Can't I just go back and curl up in bed?

The weather probably isn't helping my mood any...I doubt we'll see any snow and what of it if we see it? I am tired and frustrated and not in the best mindsets today. I can't sleep cos I can't get comfortable...tests keep saying negative but everything else points the other way...but I can't change the tests...or get my hopes up...I'm simply frustrated and tired. I don't have the energy to care to try today. So limboland is where I live...frustrated, exhausted limboland...maybe it has purpose...maybe it doesn't...that is all I got today.

Irritated...please read and understand me well

OK...it's come to my attention...I know I put too much out there sometimes...too many little random tidbits bout what's going on in my life. Sometimes I might be a little vague because I don't want to bore everyone with the details...

PLEASE...If you have a question or concern about how I am doing, please just ask me directly. Don't go asking anyone else...who else knows what I'm feeling or thinking better than ME? I appreciate the concern...and I appreciate the interest...it let's me know you people care out there...but don't botheranyone else trying to see if "Audrey is alright?" or "Is everything is OK with Audrey?" I'm Audrey and I know if I'm OK or not and I'm happy to explain anything that you may have questions about. Talking and writing are my healing process.

Life is a crazy ride for me lately. I'm hoping it gets back on a good track soon. I think I'm on the right path. Yes, I get headaches randomly...hormones have been introduced into my body that have really never been there before the beginning of last year. I'm doing my damnedest to get used to em and my body is fighting me on that.

Mike and I are great. There are NO problems between us.

It's part of MY process to vent into the atmosphere bout myself...venting is part of a process that helps me to figure things out and to heal.

I'm just by nature an open person. I tell you what's on my mind. If I'm down, I say so...if I'm up...I say so. If someone asks me if I'm OK, I tell the freaking truth. I don't sugarcoat stuff. (Sugar is baaaaad...mmmKay?) This blog is set up so I have a place to vent. Therefore...I vent. Facebook and twitter updates have a limited space...so I vent, but I can only say so much. If it causes you to question my sanity or my well-being, send me a message or a text or I don't know...call me. :)

OK...stole this one...But totally worth it...hey, I cited and put it in quotes...LMAO

I was surfing for something as random as a cross stitch pattern online today...and stumbled on this gem from a blog of a woman who was going through the same exact thing I am currently. I read it and it brought me a sense of peace that I'm not the only one with these thoughts. She put it so much better than I think I could...so...here it is...granted...I'm not a big God follower, that's really our only difference...couldn't take it out cos I think it takes something from her statement.

"For myself, when someone tells me that it's God's plan, I can't help but feel insulted. Particularly when that person already has children. Apparently God's plan meant children for them, but none for me. Does God think I'd be a bad mother?
What about babies born to crack addicts? Was that God's plan?

My favorite was a woman on a message board who was fairly public about being "extremely fertile" but not liking children. She'd had more than 1 abortion, a miscarriage that she openly admitted was a relief and a son she often complained about not wanting. She told me that perhaps it was God's plan that I shouldn't have children.

I didn't bother to reply, though some people I feel forever indebted to suggested that if that were the case, it was clearly God's plan that she have multiple children and should get busy.

I sometimes feel bad when I tell people what NOT to say. I know they mean well. And being ignored or avoided is far worse than hearing the wrong thing. (Well, other than telling me God doesn't want me to have kids. If that's all you can come up with to say, feel free to shut the fuck up.) And often the reply I hear is "I don't know what to say." It's often accompanied by a sheepish look as they realize they've said the things I've just condemned.

For those, I offer this list:

I'm sorry.

I'm praying for you.

I will think good thoughts for you.

Can I do anything for you?

Would you like some company?

Would you like some time alone?

Want some ice cream?

How 'bout cookies?

I'm going to hug you now.

I love you.

Can I bring you anything?

I'll be right over.

I'm very sad for you.

Sometimes, all we want to hear is silence. Having you sit near us is great. I promise, we're not contagious. And if whatever we happen to be afflicted with IS contagious, you are excused from coming over. But try to call once in a while, okay?

I'll also include some of the highlights of what NOT to say. I don't think any blog about infertility is complete without one. Other than the above mentioned "reason" comment, here are a few common platitudes.

Everything happens for a reason.
Really? What reason is that?

It'll happen when the time is right.
Yep. Cause any time now would be the right time. I suppose this means nothing ever happens at the wrong time?

