Wow..6 months have passed huh?

OK...so yeah...the gym and me...I think we're thru. Yes we paid for an entire year and maybe used 2 months...and then Hell struck and we didn't go for 3 months...and then we go back one evening around Thanksgiving and it seems everyone is shocked for us to be back...then the holidays and the rush of people for new years resolutions...we were gonna go back last week and one afternoon after work, we even got to our pre-workout Subway meal...and then and there decided...we were done...with the gym. It's too much to walk back into. It's too far out of our way. It's just too much.

This, by no means means we are giving up on losing weight and/or getting healthy again. We are doing a work out routine at home right now and getting our Gazelle out of the closet and getting back on Wii Fit and all that jazz. We still have our gym bags in the car for the off the wall chance we feel the need to go back and hit the gym before our membership is up. But I think if we go back to a gym, we're going to hit one that is more convenient for us. We loved the Dome...the people were awesome and the trainers were nice and we never really had a problem with anyone there. It's just on the SOUTH end of College Station and we live on the NORTH edge of Bryan and the county. I feel I have a better understanding from my time with a trainer of what machines to use and how to do my workouts if and when I step foot back in a gym.

I am not happy at my size and yes it's probably holding me back from getting pregnant again. We are working on this. We will get there. We are back on portion control and I feel it working. We are going to a new doc starting this next month and I feel confident we can make something happen. Confidence is key and so is healthy living. :) I'll try to continue to keep track of my progress on here and see how that goes... :)

Till later...or if you have suggestions or ideas...please let me know.

Good thing I let gym slide

It was a really good thing this weekend that I let the gym slide on Wednesday and Thursday...I evidently needed to save up my energy for moving my best friend in Houston...that and my migraine was only getting worse at the gym. But yeah...did a LOT of walking and heavy lifting and moving and rearranging and unpacking of wet boxes of books and DVD's and CD's and and and and and...UGH! OK...so I had a Migraine that came and went...I was lucky that when the time came and I was in a major rush to get stuff outta wet boxes yesterday I was able to get it done cos my medication finally helped alleviate the pain...But anyways...we got all their stuff in a apt now...wish I could help with the organization and such...but that's too far of a drive to do that...oh well...I'm sore as Hell today and taking the day off the gym...we're hitting it again tomorrow.

Was bad at lunch but it felt so good...mmm Stover Boys! lol :)

Gym was decent last night

We hit the gym last night and I did a full hour on cardio...felt good but exhausted my legs...lol...half hour on elliptical and half hour on treadmill...burned bout 600 calories...I was satisfied...we'll go back tomorrow most likely and I'll get some cardio plus weights in...least that's the plan.

Tonight I'm going home, getting some mowing done and then gonna cool down and relax in the pool...maybe play some volleyball...anyone want in? I just need to veg but be productive...lol FML sometimes, ya know. But hey...least stuff is getting done and I keep moving. Long as I don't have huge bowls of ice cream each night and watch the rest of my diet...weight should start coming off again...oh I have to back down on chippies too...hmmm...means I have to cut down on something else too...oh well...need to anyways.

So that's my day in a nut shell...eating a yummy fit bar right now...hungry and out of other snacks...and stuck at work till 5...Will report again after we hit the gym again...least I'll try.

OK...Getting back on track and back to normal...whatever that is

OK...I have been gone from here for way too long. Problem was I had a lot going on in the personal world. Late June we got awesome news...we had managed to get me pregnant. I was shocked and excited and scared because I knew with as hard as it was to get there...I knew how high risk it was...So I knew I couldn't blog cos I'd let it slip that I was and the slew of happy wishes and thoughts would come in and too many people would know and it was way too early to tell anyone. It's a good thing I didn't...cos as my luck would have it...mid July, at round 7 weeks into all the fun...I miscarried. We don't know why. We aren't blaming anything and that is sometimes the hardest thing. If I had one thing I could blame, I could avoid that and make sure the next one goes smooth. But obviously sometimes, shit just happens. So understandably, I have been at a loss for many words and I've been fighting to get back to normal, whatever that was...

