CD 26 - Making it through...Seguin this weekend

6 more days of waiting...joy...least I'll be mostly too busy this weekend running around to think bout it right? I'm hoping...right now I just dread the mornings. I want to test...but I can't. I mean I can...I just can't keep seeing a negative...So I'm gonna try my best to hold off till at least next week...preferably Wednesday or so at least. We'll see how that goes.

So last night I just had to relax...no pool time...I just vegged and caught up on my stories...and neglected to watch my wrestling...boo hiss...I'll catch up on it on Sunday I guess.

I am freezing in this office...not sure why...it's 75 on the thermostat and I have a sweater on and a heater at my feet cos crazy me wore capris today...ugh...only 90ish outside today...I thought I could get away with them and my little cap sleeves...silly me. Grumble grumble...thinking of getting a blanket for my legs for next week...I won't look weird at all. Nahh...

So Spirit Pig gets to go on a road trip...after we get home, pack, bathe the terrors and Flash, load up and then ROAD TRIP! to Seguin. Going to visit the family, eat, and get quilt quilted...guess I said that already. I guess I don't have much new to report other than I'm frustrated and trying to find distractions and diversions. Of course I'm gonna try to hit the Bath & Body Works in Seguin...love that store...much better than our one in the mall and I need more stress relief stuff...I seem to go through it pretty fast...printing out my coupon just in case since I'm broke...who knows. Wondering if I can fit in some good protein from City Market too...hmmm...I can smell it...I can taste it...I'm always torn when I go home on where to eat...Dragon is my favorite so I'm never torn much but when it comes to BBQ...it's truly hard to beat City Market in Luling...We've recently discovered Dirty's Burgers out on 46 before Clear Springs...ooh...Clear Springs...damnit...I just ate...why am I craving all these places...cos I only get to eat them once every couple of months...There is Bill Miller's too...but then I get tricked into the sweet tea and that's just bad for me...lol...

You know...I wonder why I'm fat..there are too many tasty places to eat back home and I love food...I'm learning to respect food and to appreciate eating them without all the harmful processed parts...scale may be up a bit on Monday but I'm gonna try to be good...emphasis on *try*. Eating more of a primitive/raw diet...but I'm having my egg rolls and sweet sauce...you can't take those away from me. :) Nobody's egg rolls and sauce even comes close to comparing to Dragon...

OK...sufficiently ready to get on the road now...but I have to wait till 5 just to leave here...ugh

CD25 - Bad day overall but trying to turn it around...

OK...so I started it out bad...I made a poor decision...I took a test. I'm impatient OK? Very Impatient...so of course it's way too early and it was negative...It doesn't hurt anything but my pride and my sense of hope and all that...Then doing my make-up I dropped my blush container...yeah that was fun to clean up...ugh...

Then I get to work...and it's just an emotionally draining day. Hearing today was for the kid that flat out lied to me...but even her sappy story and crap was making me cry...this is not a good sign...here comes my pessimism...technically...a week after you ovulate, a woman's progesterone peaks in order to be ready to be ready to support a fertilized egg. If there is nothing for it to support, the progesterone drops drastically which in turn causes mood swings and crying...see why my pessimism is able to survive? Granted...increased levels can cause mood swings and crying too I guess...I don't know.

Ugh to it all. I had gone so long in my life...wondering why everyone always complained of PMS...I never had it...least not to this pronounced level...grrr...

On to other distractions...Pool was good again last night...really felt the burn and my arms were just noodles by the time I went to bed. Even played a game of volleyball...that was fun. Get to go to Seguin this weekend to see family and get Nikky's quilt quilted and eat Dragon...in no particular order of significance...OK we all know I'm in love with a Red Winged Flying beast that breathes fire...I do miss it terribly. Started thinking yesterday on what I could get when we go there. Mike said something to the effect of, thought we weren't going to eat there anymore and the thought of divorce flew by my mind's eye...just kidding but seriously...it's a holy place to me.