Just relax. (mix this with any suggestion of vacation or a trip, or a romantic dinner that all translate into "just relax.")
Probably the most hated phrase in all of infertility. Trust me, no matter HOW relaxed I am, my husband's sperm will not swim faster. As a matter of fact, there is some evidence that the boys respond to caffeine if consumed right before ejaculation. Relaxing will not make my eggs grow stronger, it will not increase my progesterone level. It won't regrow a missing ovary or fallopian tubes. And quite frankly- YOU relax! I'm pumped full of extra hormones and sitting in waiting rooms and being poked in my nether regions by doctors on a nearly weekly basis. You whine when you have to get a pap smear. Spare me.

Why don't you just adopt? / Have you thought about adoption?
This one is one of my favorites. I really like it. As much as it troubles me, I see it as in invitation to educate. That's when I roll out statistics like "for every white American baby up for adoption, there is an average of 40 couples vying for it." "Domestic adoption costs average about $25000 and can take years to bring a baby." "Foreign adoption costs even more and requires at least 1 and sometimes more lengthy stays in a foreign country. Nevermind the intrusion of home visits and interviews and paperwork."
Sometimes I think about saying "ADOPTION?! HOLY SHIT! WHY DIDN'T *I* THINK OF THAT? I'll stop trying to experience birthing a biological child and pregnancy right this instance. I'm a fool!"
OF COURSE, we've ALL thought about adoption. And I love the word "just." As though I can drive down to the local infant-mart and pre-order one. I'll take one with blonde hair and blue eyes. And I've always been fond of a dimple- yes- throw in a dimple. I'll be back to pick it up on Saturday. Thanks so much! Ta ta!
Yes, adoption might be in my future. Honestly, it might be in my future even if I am able to conceive and carry a biological child. I'm telling you that I'm trying to get pregnant. Did anyone try to talk you out of having a baby when you wanted one?

You can have mine!
Ahh, yes. I often say "okay." just as flatly and sincerely as possible. The mother usually looks confused as though I didn't get that they were joking. Then they get uncomfortable and explain "oh.. I'm just kidding. I wouldn't trade them for anything.. " to which I say "Yeah. If I could have one, I wouldn't either." I'm a bitch like that. When you say something assy, I like to make you feel like an ass. This goes along with "are you sure you really want one?" Huh. No. Now that you mention it, your kids really are some nasty brats. I better reconsider.

And last, but not least- Please.. for the love of all that is holy, do not try to tell me how to conceive.

I can't tell you how many times I, and other infertiles have heard some of the following:

"Are you guys having enough sex?"
"You know you should try the missionary position, it gets the sperm in there farther."
"Put your legs up after sex!"
"You know, Mary and Sue had been trying a while and they (insert sometimes not remotely related to fertility here) and boom, she was knocked up!"

Seriously, I'm telling you that I'm on fertility meds. I'm having a doctor inject my husband's sperm directly into my uterus. Do you SERIOUSLY believe that the missionary position is going to help? I've been at this a year. Do you think I've never tried putting my fucking legs up? And having enough sex? SERIOUSLY? ARE WE HAVING ENOUGH SEX? Jesus H Christ, WHY didn't I think of that? WE have to have SEX..... to get PREGNANT? Knock me over with a feather, we'll try that next month.
I realize you're just trying to be helpful, but please do not treat me like a moron. I'm literate. I had sex ed in school. I'm pretty sure I've got the basics.

I will never, for the life of me, understand why "I'm sorry" is so hard to say. We don't need you to fix it. You can't make it better. What you can do is be my friend. You can listen to me. You can try not to judge me. You can hug me when I cry. That's all I ask of you."
http://fertilehope.blogspot.com/2007_04_01_archive.html

Hope that helps some of y'all out there who don't know how to help us that are hurting adn going thru this fun filled process that most people don't seem to have to even think twice about...

Wow..6 months have passed huh?

OK...so yeah...the gym and me...I think we're thru. Yes we paid for an entire year and maybe used 2 months...and then Hell struck and we didn't go for 3 months...and then we go back one evening around Thanksgiving and it seems everyone is shocked for us to be back...then the holidays and the rush of people for new years resolutions...we were gonna go back last week and one afternoon after work, we even got to our pre-workout Subway meal...and then and there decided...we were done...with the gym. It's too much to walk back into. It's too far out of our way. It's just too much.

This, by no means means we are giving up on losing weight and/or getting healthy again. We are doing a work out routine at home right now and getting our Gazelle out of the closet and getting back on Wii Fit and all that jazz. We still have our gym bags in the car for the off the wall chance we feel the need to go back and hit the gym before our membership is up. But I think if we go back to a gym, we're going to hit one that is more convenient for us. We loved the Dome...the people were awesome and the trainers were nice and we never really had a problem with anyone there. It's just on the SOUTH end of College Station and we live on the NORTH edge of Bryan and the county. I feel I have a better understanding from my time with a trainer of what machines to use and how to do my workouts if and when I step foot back in a gym.