*Just adding a note...I am not writing this blog for pity or sympathy or any condolences...none of that really ever helps me. I know I am a horrible person to console. I am writing this blog for me and to explain my actions of late if I have been despondent or just MIA or vague in my answers to if I am OK...I know my status updates have been oddly cryptic at times...*

OK...so here we are...I just bared my soul...wasn't sure I could do that to the Web but hey that's life...OK...so where do we go from here...I am back at the gym and I am back at the Dr's this week to start again. I might have put on a bit of weight from my recovery time...emotional eating and all...but that combined with the complete lack of hunger some days...might have balanced out. Who knows. We hit the gym twice this past week and even went on a Friday evening. How's that for progress? We go back tonight and I'm hoping to make it 3 times this week but we will see where things take us. We also have the pool up and running again at home and it's all clean so I'm gonna get to hitting that in the evenings soon.

I'm trying to be more social again...It's just hard to predict what mood I will be in when. For the most part I am OK. I am dealing with this all the best I can. And my dealing is keeping my brain busy. If brain gets bored...thoughts come rolling in and I have to deal with em. I've always been a procrastinator so I like to put em off. I'm taking the only silver lining I can from this experience...At least it's possible and let's hope beyond hope that the next time works out better...cos this has got to be one of the HARDEST things I have had to deal with in my adult life. I am horrible at feeling weak and that's all I feel when I feel this loss. Dr told me in early July to be Cautiously Optimistic...how the Hell does one do that? I'm having to try to make that work in everyday life right now...but least I can do my best to get my eating and my working out back on track and the take control of my life again. Big girl panties on...check!

OK OK...it's been forever

OK...so it's has been a while for me in posting here. No I haven't given up. I'm still trucking along. Some weeks are good...some are worse...some we get to the gym once, some we get there 3 times...who knows. Our lives have been kind of busy lately with our birthday s but that has died down now so back to the grind.

We're heading back to the gym tonight. It'll be a week since we were there. Nikky has joined the gym and is working out with a trainer too so that's helping me still go. :) It's fun to help her out as well as get a good work out for myself. She's always fun to spend any time with...even when we're trying to kill ourselves.

I do need to get back in there...I kind of gorged on food the last few days...it's my birthday...what can I do? lol Chimichanga for lunch yesterday and sushi and Chinese last night...what can I do? Seriously? But Birthday are over and while it is still technically my birthday week and month...I'm going to forgo the usual laziness of June and get back into the swing of the gym. May even still go all next week while Mike's out of town. We will see...lol

Guess that's all I got for now...I'll try to keep posting more soon. I did get a lot of positive feedback this past weekend bout how I'm trimming up and such so that was awesome to hear. It's hard to notice when I see myself daily. Thanks for all the kind and positive words from those of you that I got them from! They mean a ton!

Kisses!

Still going strong

Sorry...I seem to have forgotten to update this thing. We were at the gym last week Wed, Thur and Friday nights. We had to take a break earlier in the week cos Mikey had a neck muscle pull and I didn't want him to re-injure it while on the muscle relaxers.

So I tend to be doing 30-45 minutes of cardio and then 30-45 minutes on the machines down stairs doing a variety of upper body, lower body and ab workouts. It's been fun. :) On Friday I stayed on Cardio cos I figured out SciFi was playing Serenity and that made me all shiny and happy so I stayed there for over an hour. :) Then we went over to Nikky's where I pigged out on veggie pizza. I know cos it's veggie does NOT make the pan crust healthy but sometimes you just gotta go with the flow.

Saturday I wanted to be productive but I just didn't have it in me after a LATE LATE night with friends. Plus there was rain moving in so I couldn't really mow...well the rain never hit us and I felt bad for not mowing...So on Sunday, after another late night with another friend visiting...I tackled the back yard. The rain in the recent weeks made half of the back a total bear to mow. I took a 5 hour Energy and kicked ass on the first 2/3rds of the back yard without a break. That other half...UGH...tried to kill me. But I muscled through it and got it done and even weed-eated. Great cardio work and leg work and forearm work. When you can't make it to the gym...make what you got your gym. :)

So we are hopefully back on schedule this week for the gym. Let's hope my hormones can stay in check this week and I can get through it. Nikky may just join the gym so that will help me out a ton! :) I'm really seeing the results with Mikey's bulking up phase. It is not overnight but he's getting there. :)

OK...that's it for now. I'll try another update with how I'm doing later on in the week.