Speaking of food...was bad and had to go find a cup cake yesterday. We have this great new bakery in town that I've been meaning to go check out. They are the GREENhouse Bakery..have solar panels on the roof to run their equipment and they make everything from scratch. Had a Cookies 'N Cream Cupcake and Mike had a Peanut butter cup cheesecake...both were yummy and threw our non-processed sugar eating bodies for a loop but we've rebounded fine. Hell...on the scale this morning I'm almost under a number I've been fighting with for months...270.2...so close to getting under that dreaded 270...my next dreaded number will be 260...lol I know...I'm huge and fat...but I'm getting better. Beginning of this year I was weighing in closer to the 290 mark. so I'm happy bout this. Slowly but surely. Wow...was worried bout putting the digits out there but I'm surprisingly OK with it.

OK...I gotta go run an errand for work but I'm gonna start concentrating on what I'm ordering on Saturday if I can wait that long...mmm...Dragon...

CD24 - Super Sleepy...

So I got in the pool last night...the water was bout 86-87 degrees and it felt great. If I get back in tonight I'm gonna have to vacuum it...it was annoying me last night that there was stuff on the bottom...and then with working out...of course it all gets stirred up and starts floating into my face...but overall...it was a good time. Both my legs and arms are feeling the water resistance work I was doing so that's always a plus. Really wore me out and I thought I'd get some solid sleep so I didn't take any melatonin and of course slept like crap. Was awake at 4AM and that's not cool. Very lucid and crazy dreams but that's probably related to hormones...it was a week ago today that I had the IUI and always 7-8 days past Ovulation, there is a hormone spike...let's just cross our fingers that the spike doesn't bottom out...that would be bad...

So part of my dream was that I went to my Dr and he informed me that I would have a lot of back pain this time around due to my tilted uterus and just to expect it for the next 9 months and it'll be fine. It was so real and lucid that when I woke up I had to seriously remember that it had all been a dream...I hadn't been to the Dr in a week and of course he had not confirmed anything yet...it's still too early. I still have a week to wait and drive myself crazy during. I'll probably start testing in a few days cos I am just that impatient.

Other parts of my dream included me looking for a place to live because I was tired of sleeping on my friend's couch and they were needing the space...so I got a bead on a place that was on the upper level of a mall across from the quaint little coffee shop...so I go to check it out with a friend and he convinces me to have a cupcake...a $36 cupcake...been craving a good gourmet cupcake for a while now but I'm not spending $36 that's for sure. I don't even recall that I could taste it. Should have checked to see if I was missing any of my pillow...Another part had me looking for a place to store my Bass Clarinet case after I did some performance with the Aggie Band...Just remember walking round this building following people's instructions and ending up in a room that had nothing to do with band...all I can remember of that part...there was some other part but I can't fully recall it...it's getting foggy on me...

I don't put much stock in dreams...I know they are brought on my hormones or chemically induced from medications or drinking...not that I drink often at all...they are just weird...and they don't allow me to have a restful night's sleep. And I could really use a restful night's sleep...Where I can wake up refreshed and no zombie-like. That too much to ask?

OK...I go back to distracting my mind from what it wants to think about now...come on work and hulu...

CD23 - Ugh to the wait

So I'm waiting. I'm not the most patient and calm person but I'm trying. It's hard to shut off the brain when I truly need to. I'm getting random twinges that I'm trying not to read too much into. Been going on since Sunday-ish...could be the progesterone, could be tummy...but it seems like it's not tummy...so who knows. I won't be able to even check for a few more days...and even that would be a week early...so there is no point in doing that right? Right?

So Spirit Pig...I make sure he goes where ever I go. When we went to shoot pool Saturday night...he came along and chilling in my purse. When I'm sewing he's watching me...when I'm watching TV, he's watching me...when I'm asleep...you guessed it...he's snoozin and hogging the bed...oh wait...that's just Flash, my dachshund, SP is watching over me from my bedside. He's a good distraction and a good mascot. I'm going back to my pig obsession. I love Piggies. They are so darn cute! And hopefully helpful too!

I'm hoping to get in the pool this week. Last week I had the procedure and it's best not to swim following that and then we had some issues getting it clean and then just when we thought it was good it rained and then it turned greenish. Got that taken care of and then was really wanting to get in it last night when we got home from work and shopping...and BAM...big ole thunderstorm that lasted till after 10. I'm hoping tonight when I get home that all this bright sun shine has helped to warm it up and make it awesome so I can get in and relax, work out and maybe get in some volleyball...who knows. I miss the water so much. Soooo...crossing my fingers I can get home tonight and get in there and it's not too cold still and there are no thunderstorms popping up...

