CD15 - Happy Birthday to me

So today is my birthday. Going to the Dr tomorrow to see if this cycle is even a go. I'm feeling really defeated lately but I'm trying very hard to have a better day today. Granted...it's flooding all around today but least the rain has stopped for now. My good friend, Azure, surprised me this morning at work with a wonderful bouquet of flowers. I was shocked...but after yesterday's blog she didn't want me to be sad on my birthday. So I'm doing my best since she went out of her way in the flooding conditions to brighten my day to keep my day brightened.



So on the other front...I'm not sure what's going on with my girls. Neither Lucy or Ethel has spoken much at all in the last few days...tiny little twinges but nothing really to write home about. Yesterday on my Ovulation test, I had a very faint line...making me think things were gearing up...so I test again this morning...and nadda. I mean...nadda. So I'm very confused. Maybe I already ovulated and we've missed our chance to IUI this cycle. Maybe I'm just not ovulating strong this cycle. I should be ovulating tomorrow/Friday...that's the predicted time if you look over my last 4 months...so nadda...well...I can't do anything bout it so I'll test again in the morning and hope for better results. I'm not enjoying my increased metformin...blerg...seriously...makes me wanna blerg outta either end. Hate these meds. Personally I think they are worse than the hormones. And THAT...is saying a LOT...am I right Mikey? I am right...I know he agrees.

So I think I pulled myself outta my funk. Birthday helped some. Flowers helped some too...wearing my queen's crown helps too...Folks are delayed on coming to visit because the storms and flooding back home wreaked a bit of havoc for them so we're postponing it for Thursday now. Which is fine with me...more time for me to deliberate where I want to go to have the best dessert...hmmm...

CD14 - Month of distractions not helping completely...

So I had this grand plan for the month. I knew it would be hard to pull off...but I needed distractions for the entire month. We got through our annual birthday party and we had a blast. Had some really good peeps show up and we got to catch up and hang and just have fun and let loose.

I think I'm a lost cause because even though I was having fun and letting loose...I was still bringing up this stuff. I was still randomly getting weepy bout it. I made it through and was able to pull out of it each time but still...they shouldn't have even popped up. I just don't know how to get this stuff off my brain. It's too ever present for me just to hide it all.

Yesterday was Mikey's birthday. I did my best to make it his day...do all the things he wanted to do. I tried hard not to bring him down when I was down yesterday afternoon...but it still affected him. He worries bout me...I can't stop him from doing that...just like I couldn't stop my tears last night. I don't even know why I was crying. I shouldn't have had any kind of hormone flux yet. Coming soon but not yet. My Ov test this morning showed a very very faint line...may get to do my IUI Thursday or Friday I guess...I'm expecting another shot too...who knows. Right now neither Ethel or Lucy are really speaking to me. It really should be Ethel's turn...but they don't seem to listen to that kind of reasoning.

Maybe my moods are crappy cos of my metformin change...I don't know. I truly don't have a clue. I'm trying to adjust that slowly so I don't have the intense issues I had last time. I just can't seem to get out of the despair of my defeatism from this past failed cycle. It's to the point where I don't really feel I can turn back now, we've put too much time, stress, money, pain, and suffering into this whole process just to give up. And I still want to hold true to my little saying that "I ain't so afraid of losing something that I ain't gonna try to have it." But damn this is draining and hard. I think of just giving up and moving on...but I seriously don't have a clue how to do that. I don't know if I can...without constant medication that I don't want to be on...I just don't know anymore...

So tomorrow's my birthday and right now I can't even get truly excited for that. My folks are even coming into town to take us out to dinner for our birthdays and their anniversary since I was such a wonderful anniversary present to this 32 years ago...and I'm excited for that. I get to go to Houston this weekend to celebrate my niece's birthday on Saturday and then I get to track down Nikky...whether she's at home or at the hospital with her new bundle of joy...I have to spend some quality time with her if I can...we are way overdue. I'm pretty sure she doesn't think I love her anymore cos I haven't been able to be there for her like I want...cos I'm just not a strong enough person here lately. No matter how I try to explain it to her, I know she feels left out and like I'm abandoning her...and I can totally understand that thought process cos if the roles were reversed I'd be in that mind frame. I just won't wear any eye make up on Saturday...cos I know I'm gonna be a wreck regardless.

I guess that's it for now. Enough of an emotional dump for today...I gotta find a way to climb outta this hole...distractions are welcome...sooner rather than later...

CD9 - Future...