Doing it on my own and it's going ok

OK...so I fired Wade...Fired is a harsh word but I have completely quit that track. We Went to the gym last night, forked over a ton of cash...well credit card cash...for a full year's paid in full membership for me and Mikey to the gym...then on top of that I got to pay for his 2.5 months of training with Wade. UGH...if that wasn't enough of a work out...least my pocket book is slimmer now...lol

I then went and worked on cardio. I did about 40 minutes up there, mostly on elliptical and some on treadmill. Then I struck out and hit the gym floor by myself. Mike was off working with Wade and I just wanted to do a little bit of machine work as well. I did some of my favorite arm machines and then even pulled in an ab work out. I didn't overdo it cos I was alone down there, and therefor I was a bit overwhelmed. I mean I know a lot of the machines but not all of them. I don't want to fall in a rut...I need a work out buddy for when Mike is training...I have a friend who I text on the phone but it's not quite the same...lol...Mike's making more friends than me in the gym so he's more likely to have a work out buddy...and he probably needs a good male work out buddy to help him pump the major iron...I'm not much of a spotter when it comes to weight I can't even lift myself. LMAO

So we go back Wednesday night cos Wade told him to not even come in today cos he worked him really hard last night and his muscles need to rest. So we'll see how it goes when it's the two of us on the floor. I know Mike needs to do other work outs that don't really include me but it's important that I'm there and trying. And that I don't allow myself to get too overwhelmed.

So...YAY! We have a year's membership paid...can't back down now! And I'm down to my lowest weight in a long time...I'm bout where I was close to 2 years ago now when I plateaued. I can't wait to shatter that and keep going down. Slowly but surely...slowly but surely. hehehe

Feel like a weight's been lifted off my shoulders

So...Went to the gym last night...first time in pretty much 2 weeks that I actually was feeling good and ready to work out. Got there and went upstairs and did my thing on the elliptical and some on the treadmill. The place was packed. It's the last week of the fitness challenge thing that I wasn't exactly selected for so all machines were busy. But I squeezed in on one and did my thing. Felt good to be back on the cardio equipment and only got to burn like 400 calories...but we got there kind of late.

Then comes the dread part. We had to go down to meet with Wade. I just don't have the heart to make that fun anymore. I tried. Wade started me off slow and I knew he knew better than to push me after me being gone for such a long time from the weight training part of working out. So I did wall squats with the big ball on my back...not too bad...my knee bitched a bit but I could deal. Then he brought out two step boxes on top of each other and wanted me to do some bounces or something...again...not too bad and did it without much complaint other than the need to hold onto the wall so I didn't lose my balance. This whole time he's off having Mike work specific muscles to keep up with his training.

Then, he has me do the Susan Summer's leg machines...they basically do the same thing as her little flaky device. There are two machines. One that works the outside muscles and one that does the inside muscles. The inside muscles machine was acting flaky and wouldn't' let me set the resistance. So there are pads that go on the inside of your knee and you have to get your knees to the furthest possible while not causing you pain position, set the resistance and then squeeze in,back out, in, back out. I've used this machine before. But this time I couldn't get it to set my resistance...so Wade comes over to assist. I tell him that that's as far back as my knees go...I'm in the machine...the little F*cker pushed them a bit more...and if you know me...my hips can be a big pain on me...I almost screamed out in pain cos OUCH! That I did not quit over. I pushed thru, just didn't ask him for his help anymore trying to set the damn thing.

Then he had me on a leg press/squat inclined machine. It was really quite easy but it was pushing it towards the end of a set...he tried to be slick and sneak in more weight. I stood my ground and said no...made him admit to adding more weight and remove it. I know...my bitchy-whiny side was really starting to come thru. But after the hip thing I was already a bit ticked off. So he removes the added weight and I finish out the second set. So, did I mention I'm up in this machine on a big incline...not the easiest to get in and out of. My face is sweating, my glasses are fogging...I ask for my towel. He says, No. He wants me to do another set first. I say if I have to get up to get it, I'm done. He still doesn't get it. he waits till I sit up and am half out to reach for it. I take the towel, grab my water bottle and tell him I'm done. I meant the machine at first, but I quickly decided, no...I was done with the workout for the day...least with him. I don't like to be bossed. I really hate it. I know I made a whiny-bitchy scene...and I don't really care.