Dang these little twinges...can they please let me know what they mean? Sorry...was distracted but then it came back. They aren't cramps. I'm just acutely aware of my insides after so much poking and prodding and such. It really just feels like a random little tickle/pinch...I don't even want to fathom what it could be. Well I mean, I do fathom...my brain does subconsciously...I can't stop it damnit...I try...I really do. I just have to distract my mind...These are the days where I wish I had ADD or ADHD...and I could just flit from one thought to the next and never allow my brain to hyper-focus on any one pathway...damnit...why was I not cursed with such a wonderful affliction instead of being cursed with infertility...

I do good most days. I swear. I even held together pretty good when I last spoke to my Oma...she had a little minor surgery and I was calling to check on her...she had the nerve to check on me right back. I swear Oma...I wasn't looking for her to do that. But no, we of course went there and talking about pitter-patters of little feet and how that makes the world go round. Yes yes Oma...it does...Yes...yes...it will happen eventually...she knows it will. She is all powerful and all knowing so maybe she knows something I don't. We are going home this weekend so I'll get to go bug her for a few hours and probably end up crying...I always do. Cos that's the wreck I am lately...but I do my best to hold it in. Not doing a great job of it right now and I'm only blogging cos I have a student sitting in my office and this looks more like work than watching Castle on hulu...

OK. Think that's as far as I can go...Nikky's quilt is ready to take to the quilter this weekend and then I can truly finish it...you know...only to start another project. I'm very happy with this quilt. I love the fabrics, I love the colors, I love the design that I came up with. It's frustrating not going straight from a pattern but it's also a bit liberating. Guess that's all I can report today. I will continue to push off my concerns and thoughts I'm having over to Spirit Pig...maybe he can carry the load. He is made outta stone...maybe soon I'll have a big squish-able Spirit Pig that I can let my frustrations out on by squeezing it.

Toodles!

CD18 - Kind of moody today

I'm sure it's from the stress I'm not feeling and the coming down off the HCG shot...I'm just a bit moody and I wanna curl up and sleep all day...can't cos I'm at work and people would look at me funny on the couch in my office. So I don't. I have given up coffee for this week and next and whatnot...just precautionary cos I read that caffeine can hinder stuff right now. So I'm not able to get my usual pick me up...I'm doing my best to stay away from my diet cokes and my coke zeros...just my zen green tea and water...and I'm tired. I'm not sleeping well. Stupid hormones give me vivid dreams and even if I can't remember all of them, I just don't feel rested...Wow...I'm a whiny one today...

Spirit pig keeps following me around. It's OK...he's not stalking. He's just so cute and tiny I can't leave him home alone when I need him with me to do his job.

I'm trying to submerge myself in shows on hulu and comedy central to get me through the day...but then I have students coming in and phones ringing and people expect me to do my job...seriously? Really? LOL...fine...I guess...I was just grooving to Glee when the latest student came in to review her file. So I sit and blog while she's here. I'll probably be done before she leaves.

This job gets me thinking sometimes. So many parents think their child can do no wrong. They obviously are not to blame. And I wonder if I'll ever be like that or if I'll get the chance. I'd like to say that while I will love my child unconditionally, I will know they are human and can make mistakes, careless judgment calls which have them violating our sacred Honor code...I try to give everyone the benefit of the doubt when they come through this office. Usually I can read the kid and know if they are blatantly lying to me or not...this current kid, through me for a loop. Out right lied to me. Told our Investigators she did it, flat out, no blinking. Now she's coming to me like she didn't ever lie to me. I'm not the judge...I'm not supposed to care...but she point blank lied to me. I mean, she had no reason to. All I do is facilitate the process...Make the process of going through our Honor Council process as smooth as possible. And she lied to my face. Now she's going to blame her multitude of medications she's on for changing her character and causing her to cheat in 3 classes simultaneously. And I know our Honor Council will take that into consideration but it doesn't change the fact that she faked Doctors notes for multiple dates in 3 classes...OK...I'm off focusing on this cos it just irritates me...

