were gearing up...so I test again this morning...and nadda. I mean...nadda. So I'm very confused. Maybe I already ovulated and we've missed our chance to IUI this cycle. Maybe I'm just not ovulating strong this cycle. I should be ovulating tomorrow/Friday...that's the predicted time if you look over my last 4 months...so nadda...well...I can't do anything bout it so I'll test again in the morning and hope for better results. I'm not enjoying my increased metformin...blerg...seriously...makes me wanna blerg outta either end. Hate these meds. Personally I think they are worse than the hormones. And THAT...is saying a LOT...am I right Mikey? I am right...I know he agrees.

So I think I pulled myself outta my funk. Birthday helped some. Flowers helped some too...wearing my queen's crown helps too...Folks are delayed on coming to visit because the storms and flooding back home wreaked a bit of havoc for them so we're postponing it for Thursday now. Which is fine with me...more time for me to deliberate where I want to go to have the best dessert...hmmm...

CD14 - Month of distractions not helping completely...

So I had this grand plan for the month. I knew it would be hard to pull off...but I needed distractions for the entire month. We got through our annual birthday party and we had a blast. Had some really good peeps show up and we got to catch up and hang and just have fun and let loose.

I think I'm a lost cause because even though I was having fun and letting loose...I was still bringing up this stuff. I was still randomly getting weepy bout it. I made it through and was able to pull out of it each time but still...they shouldn't have even popped up. I just don't know how to get this stuff off my brain. It's too ever present for me just to hide it all.

Yesterday was Mikey's birthday. I did my best to make it his day...do all the things he wanted to do. I tried hard not to bring him down when I was down yesterday afternoon...but it still affected him. He worries bout me...I can't stop him from doing that...just like I couldn't stop my tears last night. I don't even know why I was crying. I shouldn't have had any kind of hormone flux yet. Coming soon but not yet. My Ov test this morning showed a very very faint line...may get to do my IUI Thursday or Friday I guess...I'm expecting another shot too...who knows. Right now neither Ethel or Lucy are really speaking to me. It really should be Ethel's turn...but they don't seem to listen to that kind of reasoning.

Maybe my moods are crappy cos of my metformin change...I don't know. I truly don't have a clue. I'm trying to adjust that slowly so I don't have the intense issues I had last time. I just can't seem to get out of the despair of my defeatism from this past failed cycle. It's to the point where I don't really feel I can turn back now, we've put too much time, stress, money, pain, and suffering into this whole process just to give up. And I still want to hold true to my little saying that "I ain't so afraid of losing something that I ain't gonna try to have it." But damn this is draining and hard. I think of just giving up and moving on...but I seriously don't have a clue how to do that. I don't know if I can...without constant medication that I don't want to be on...I just don't know anymore...

So tomorrow's my birthday and right now I can't even get truly excited for that. My folks are even coming into town to take us out to dinner for our birthdays and their anniversary since I was such a wonderful anniversary present to this 32 years ago...and I'm excited for that. I get to go to Houston this weekend to celebrate my niece's birthday on Saturday and then I get to track down Nikky...whether she's at home or at the hospital with her new bundle of joy...I have to spend some quality time with her if I can...we are way overdue. I'm pretty sure she doesn't think I love her anymore cos I haven't been able to be there for her like I want...cos I'm just not a strong enough person here lately. No matter how I try to explain it to her, I know she feels left out and like I'm abandoning her...and I can totally understand that thought process cos if the roles were reversed I'd be in that mind frame. I just won't wear any eye make up on Saturday...cos I know I'm gonna be a wreck regardless.

I guess that's it for now. Enough of an emotional dump for today...I gotta find a way to climb outta this hole...distractions are welcome...sooner rather than later...

CD9 - Future...