Wade tried...he decided we'd move on to Abs...for some reason I like to do Abs...but no...I was done...I hopped on a treadmill and told him to continue on with Mike. I cranked the speed and the incline up and I just booked it for the next 15 minutes or so till they were done. A few minutes in on the treadmill he even came over to offer my headphones...but my stubborn-ness said I didn't need em. He left them there as a peace offering I guess...but I didn't touch em.

Now again...I will totally admit that I am a whiny-bitchy-princess who really likes things her way. If you know me, I'm not shy bout this fact. I don't like to be bossed. I don't like to be told No. I like to be in control. If you can call those faults, those are mine. I'm VERY stubborn and have to have things my way. I've never liked gyms and am usually totally intimidated by them.

I have gotten over my fear of the gym. I actually love to work out now (as long as I'm not a hormonal mess that breaks down in tears of frustration on the treadmill, but that's only one week of the month so far). I initially took to the trainer. I thought it was great. We had fun conversation, we got some good workouts. I needed that structure and instruction on what to work on and which machines do what. I got that now.

Mike will probably continue with Wade at least once a week...we're gonna figure out the cost involved tonight I guess, and I'm getting a membership for the "family" and we will still be going to the gym. I have not given up and I'm not stopping this journey. I see the big picture and I am still heading on that path. I just no longer care to have a guide. I got the basics and I have Mike to fall back on if I get lost or need support.

So Wade, not like you have the time in your busy life to read this...but it's not you...it's Me. Enjoy Mikey. :)

And I'm out!

UGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHH!

OK...so this week is going about how I expected it to go. It's my bad week hormonally due to my meds right now...If you are in the vicinity of my you know this means me crying for absolutely no freaking reason and then me getting pissed off that I can't control it, so I cry harder, dry up...rinse repeat. Hormones in general can be hard on a woman...but chemically induced hormones on a woman who is not really used to having any at all cos her cycle is so far out of whack...yeah...so my hormones are like an Indy race car to someone that barely knows how to drive. Very very frustrating.

So this week...Monday we took off from working out cos Mike's eye was bothering him pretty bad and I was thinking he'd have to go to the eye doc before the day was through and somehow I think eyes are important for the working out process so you don't get hit or trip over a busy gym. So we canceled and postponed Monday's workout to Tuesday. Not that either of us liked the idea of 3 back to back workouts.

Tuesday...I really shouldn't have gotten out of bed. I knew from the get-go that it was gonna be a bad day. But I had certain things I knew I had to take care of at work yesterday so we came in. Hormones ebbed and flowed all day...just had me in a generally depressed state of mind. By the end of the day I was feeling better and thought I could proceed with working out. We hit Subway for our pre-workout meal and then hit the gym. And I was fine...I thought. Got on a treadmill and didn't even last 20 minutes...I could feel the stupid tears for no reason creeping up on me and I knew I wouldn't be able to stop em. So I told Mike I would be back at 8 to get him but I had to leave. I went and hung out at Nikky's and we chatted and cried and I wasn't forced to hide myself in a bathroom stall to avoid all the concerned glances and questions at the gym. Poor JJ I know was confused why normally Happy Audrey was sitting on his couch crying one minute and laughing the next...he even stopped by to give me a hug to comfort me. That was sweet. So I left there and went and got Mike and we went home where I had to self medicate to get myself calm and not constantly weepy...I HATE weepy.

Today...it's Wednesday...who knows what the rest of the day will bring. I didn't want to get out of bed again this morning and I still say I should be in bed curled up with the blanket over my head and away from people today...but alas, I had more work I knew would have to get done today. So here I am...muddling my way through the day. I managed to not cry while meeting with a student and I'll call that a win...cos it was bubbling up under the surface...again...I just can't completely control this crap. I guess I can a little bit but just not completely.

I want to get back in the habit of working out. I don't want the last week I have with a trainer to be a cop-out week where I don't go at all. It may be how it goes but who knows. I tried to use this blog as a way to reach out to Wade so he'd maybe freaking understand me better but I guess he stopped reading. Mike said it didn't sound like he had taken the time to read it before last night. Oh well. So much for that helping. It does help for me to be able to just vent on here and know someone at least is reading it...even if it's not the trainer who needs to be reading it.

I guess that's it for my whiny report today. I think I'll just move this box and crawl under my desk for the afternoon...if you need me...that's where I'll be till 5.