So yeah...guess I'm a little testy today. Stupid hormone shot mixed with my already hormonal self with ovulation in general. OK. Breathing and going back to Glee...that will get me through til 3pm at least...then I have to get creative if no work has come in...

Oh...worked on the back of my quilt last night. Got the big center figured out and made...now I just have to build on that...but I have a game tonight...hopefully LeBron won't frustrate me too much. No pictures of the quilt now until it is delivered...which I have to get crackin on cos my Nikky is now on the dreaded bed rest...Gotta leave something as a surprise...

CD17 - IUI this morning and now the dreaded 2WW...ugh

Anyone got one of those time machine thingies...a big Blue police box that goes ? Anybody? No...damnit...I could use one right now. This is the hardest part of this process that goes on every month/cycle we try...Is it working? Will it take? What's going on in there? Hello?

Breathe in...Breathe out...not supposed to stress...stress produces bad chemicals that can only hinder things. Gotta be Easy-Breasy...roll with the punches and avoid the detours and day dreams. Yeah...that's a plan.

Soooooo...I have a dreaded 2 week wait ahead of me. More progesterone support...joy...all the fun of being pregnant without knowing if I am...ugh...I will survive...I always do. I wanted to write more but this week is busy and I got sidetracked by work. Least it made the afternoon fly by.

Got some more material so I can finish Ms Nikky's quilt...plan on heading home on the 22nd so I can get it quilted and then have it finished finished when I get down to Houston in June after our birthdays...Working on finishing my blue jean quilt too...still have to get something for batting...it's gonna be cute with all these little red buttons sewed in instead of actual quilting. Red Ribbon for binding...should be adorable.

Going to Roger Creager on Saturday at Wolf Penn free concert series. Should be a great time. Trying to get a group of peeps together...always more fun in a group...

Oh...and I have a Spirit Pig! We were in this Organic Food store and stumbled upon it and he screamed at me and I couldn't resist. He supposedly brings fertility, abundance and determination...plus...he's CUTE and a red head too...hehehe...Without further adieu...let me introduce...SP...Spirit Pig! He was there for all of today's festivities.

CD16 - Follicle scan done, IUI tomorrow...dreaded shot in

So OK...went in this morning for a follicle scan. Biggest we've seen yet...which explains the pains I've been getting. It's right at 30mm. (Mike said it looked like the size of my entire ovary. LOL) Just one...but one is better than none right? He went ahead and ordered me a HCG/Trigger shot to be sure I pop it out...We go in in the morning to do our 4th IUI. Endo lining is "beautiful" so says my doctor. I wanted to say that's nice...please make sure I don't see it on anything but the screen this month...but I stopped myself. He doesn't get my humor.

So we went and got the shot over the lunch and I gave it to myself in the bathroom. At no point in my life have I ever wanted to become a heroin addict...but this stuff reminds me that I never could. I hate giving myself shots...even with such a thin needle that I don't even feel it. I had a bit of a hot flash right before I injected it and had a vision of the needle breaking off it's so damn thin. I can give blood and I can get blood drawn...no problem...it's me doing it to myself that's hard as Hell for me to do. So...moral of this story...never will I become a heroin addict. :)

Trying not to be too pessimistic. Can't be too optimistic either...dangerous razor fence I straddle each month. Neither side of the fence is good for me. It's a delicate and dangerous balancing act.

So I made ti through the weekend. Mother's Day...not my favorite of holidays. I know I love my Mom and my Oma and all that jazz and appreciate them the entire year round. It's just a commercial holiday made up my the card companies and it's a good way to make people spend money...Don't get me wrong, I feel they need to have a day to be appreciated. Being a mom is hard work I hear...well so is trying to become one. So is going through the hope of becoming one, only to have it dashed with a miscarriage so you feel you will never be a mother. I obviously have some negative feelings bout the day...Technically...I should be a mother by now. I should have a 2-3 month old right bout now...but I don't. I'm still stuck trying. I actually only have a couple more months to try...evidently they will only do Femara for 6 cycles at a time and then I'd have to take a 3-4 month break or go directly to IVF...and I'm afraid to even find out how much that costs...cos I know I can't afford it.