I am not happy at my size and yes it's probably holding me back from getting pregnant again. We are working on this. We will get there. We are back on portion control and I feel it working. We are going to a new doc starting this next month and I feel confident we can make something happen. Confidence is key and so is healthy living. :) I'll try to continue to keep track of my progress on here and see how that goes... :)

Till later...or if you have suggestions or ideas...please let me know.

Good thing I let gym slide

It was a really good thing this weekend that I let the gym slide on Wednesday and Thursday...I evidently needed to save up my energy for moving my best friend in Houston...that and my migraine was only getting worse at the gym. But yeah...did a LOT of walking and heavy lifting and moving and rearranging and unpacking of wet boxes of books and DVD's and CD's and and and and and...UGH! OK...so I had a Migraine that came and went...I was lucky that when the time came and I was in a major rush to get stuff outta wet boxes yesterday I was able to get it done cos my medication finally helped alleviate the pain...But anyways...we got all their stuff in a apt now...wish I could help with the organization and such...but that's too far of a drive to do that...oh well...I'm sore as Hell today and taking the day off the gym...we're hitting it again tomorrow.

Was bad at lunch but it felt so good...mmm Stover Boys! lol :)

Gym was decent last night

We hit the gym last night and I did a full hour on cardio...felt good but exhausted my legs...lol...half hour on elliptical and half hour on treadmill...burned bout 600 calories...I was satisfied...we'll go back tomorrow most likely and I'll get some cardio plus weights in...least that's the plan.

Tonight I'm going home, getting some mowing done and then gonna cool down and relax in the pool...maybe play some volleyball...anyone want in? I just need to veg but be productive...lol FML sometimes, ya know. But hey...least stuff is getting done and I keep moving. Long as I don't have huge bowls of ice cream each night and watch the rest of my diet...weight should start coming off again...oh I have to back down on chippies too...hmmm...means I have to cut down on something else too...oh well...need to anyways.

So that's my day in a nut shell...eating a yummy fit bar right now...hungry and out of other snacks...and stuck at work till 5...Will report again after we hit the gym again...least I'll try.

OK...Getting back on track and back to normal...whatever that is

OK...I have been gone from here for way too long. Problem was I had a lot going on in the personal world. Late June we got awesome news...we had managed to get me pregnant. I was shocked and excited and scared because I knew with as hard as it was to get there...I knew how high risk it was...So I knew I couldn't blog cos I'd let it slip that I was and the slew of happy wishes and thoughts would come in and too many people would know and it was way too early to tell anyone. It's a good thing I didn't...cos as my luck would have it...mid July, at round 7 weeks into all the fun...I miscarried. We don't know why. We aren't blaming anything and that is sometimes the hardest thing. If I had one thing I could blame, I could avoid that and make sure the next one goes smooth. But obviously sometimes, shit just happens. So understandably, I have been at a loss for many words and I've been fighting to get back to normal, whatever that was...

*Just adding a note...I am not writing this blog for pity or sympathy or any condolences...none of that really ever helps me. I know I am a horrible person to console. I am writing this blog for me and to explain my actions of late if I have been despondent or just MIA or vague in my answers to if I am OK...I know my status updates have been oddly cryptic at times...*

OK...so here we are...I just bared my soul...wasn't sure I could do that to the Web but hey that's life...OK...so where do we go from here...I am back at the gym and I am back at the Dr's this week to start again. I might have put on a bit of weight from my recovery time...emotional eating and all...but that combined with the complete lack of hunger some days...might have balanced out. Who knows. We hit the gym twice this past week and even went on a Friday evening. How's that for progress? We go back tonight and I'm hoping to make it 3 times this week but we will see where things take us. We also have the pool up and running again at home and it's all clean so I'm gonna get to hitting that in the evenings soon.

I'm trying to be more social again...It's just hard to predict what mood I will be in when. For the most part I am OK. I am dealing with this all the best I can. And my dealing is keeping my brain busy. If brain gets bored...thoughts come rolling in and I have to deal with em. I've always been a procrastinator so I like to put em off. I'm taking the only silver lining I can from this experience...At least it's possible and let's hope beyond hope that the next time works out better...cos this has got to be one of the HARDEST things I have had to deal with in my adult life. I am horrible at feeling weak and that's all I feel when I feel this loss. Dr told me in early July to be Cautiously Optimistic...how the Hell does one do that? I'm having to try to make that work in everyday life right now...but least I can do my best to get my eating and my working out back on track and the take control of my life again. Big girl panties on...check!

