OK...Getting back on track and back to normal...whatever that is

OK...I have been gone from here for way too long. Problem was I had a lot going on in the personal world. Late June we got awesome news...we had managed to get me pregnant. I was shocked and excited and scared because I knew with as hard as it was to get there...I knew how high risk it was...So I knew I couldn't blog cos I'd let it slip that I was and the slew of happy wishes and thoughts would come in and too many people would know and it was way too early to tell anyone. It's a good thing I didn't...cos as my luck would have it...mid July, at round 7 weeks into all the fun...I miscarried. We don't know why. We aren't blaming anything and that is sometimes the hardest thing. If I had one thing I could blame, I could avoid that and make sure the next one goes smooth. But obviously sometimes, shit just happens. So understandably, I have been at a loss for many words and I've been fighting to get back to normal, whatever that was...

*Just adding a note...I am not writing this blog for pity or sympathy or any condolences...none of that really ever helps me. I know I am a horrible person to console. I am writing this blog for me and to explain my actions of late if I have been despondent or just MIA or vague in my answers to if I am OK...I know my status updates have been oddly cryptic at times...*

OK...so here we are...I just bared my soul...wasn't sure I could do that to the Web but hey that's life...OK...so where do we go from here...I am back at the gym and I am back at the Dr's this week to start again. I might have put on a bit of weight from my recovery time...emotional eating and all...but that combined with the complete lack of hunger some days...might have balanced out. Who knows. We hit the gym twice this past week and even went on a Friday evening. How's that for progress? We go back tonight and I'm hoping to make it 3 times this week but we will see where things take us. We also have the pool up and running again at home and it's all clean so I'm gonna get to hitting that in the evenings soon.

I'm trying to be more social again...It's just hard to predict what mood I will be in when. For the most part I am OK. I am dealing with this all the best I can. And my dealing is keeping my brain busy. If brain gets bored...thoughts come rolling in and I have to deal with em. I've always been a procrastinator so I like to put em off. I'm taking the only silver lining I can from this experience...At least it's possible and let's hope beyond hope that the next time works out better...cos this has got to be one of the HARDEST things I have had to deal with in my adult life. I am horrible at feeling weak and that's all I feel when I feel this loss. Dr told me in early July to be Cautiously Optimistic...how the Hell does one do that? I'm having to try to make that work in everyday life right now...but least I can do my best to get my eating and my working out back on track and the take control of my life again. Big girl panties on...check!