Last night wasn't any fun

OK...I've mentioned before...I tend to like a bit of control in my life...and working out is no different. Last night I worked out...I went by myself cos Mike had to stay home and get some work done round the house. This blog is mostly so I can voice why I had an issue last night. The longer I stew about it the more annoyed I get. So it's time I do this and get it off my chest so I can go ahead and enjoy the rest of my weekend...lol....Party tomorrow night...Wooohooo! Hopefully we're doing dinner with Nikky and her fam tonight and playing some rockband...that's if they get back safely from Austin.

OK...so last night...I get there early of course to do my cardio workout. I did 45 on treadmill, 30 on Elliptical, and 10 again on Treadmill. Total of 750 calories burned. Go Me! (And I have contemplated maybe I'm doing too much prior to meeting with Wade and that's putting me in a pissy mood from the get-go with him...who knows...but with the time schedule...it's the only way we can really get the cardio in.)

So I thought I was feeling good. It's 7pm and I go to meet up with Wade. And I know he's probably a little concerned bout going one on one with me...and I get that...I come off gruff...so I think he tried to take the offensive and be positive and announce to me..."You are not allowed to quit today!" And to some that is inspiration and is challenging...to me...and my personality...it puts me on the defensive and makes me wanna go back to the locker room to get my shit and go. We bantered back and forth a bit and he whittled it down to He would like it if I didn't quit today. So I started off. Did an arm workout and then he wanted me to do step knee lifts on a step higher than I've done before...when I had to held onto the bar for support so I didn't fall...he looked on disapprovingly. I didn't do another set of those. I went back and did 2 more sets of the Arm things. We did some other stuff...I don't remember it all...my head was getting fuzzy cos I was still annoyed.

And yes...before you ask...I know his job is to train me and push me to get into shape. I just don't deal well with being pushed. Which is why it's taken me this long to get to the point where I am with a trainer and working out in a gym. And yes...I know that me not doing the workouts to his liking isn't hurting him...it's only hurting myself. I'm not a complete idiot.

We did have some decent conversation and I calmed down a bit. We talked bout how much fun Mikey was having and where he was planning on going with his workout and such. We even compared hunting stories and joked of his need to get a concealed gun license cos of crazies like me.

Well we get to the end of our time. He has me doing some arm and back exercise with a 15 pound bar...not heavy...but my back isn't tolerating to that great so I stop in the first set. I finish the set with a modified version of the exercise. Then it was holding the bar, one overhand grip, the other underhand, doing squats and rotating the bar when you come up. I did the left hand side first...barely was able to finish 8...then on to the right...at 4, my right bicep said I don't F*cking think so and I set the bar down. Sorry I listen very closely to my body. Wade tried very hard to make me finish that set...wasn't happening.I set the bar down on it's end and when he wouldn't stop trying to make me finish I took my hand off the bar...now I did not mean for it to head in his direction but it did...luckily he has fast reflexes otherwise that might have hurt him pretty bad...it would have hit right in the jewels. after he caught it and had the look of shock and was saying..."What if I hadn't caught that, Audrey?" over and over...I laughed very heartily. I know...I'm an awful person isn't a valid cop-out but I was done for the night.

I couldn't take anymore. He put me on the offensive from the start, he at one point "Shhh'd" me...and all the disapproving looks and comments...I was done. I signed my name on his done sheet and left. As I drove home I just got angrier. Isn't working out supposed to give you feel good endorphins? Somedays it does for me...others...it makes me a very ticked off woman. Maybe it's hormones. I don't know. I was forced to self medicate to calm myself down when I got home.

So long story short...I don't do well at being put on the defensive, telling me I can't do something is not a good approach to make me productive, & I did NOT have a fun time last night. We'll see how Monday goes. I may just let Mike finish out our paid for spots and just do cardio while he does or go hang with Nikky...Last night really put a bad taste in my mouth...and maybe it's hormones and I'll be all hunky dory on Monday...who knows. I just hope Wade reads this so we don't have a repeat. It's just not in my personality to give in...it's just not.

And again...yes I know I'm whiny and special needs...but that doesn't seem to be changing anytime soon. And yes I know if I stop working out I'm only hurting myself...but there are other places to do my working out too... Last night was not fun...

OK...on to happy thoughts for tonight and the weekend!