OK OK...it's been forever

OK...so it's has been a while for me in posting here. No I haven't given up. I'm still trucking along. Some weeks are good...some are worse...some we get to the gym once, some we get there 3 times...who knows. Our lives have been kind of busy lately with our birthday s but that has died down now so back to the grind.

We're heading back to the gym tonight. It'll be a week since we were there. Nikky has joined the gym and is working out with a trainer too so that's helping me still go. :) It's fun to help her out as well as get a good work out for myself. She's always fun to spend any time with...even when we're trying to kill ourselves.

I do need to get back in there...I kind of gorged on food the last few days...it's my birthday...what can I do? lol Chimichanga for lunch yesterday and sushi and Chinese last night...what can I do? Seriously? But Birthday are over and while it is still technically my birthday week and month...I'm going to forgo the usual laziness of June and get back into the swing of the gym. May even still go all next week while Mike's out of town. We will see...lol

Guess that's all I got for now...I'll try to keep posting more soon. I did get a lot of positive feedback this past weekend bout how I'm trimming up and such so that was awesome to hear. It's hard to notice when I see myself daily. Thanks for all the kind and positive words from those of you that I got them from! They mean a ton!

Kisses!

Still going strong

Sorry...I seem to have forgotten to update this thing. We were at the gym last week Wed, Thur and Friday nights. We had to take a break earlier in the week cos Mikey had a neck muscle pull and I didn't want him to re-injure it while on the muscle relaxers.

So I tend to be doing 30-45 minutes of cardio and then 30-45 minutes on the machines down stairs doing a variety of upper body, lower body and ab workouts. It's been fun. :) On Friday I stayed on Cardio cos I figured out SciFi was playing Serenity and that made me all shiny and happy so I stayed there for over an hour. :) Then we went over to Nikky's where I pigged out on veggie pizza. I know cos it's veggie does NOT make the pan crust healthy but sometimes you just gotta go with the flow.

Saturday I wanted to be productive but I just didn't have it in me after a LATE LATE night with friends. Plus there was rain moving in so I couldn't really mow...well the rain never hit us and I felt bad for not mowing...So on Sunday, after another late night with another friend visiting...I tackled the back yard. The rain in the recent weeks made half of the back a total bear to mow. I took a 5 hour Energy and kicked ass on the first 2/3rds of the back yard without a break. That other half...UGH...tried to kill me. But I muscled through it and got it done and even weed-eated. Great cardio work and leg work and forearm work. When you can't make it to the gym...make what you got your gym. :)

So we are hopefully back on schedule this week for the gym. Let's hope my hormones can stay in check this week and I can get through it. Nikky may just join the gym so that will help me out a ton! :) I'm really seeing the results with Mikey's bulking up phase. It is not overnight but he's getting there. :)

OK...that's it for now. I'll try another update with how I'm doing later on in the week.

Doing it on my own and it's going ok

OK...so I fired Wade...Fired is a harsh word but I have completely quit that track. We Went to the gym last night, forked over a ton of cash...well credit card cash...for a full year's paid in full membership for me and Mikey to the gym...then on top of that I got to pay for his 2.5 months of training with Wade. UGH...if that wasn't enough of a work out...least my pocket book is slimmer now...lol

I then went and worked on cardio. I did about 40 minutes up there, mostly on elliptical and some on treadmill. Then I struck out and hit the gym floor by myself. Mike was off working with Wade and I just wanted to do a little bit of machine work as well. I did some of my favorite arm machines and then even pulled in an ab work out. I didn't overdo it cos I was alone down there, and therefor I was a bit overwhelmed. I mean I know a lot of the machines but not all of them. I don't want to fall in a rut...I need a work out buddy for when Mike is training...I have a friend who I text on the phone but it's not quite the same...lol...Mike's making more friends than me in the gym so he's more likely to have a work out buddy...and he probably needs a good male work out buddy to help him pump the major iron...I'm not much of a spotter when it comes to weight I can't even lift myself. LMAO

So we go back Wednesday night cos Wade told him to not even come in today cos he worked him really hard last night and his muscles need to rest. So we'll see how it goes when it's the two of us on the floor. I know Mike needs to do other work outs that don't really include me but it's important that I'm there and trying. And that I don't allow myself to get too overwhelmed.

So...YAY! We have a year's membership paid...can't back down now! And I'm down to my lowest weight in a long time...I'm bout where I was close to 2 years ago now when I plateaued. I can't wait to shatter that and keep going down. Slowly but surely...slowly but surely. hehehe