I just got off the phone with the doc...he's always so upbeat and positive sounding. I mentioned he had said that if my insulin was low enough, he'd try the "big gun" shot on me next cycle if it didn't work this cycle. So I got my numbers and yes I'm insulin resistant still but my glucose:insulin ratio is still in the lower side of normal. Glucose in the 80's both times now and Insulin down from 16 to 15.3 this go round. So I'm upping my metformin/glucophage. I really can tolerate 1000mg OK. Anything above that and ugh...intense stomach pain for a few days and then nausea and ravenously hungry...mostly for carbs. We'll see what I can do. I think I'm going to cut up 500mg pills and space em out. 500 is a lot to add at one time. Doc says that adding this 500 should do the trick to get my insulin down to 10. Ugh...if it was as easy as popping a pill I wouldn't bat an eye...but I've been through this sooo many times now with different doctors and PCOS. I'll give it a go again...why not. It's either this or give up...and I'm scared how close I am to that option.

I seriously look sometimes at my life...how I live...what I do...what my life consists of...and I like my life. I like being free of things that can hinder my plans...but then I look at my life long dream...having a child...and I say I don't mind giving the rest up...I will do anything in my power to make this happen. This journey has been a LONG one. And it's not even as long as some people have to deal with. Granted in total I haven't been preventing getting pregnant since we got married almost 8 years ago. We've only been under close Dr care for the last year and a half. But man that year and a half has been Hell. Month after month has gone by. Starting out things looks so good. Medication to "restart" my ovaries for 2 months and then 3 months in with Femara to induce ovulation and Bingo-Bango it worked. Then for whatever reason...it was gone. a couple of months to let my body recover and try to get back in a routine...and then ever since it's been an uphill battle and I can't stop from feeling like every cycle I lose ground. The past couple of months have gotten worse. And it makes me ponder and wonder WHY? Why am I doing this anymore. I'm a fighter and I'm determined but damnit...I'm running out of supplies. Moral is down. I feel like going AWOL but I don't feel I have that as a choice yet. AWOL means abandoning the entire fight to me...and I don't know how to do that.

I was talking with Nikky just the other day bout how much of a horrendous journey this has turned into. She was convinced, as I was, that it happened so quickly the first go round, it would be a cake walk the second time around. Boy were we ever wrong. after just the meds alone weren't really working...I thought for sure that the IUIs would on top of the meds make it a slam dunk. Of course we know where we are...next month will be hard again for me. Hell the rest of this month will be difficult. You try having the one and only failed pregnancy that you have had being told to you on the day Michael Jackson died...not like I can ever forget that date. Not like the media would even let me forget. I can't even hear his name without recalling how happy I was that day for such a completely different reason other than him. So regardless of how this cycle goes...how this IUI goes next week...whether or not I get pregnant this month...it's gonna be a rough one. And if I do manage to get pregnant this cycle...I'm gonna be paranoid as Hell that it'll follow in the last footsteps...ugh

See why I have been in need of distractions? In need of a good party for our birthdays to really be able to let loose and relax and just maybe enjoy life for a night? I need to enjoy myself and maybe not talk bout infertility for a night...I don't know. We'll see how it goes.

OK...in other news...carport is looking great! This rain recently is making me feel better and better bout our decision to use birthday cash for this gravel so my carport no longer floods every time it drizzles or storms. Plus the step up into the house is half what it used to be so YAY for my knees. Just gotta get everything back in and organized and looking at least decent. Mike has done an awesome job and has the blisters and sun burn to prove it. I'll be home tomorrow getting the inside cleaned and maybe even mow if it dries out enough by then...ugh to rain when I wanna have a party...

Oh and Ethel says Hi!...she's been whispering to me lately. She's not full on talking or screaming yet but I hope she can do a decent job this cycle and let Lucy rest...Lucy gets so mad and yells when she has to carry the load so much.

CD7 - Distractions

I love distractions...it's my birthday month. Going to work that for all I can. Getting the carport redone as we speak. Mike is laboring away all week on that project. yes I know I'm not doing it all myself, or really much at all of it. But it's a good home improvement thing we've been wanting to do and I'm supervising...from afar and from near to make sure it gets done in time for this weekend when we have our party. Who's coming? I'm not really even sure anymore. I don't think I care...I just need a night to relax, let loose and have fun.

It's on my mind quite a bit that I got pregnant last June...who's to say it can't happen again. Maybe the distraction of our birthdays lets me relax enough to actually allow it to happen. Maybe it was a fluke...who knows. Only time and patience will tell...cos I have so much of both of those...ugh.

OK....that's it for now.