I just got off the phone with the doc...he's always so upbeat and positive sounding. I mentioned he had said that if my insulin was low enough, he'd try the "big gun" shot on me next cycle if it didn't work this cycle. So I got my numbers and yes I'm insulin resistant still but my glucose:insulin ratio is still in the lower side of normal. Glucose in the 80's both times now and Insulin down from 16 to 15.3 this go round. So I'm upping my metformin/glucophage. I really can tolerate 1000mg OK. Anything above that and ugh...intense stomach pain for a few days and then nausea and ravenously hungry...mostly for carbs. We'll see what I can do. I think I'm going to cut up 500mg pills and space em out. 500 is a lot to add at one time. Doc says that adding this 500 should do the trick to get my insulin down to 10. Ugh...if it was as easy as popping a pill I wouldn't bat an eye...but I've been through this sooo many times now with different doctors and PCOS. I'll give it a go again...why not. It's either this or give up...and I'm scared how close I am to that option.

I seriously look sometimes at my life...how I live...what I do...what my life consists of...and I like my life. I like being free of things that can hinder my plans...but then I look at my life long dream...having a child...and I say I don't mind giving the rest up...I will do anything in my power to make this happen. This journey has been a LONG one. And it's not even as long as some people have to deal with. Granted in total I haven't been preventing getting pregnant since we got married almost 8 years ago. We've only been under close Dr care for the last year and a half. But man that year and a half has been Hell. Month after month has gone by. Starting out things looks so good. Medication to "restart" my ovaries for 2 months and then 3 months in with Femara to induce ovulation and Bingo-Bango it worked. Then for whatever reason...it was gone. a couple of months to let my body recover and try to get back in a routine...and then ever since it's been an uphill battle and I can't stop from feeling like every cycle I lose ground. The past couple of months have gotten worse. And it makes me ponder and wonder WHY? Why am I doing this anymore. I'm a fighter and I'm determined but damnit...I'm running out of supplies. Moral is down. I feel like going AWOL but I don't feel I have that as a choice yet. AWOL means abandoning the entire fight to me...and I don't know how to do that.

I was talking with Nikky just the other day bout how much of a horrendous journey this has turned into. She was convinced, as I was, that it happened so quickly the first go round, it would be a cake walk the second time around. Boy were we ever wrong. after just the meds alone weren't really working...I thought for sure that the IUIs would on top of the meds make it a slam dunk. Of course we know where we are...next month will be hard again for me. Hell the rest of this month will be difficult. You try having the one and only failed pregnancy that you have had being told to you on the day Michael Jackson died...not like I can ever forget that date. Not like the media would even let me forget. I can't even hear his name without recalling how happy I was that day for such a completely different reason other than him. So regardless of how this cycle goes...how this IUI goes next week...whether or not I get pregnant this month...it's gonna be a rough one. And if I do manage to get pregnant this cycle...I'm gonna be paranoid as Hell that it'll follow in the last footsteps...ugh

See why I have been in need of distractions? In need of a good party for our birthdays to really be able to let loose and relax and just maybe enjoy life for a night? I need to enjoy myself and maybe not talk bout infertility for a night...I don't know. We'll see how it goes.

OK...in other news...carport is looking great! This rain recently is making me feel better and better bout our decision to use birthday cash for this gravel so my carport no longer floods every time it drizzles or storms. Plus the step up into the house is half what it used to be so YAY for my knees. Just gotta get everything back in and organized and looking at least decent. Mike has done an awesome job and has the blisters and sun burn to prove it. I'll be home tomorrow getting the inside cleaned and maybe even mow if it dries out enough by then...ugh to rain when I wanna have a party...

Oh and Ethel says Hi!...she's been whispering to me lately. She's not full on talking or screaming yet but I hope she can do a decent job this cycle and let Lucy rest...Lucy gets so mad and yells when she has to carry the load so much.

CD7 - Distractions

I love distractions...it's my birthday month. Going to work that for all I can. Getting the carport redone as we speak. Mike is laboring away all week on that project. yes I know I'm not doing it all myself, or really much at all of it. But it's a good home improvement thing we've been wanting to do and I'm supervising...from afar and from near to make sure it gets done in time for this weekend when we have our party. Who's coming? I'm not really even sure anymore. I don't think I care...I just need a night to relax, let loose and have fun.

It's on my mind quite a bit that I got pregnant last June...who's to say it can't happen again. Maybe the distraction of our birthdays lets me relax enough to actually allow it to happen. Maybe it was a fluke...who knows. Only time and patience will tell...cos I have so much of both of those...ugh.