And some have even tried to make me feel better bout Mother's Day for myself...that I'm a mother to all my animals...um...yes...I am Mom to them...but um...sorry. I don't think it compares. I didn't carry them in my womb, I didn't go through labor to deliver them, I didn't breast feed them, I didn't teach them right from wrong...I may have to change diapers on them and all that jazz cos they are morons, but seriously...they are animals. They are not my flesh & blood children. They are my fur & flea covered children. I know people mean well...but I'm a very difficult person to comfort or console or any of that...So I let them say their peace and I move on...as it slowly gnaws at me from the inside.

I did make some progress on my quilt this weekend...but now I'm really out of fabric and have to go in and try to find some more today...here's what I have so far...my most in depth design yet...guess it's for someone special...

CD11 - Outlooks and life

This week has been kind of rough. Started out boring and then all Hell broke loose...least that's how it felt. Computer got infected at work, had to have the computer guy come in and fix it and that's always embarrassing...there was some issues with my medication...but it all got worked out...eventually.

One this I've revisited in the past couple of days is how hard this whole process is...not just on me but on Mikey too. I may be the one being pumped with hormones and prodded and injected and put on display so often during the month...but he is there every step of the way. He also, and most importantly, has to put up with me and my crazy hormone induced moods that I can't seem to control some days. I know I drive him bonkers...I'm definitely not the same woman I used to be...that's for damn sure. But regardless...even when discussions get heated or we have misunderstandings because of a mood I can't seem to reign in...he's always there for me...and I owe him more than I can ever repay.
That being said...this process is driving me a bit crazy myself. I swear that at some undetermined time in the future...if it's ever deemed that we can't get pregnant...I will be able to survive...but maybe only with a complete hysterectomy. I know that seems rash and extreme...but this cycle of hope and despair is too difficult to live with for the rest of my life. If it's deemed to not be possible after we exhaust all of the options that are available to us and that we can afford...I don't want to be allowed that hope ever again. I want it out. I want the constant reminders gone. That is the only way I can make peace with the idea of this never working. I know I know...I am sure I need a shrink some days. But I think it's logical. My bad. I guess I'm an extremest...all or nothing kind of gal. I have just wanted this for too damn long and have gone through so much in our time battling this. I'm not ready to give up...not by a long shot...but I know that I'm not strong enough to keep up this pace for the rest of my biologically available time. Hell...I don't even know how many more rounds the Doctor is willing to let me go through. I've been on 10 cycles of Femara, 3 IUI's, 1 miscarriage...I know others go through a lot more and like I said...not quite ready to throw in the towel...

Bout to chop all my hair off soon too...it's getting too long and bothersome...I want to swim...and not have to worry bout all the tangles and such getting in my way. Last summer I had it chopped and it was so nice for swimming. I'll miss my long hair terribly...but it's a process. can't keep letting vanity stand in my way...it was cute short and straight...just not so cute short and curly...just gotta use my iron more. But in turn I get to use the pool more and get to work out more and hopefully accelerate the weight loss some more. We splurged on Sunday, can't remember if I put that in Monday's blog...well...I'm bout back down to where I was before the splurge...and I'm feeling good about the weight loss. With what we've learned bout my body and his during this process...through process of elimination, my weight is the next hurdle to tackle...and sadly it's slow go...but I know it can be done. We are now focusing and hopefully won't have any more splurges and I can keep up my chocolate cover strawberries and they won't backfire on me. So far so good. Gotta be able to still find something you enjoy in life to get ya through. And I am. :)

And on that note...I think I want to return to back in the day when things could be solved in a simpler way...I vow to bring this back...anytime you have a problem you think is too much to bear...hehe...this may help to at least knock it down a few notches...Care Bear Stare! Come on...you all remember it...well least you girls do. There's nothing we can't do if we join forces and bring the good to knock down the evil. :)

OK...no seriously...Care Bear STARE!