OK....that's it for now.

CD3 - trying to regroup

I'm still tired and frustrated, I'm just trying to distract myself more right now. Cos when I don't distract myself I'm very close to just giving up the ghost. I feel like I'm throwing money onto a sinking ship and each month I just pile more and more on. It's not a problem I can throw money at and it fixes it...I wish it were that easy. Put a big bill in the vending machine and out pops an embryo that I can just pop on in. But instead it's a long drawn out, emotionally draining and exhausting process that seems to not give very positive results...I'm still a bit defeated.

Did a fasting insulin check this morning. Doc may want to up my metformin/Glucophage...I'm not looking forward to that. But I guess I have to give it another go if he says so. Last time when we got higher than where I am...all it seemed to do was make me insanely hungry and nauseous at the same time. With him at the time putting a big emphasis on me losing weight, I wasn't going for the ravenously hungry thing...cos I was only craving carbs. I'm losing weight cos I am cutting out carbs. We'll see what the results say. Cos if I can get my insulin low enough for him, next cycle, if this current one doesn't work, we can try the big guns...full on FSH shot. gonna be more and a larger possibility of multiple births...but right now I'm fine with that. Hell I'd love twins. I know I say that now but I truly think I'd be fine. They'll drive me batty for sure but I'll make due. That's if it even works.

I was joking with Nikky earlier...as well as I know my insides I should start naming them. lol Anyone got ideas for ovaries? Lucy and Ethel? Laurel & Hardy? (I know they aren't women's names but they are a pair...) I don't know. but I know each one very well lately and I just don't feel right calling them Lefty and Righty...so impersonal. The right one is definitely more the talker of the two. I hear from her a LOT more. Left is shy and hard to find. I know she has to work somewhat. When we were pregnant last year it came from the left side they said from the ultrasounds...I don't know

Coming up on the anniversary of actually getting pregnant. Maybe June is good for me. I can be distracted with it being our birthday month enough to be stress free...who knows...

Oh well...gotta figure something out sooner or later I guess. Let me know if anyone has ideas for names for the ladies...Hope everyone has a good and safe memorial day weekend!

CD1 - I no want to play anymore...

I'm fed up. I'm angry. I'm mad. I wanna scream. I already bawled till I couldn't breathe a couple of times this morning. Stayed home till noon. Wanted the whole day off but things are hectic and things have to get done in order to remain a grown up.

I'm just really sick and tired. I can't make a decision on where to go from here yet...cos right now I want to quit. This is such a painful process emotionally and physically and financially. Right now I wasted $300 that wasn't really mine. That's how it feels...I've wasted $1200 so far on IUI's that haven't worked. I'm drowning in debt...not free cash so it's really frustrating. I did all I could this month to relax and take it easy and not to stress. I technically have 2 more IUI's I can do...least according to my doc. Everything presents fine to him. Sperm look great, I had a beautiful lining again and a monster follicle. He's doing all he can. He can do everything but make the sperm go in the egg. All I can do is what I do to survive. I don't know. I'm not getting any younger...

Sorry...I should stop cos this isn't helping my mood currently. It's almost 5...and I can go home and try to relax some more. I'm debating on working on the hand stitching on Nikky's blanket so I can give it to her tomorrow when she comes to the office or putting it off...I'm a horrible friend but I'm not sure I can go and spend time with her this weekend right now. She's due to pop soon with a little girl and I'm very happy for her and excited and all that...but it's just too hard for me to be around. I don't know. I know she'd probably do it for me which makes me feel like such a horrible friend...Decisions are not my strong suit today.

OK...signing off and hopefully will be home and zoned out with something before I know it.

CD30 - Trying to get by...

So I'm on Day 30...nothing to get excited bout cos my cycle is a 31 or 32 dayer...I'm trying not to lose hope...I really am...I'm just not looking forward to Thursday. It's gonna be a Hellish day anyway due to this horrible annoying case I have a hearing for that day. And we all know how my mood is if I start...and that's when I'm expected to start...so...um...yeah...Thursday I may be "sick"...I know I won't be cos it's my case and I have to be here for it. I can't avoid being a grown up.

I had another negative test yesterday...I didn't test this morning. I just couldn't start out my day with another negative. I have a few more strip tests...I may do another in the morning. I have a digital one that's supposed to predict up to 5 days prior to a missed period...and I could take that one...but I can't handle the words coming up Not Pregnant...I just can't. I'm not cramping yet so that's good. I have analyzed my past few months of tracking and noticed some differences...don't know if they really mean anything yet...but I just have to sit and wait...I hate waiting.

I'm doing my best at waiting...keeping myself distracted...work has been very helpful with that and I mean that in a bad way. We are pretty busy right now and most of the cases involve people who are very head strong and stubborn. So we will see what that does for them.

Mikey got me the new Mario Galaxy 2 and we played for a few hours last night and got 5 stars...lol...they upped the difficulty a bit and my neck hurts from having to figure out all the planet's gravities...plus I just get tense...But it's a fun game and so far we're having fun. Tonight I want to get in the pool some and maybe get to work on finishing the Nikky quilt. All I got to do is sew the binding on and then hand stitch it in place...

Mom gave me some good ideas on a new crazy quilt and I may be trying to see what I can do on that soon...her's is looking really awesome. It has me intrigued...so alas another project to distract me.

I really felt the need to blog yesterday but I could barely find time to tend to my facebook pets so I didn't get to it. So I'm here today hoping it helps my mind to do a little bit of a data dump here so maybe it'll be off my mind...yeah right. It was worth a shot. Spirit Pig continues to travel with me. I even introduced him to my Oma this weekend. Had a bit of a break down talking with her on Saturday but what else is new. Love her to pieces but she of all people knows how to make me cry. It's not that she's doing it on purpose...We just have a connection and there are so many reasons that I cry around her. I guess I just feel safe there. I feel for Mike who has to sit through it.

OK...even typing that got me a little blurry eyed...crazy hormones lately. Again...not sure if it's me or the added hormones I'm taking...grumble grumble...exhausting process and all...least I'm sleeping better so that's a plus.

I guess that's it for a brain/emotion dump...and I have a Hearing about to start...fun fun times....ugh

CD 26 - Making it through...Seguin this weekend

6 more days of waiting...joy...least I'll be mostly too busy this weekend running around to think bout it right? I'm hoping...right now I just dread the mornings. I want to test...but I can't. I mean I can...I just can't keep seeing a negative...So I'm gonna try my best to hold off till at least next week...preferably Wednesday or so at least. We'll see how that goes.

So last night I just had to relax...no pool time...I just vegged and caught up on my stories...and neglected to watch my wrestling...boo hiss...I'll catch up on it on Sunday I guess.

I am freezing in this office...not sure why...it's 75 on the thermostat and I have a sweater on and a heater at my feet cos crazy me wore capris today...ugh...only 90ish outside today...I thought I could get away with them and my little cap sleeves...silly me. Grumble grumble...thinking of getting a blanket for my legs for next week...I won't look weird at all. Nahh...

So Spirit Pig gets to go on a road trip...after we get home, pack, bathe the terrors and Flash, load up and then ROAD TRIP! to Seguin. Going to visit the family, eat, and get quilt quilted...guess I said that already. I guess I don't have much new to report other than I'm frustrated and trying to find distractions and diversions. Of course I'm gonna try to hit the Bath & Body Works in Seguin...love that store...much better than our one in the mall and I need more stress relief stuff...I seem to go through it pretty fast...printing out my coupon just in case since I'm broke...who knows. Wondering if I can fit in some good protein from City Market too...hmmm...I can smell it...I can taste it...I'm always torn when I go home on where to eat...Dragon is my favorite so I'm never torn much but when it comes to BBQ...it's truly hard to beat City Market in Luling...We've recently discovered Dirty's Burgers out on 46 before Clear Springs...ooh...Clear Springs...damnit...I just ate...why am I craving all these places...cos I only get to eat them once every couple of months...There is Bill Miller's too...but then I get tricked into the sweet tea and that's just bad for me...lol...

You know...I wonder why I'm fat..there are too many tasty places to eat back home and I love food...I'm learning to respect food and to appreciate eating them without all the harmful processed parts...scale may be up a bit on Monday but I'm gonna try to be good...emphasis on *try*. Eating more of a primitive/raw diet...but I'm having my egg rolls and sweet sauce...you can't take those away from me. :) Nobody's egg rolls and sauce even comes close to comparing to Dragon...

OK...sufficiently ready to get on the road now...but I have to wait till 5 just to leave here...ugh

CD25 - Bad day overall but trying to turn it around...

OK...so I started it out bad...I made a poor decision...I took a test. I'm impatient OK? Very Impatient...so of course it's way too early and it was negative...It doesn't hurt anything but my pride and my sense of hope and all that...Then doing my make-up I dropped my blush container...yeah that was fun to clean up...ugh...