CD8 - Random blog for a random day

There isn't much going on today. Kind of dull to be our busy season...lol

We helped some friends move into their new home this weekend...I ended up in a room and painted Friday night and all day Saturday...you'd think I would have finished but alas I think it is still unfinished...hate that. :( But I sure painted 98% of the room...just a little bit of the door frame was left I believe...

I don't think the paint fumes really messed with my head much but I do think they screwed with my nasal cavity...making them raw and fresh to be attacked by the pollen again. It's like the beginning of the season all over again, trying to get used to that.

Not much on the TTC front right now...just sitting and waiting for next week...all I can do...lol...just taking my meds and being a good girl. We splurged a little food wise this weekend and I hope it doesn't hinder me too badly. Even stopped at Dairy Queen for a blizzard...one of my past favorite things in the world...yeah...couldn't even get through half of a small one. I say that's progress and to boot it messed with my tummy...So I learned I don't need that kind of treat. Gonna stick with my strawberries and chocolate. lol

Um...hormones went a little wonky this weekend...but that's the meds...we got home Saturday night from moving and painting all day...and something in me snapped and I couldn't reign it in. I tried. It was a rough night to say the least but I took a swig of NyQuil and was able to sleep. Last night was much better but I swear I couldn't sleep for anything. Tonight I got the Cavs playing and then the Spurs in the late game...looks like lack of sleep will continue a little bit longer. Least with LeBron and the Spurs playing on the same night, that means I get every other night off from watching and I can go to bed on time. I know...priorities are all a bit wonky in my world...but the playoffs is only once a year...even if it lasts for months. Getting some quilting done tonight during the games should be good. Really gotta get cranking this out but gotta take my time and such.

I guess that's enough random ramblings today. Like I said...not much going on round here. Waiting for the case load to start piling up with finals upon us here at A&M but so far I'm just getting phone calls bout possible cases.

CD4 - Google is a wonderful thing

I know I'm going to use some abbreviations that not everyone understands...I apologize for that. Google is a wonderful device though...lol

IUI (Inter-Uterine Insemination) - Sperm gets "washed" and dead ones are removed and the healthy ones are put into a protein solution and basically injected into the uterus through a catheter.

IF - Simply Infertility

TTC - Trying To Conceive

CD - Cycle Day

Femara - hormonal medication I take to force my broken system to ovulate

Trigger Shot (HCG shot) - what they give me when I should ovulate around Friday or Saturday but they don't work on weekends so we have to do an IUI on a Friday and that's the best chance to make sure I ovulate within the next 24-48 hours. (side note: shot itself doesn't hurt at ALL...the after effects bring me to my knees...and I can't walk without being hunched over for 3 days)

Hysterosonogram - Procedure to check out the uterine lining via saline being pumped into the uterus through another tortured catheter and an internal sonogram wand to check for any abnormalities. (this was done last month and man did that make my day a whole Hell of a lot of fun...)

Umm...can't think of any others at the moment but I'm sure I will and I will try to be better bout definitions.

So on another note...I was advising a friend yesterday that she needed to use her creativity as method for Therapy to get through life while we battle through this fight. I told her to draw, to paint, to sew, to arrange flowers, to cry when she needed to and to scream when she needed to as well.

I tried to take my own advice last night when I got home. I'm having issues working on my current quilt. I'm not good at making things all the right size evidently...so I'm having to redo a square...recut what I needed to and laid it out. Sewed it partially together and then I fizzled out. I really need to get it done. It's gonna be gorgeous. It's just the creative part is kind of out of it right now. I designed it. That was creative. I picked out the fabrics. That was creative and fun. Now it's down to mechanics and I hate mechanics. lol But alas I will get it done one way or another...gotta wrangle my Math Degree'd hubby's mind to work out my interior square deminsions cos I had to go and make it difficult on myself. Tonight I will hit it again and maybe get to that point as long as this square is better sized than the last one. lol Here is a pic of at least one of the squares...

Work is getting to the busy season and I'm hoping nothing gets scheduled on the morning I want to do my IUI...cos you know what...I'm doing an IUI...if I have to miss a hearing...so be it. It will get done. Helping some friend move into their first home that they bought this weekend. Think we are painting Friday evening and moving on Saturday. Gotta find some energy somewhere.

Guess that's all for today...toodles!