Then I get to work...and it's just an emotionally draining day. Hearing today was for the kid that flat out lied to me...but even her sappy story and crap was making me cry...this is not a good sign...here comes my pessimism...technically...a week after you ovulate, a woman's progesterone peaks in order to be ready to be ready to support a fertilized egg. If there is nothing for it to support, the progesterone drops drastically which in turn causes mood swings and crying...see why my pessimism is able to survive? Granted...increased levels can cause mood swings and crying too I guess...I don't know.

Ugh to it all. I had gone so long in my life...wondering why everyone always complained of PMS...I never had it...least not to this pronounced level...grrr...

On to other distractions...Pool was good again last night...really felt the burn and my arms were just noodles by the time I went to bed. Even played a game of volleyball...that was fun. Get to go to Seguin this weekend to see family and get Nikky's quilt quilted and eat Dragon...in no particular order of significance...OK we all know I'm in love with a Red Winged Flying beast that breathes fire...I do miss it terribly. Started thinking yesterday on what I could get when we go there. Mike said something to the effect of, thought we weren't going to eat there anymore and the thought of divorce flew by my mind's eye...just kidding but seriously...it's a holy place to me.

Speaking of food...was bad and had to go find a cup cake yesterday. We have this great new bakery in town that I've been meaning to go check out. They are the GREENhouse Bakery..have solar panels on the roof to run their equipment and they make everything from scratch. Had a Cookies 'N Cream Cupcake and Mike had a Peanut butter cup cheesecake...both were yummy and threw our non-processed sugar eating bodies for a loop but we've rebounded fine. Hell...on the scale this morning I'm almost under a number I've been fighting with for months...270.2...so close to getting under that dreaded 270...my next dreaded number will be 260...lol I know...I'm huge and fat...but I'm getting better. Beginning of this year I was weighing in closer to the 290 mark. so I'm happy bout this. Slowly but surely. Wow...was worried bout putting the digits out there but I'm surprisingly OK with it.

OK...I gotta go run an errand for work but I'm gonna start concentrating on what I'm ordering on Saturday if I can wait that long...mmm...Dragon...

CD24 - Super Sleepy...

So I got in the pool last night...the water was bout 86-87 degrees and it felt great. If I get back in tonight I'm gonna have to vacuum it...it was annoying me last night that there was stuff on the bottom...and then with working out...of course it all gets stirred up and starts floating into my face...but overall...it was a good time. Both my legs and arms are feeling the water resistance work I was doing so that's always a plus. Really wore me out and I thought I'd get some solid sleep so I didn't take any melatonin and of course slept like crap. Was awake at 4AM and that's not cool. Very lucid and crazy dreams but that's probably related to hormones...it was a week ago today that I had the IUI and always 7-8 days past Ovulation, there is a hormone spike...let's just cross our fingers that the spike doesn't bottom out...that would be bad...

So part of my dream was that I went to my Dr and he informed me that I would have a lot of back pain this time around due to my tilted uterus and just to expect it for the next 9 months and it'll be fine. It was so real and lucid that when I woke up I had to seriously remember that it had all been a dream...I hadn't been to the Dr in a week and of course he had not confirmed anything yet...it's still too early. I still have a week to wait and drive myself crazy during. I'll probably start testing in a few days cos I am just that impatient.

Other parts of my dream included me looking for a place to live because I was tired of sleeping on my friend's couch and they were needing the space...so I got a bead on a place that was on the upper level of a mall across from the quaint little coffee shop...so I go to check it out with a friend and he convinces me to have a cupcake...a $36 cupcake...been craving a good gourmet cupcake for a while now but I'm not spending $36 that's for sure. I don't even recall that I could taste it. Should have checked to see if I was missing any of my pillow...Another part had me looking for a place to store my Bass Clarinet case after I did some performance with the Aggie Band...Just remember walking round this building following people's instructions and ending up in a room that had nothing to do with band...all I can remember of that part...there was some other part but I can't fully recall it...it's getting foggy on me...

I don't put much stock in dreams...I know they are brought on my hormones or chemically induced from medications or drinking...not that I drink often at all...they are just weird...and they don't allow me to have a restful night's sleep. And I could really use a restful night's sleep...Where I can wake up refreshed and no zombie-like. That too much to ask?

OK...I go back to distracting my mind from what it wants to think about now...come on work and hulu...