CD8 - Random blog for a random day

There isn't much going on today. Kind of dull to be our busy season...lol

We helped some friends move into their new home this weekend...I ended up in a room and painted Friday night and all day Saturday...you'd think I would have finished but alas I think it is still unfinished...hate that. :( But I sure painted 98% of the room...just a little bit of the door frame was left I believe...

I don't think the paint fumes really messed with my head much but I do think they screwed with my nasal cavity...making them raw and fresh to be attacked by the pollen again. It's like the beginning of the season all over again, trying to get used to that.

Not much on the TTC front right now...just sitting and waiting for next week...all I can do...lol...just taking my meds and being a good girl. We splurged a little food wise this weekend and I hope it doesn't hinder me too badly. Even stopped at Dairy Queen for a blizzard...one of my past favorite things in the world...yeah...couldn't even get through half of a small one. I say that's progress and to boot it messed with my tummy...So I learned I don't need that kind of treat. Gonna stick with my strawberries and chocolate. lol

Um...hormones went a little wonky this weekend...but that's the meds...we got home Saturday night from moving and painting all day...and something in me snapped and I couldn't reign it in. I tried. It was a rough night to say the least but I took a swig of NyQuil and was able to sleep. Last night was much better but I swear I couldn't sleep for anything. Tonight I got the Cavs playing and then the Spurs in the late game...looks like lack of sleep will continue a little bit longer. Least with LeBron and the Spurs playing on the same night, that means I get every other night off from watching and I can go to bed on time. I know...priorities are all a bit wonky in my world...but the playoffs is only once a year...even if it lasts for months. Getting some quilting done tonight during the games should be good. Really gotta get cranking this out but gotta take my time and such.

I guess that's enough random ramblings today. Like I said...not much going on round here. Waiting for the case load to start piling up with finals upon us here at A&M but so far I'm just getting phone calls bout possible cases.

CD4 - Google is a wonderful thing

I know I'm going to use some abbreviations that not everyone understands...I apologize for that. Google is a wonderful device though...lol

IUI (Inter-Uterine Insemination) - Sperm gets "washed" and dead ones are removed and the healthy ones are put into a protein solution and basically injected into the uterus through a catheter.

IF - Simply Infertility

TTC - Trying To Conceive

CD - Cycle Day

Femara - hormonal medication I take to force my broken system to ovulate

Trigger Shot (HCG shot) - what they give me when I should ovulate around Friday or Saturday but they don't work on weekends so we have to do an IUI on a Friday and that's the best chance to make sure I ovulate within the next 24-48 hours. (side note: shot itself doesn't hurt at ALL...the after effects bring me to my knees...and I can't walk without being hunched over for 3 days)

Hysterosonogram - Procedure to check out the uterine lining via saline being pumped into the uterus through another tortured catheter and an internal sonogram wand to check for any abnormalities. (this was done last month and man did that make my day a whole Hell of a lot of fun...)

Umm...can't think of any others at the moment but I'm sure I will and I will try to be better bout definitions.

So on another note...I was advising a friend yesterday that she needed to use her creativity as method for Therapy to get through life while we battle through this fight. I told her to draw, to paint, to sew, to arrange flowers, to cry when she needed to and to scream when she needed to as well.

I tried to take my own advice last night when I got home. I'm having issues working on my current quilt. I'm not good at making things all the right size evidently...so I'm having to redo a square...recut what I needed to and laid it out. Sewed it partially together and then I fizzled out. I really need to get it done. It's gonna be gorgeous. It's just the creative part is kind of out of it right now. I designed it. That was creative. I picked out the fabrics. That was creative and fun. Now it's down to mechanics and I hate mechanics. lol But alas I will get it done one way or another...gotta wrangle my Math Degree'd hubby's mind to work out my interior square deminsions cos I had to go and make it difficult on myself. Tonight I will hit it again and maybe get to that point as long as this square is better sized than the last one. lol Here is a pic of at least one of the squares...

Work is getting to the busy season and I'm hoping nothing gets scheduled on the morning I want to do my IUI...cos you know what...I'm doing an IUI...if I have to miss a hearing...so be it. It will get done. Helping some friend move into their first home that they bought this weekend. Think we are painting Friday evening and moving on Saturday. Gotta find some energy somewhere.

Guess that's all for today...toodles!

Changes afloat around here, CD3

OK...it's been decided and I'm gonna try my best to keep up with it...The blog is now bout me trying to get pregnant and the Hellish journey it takes us on. I guess I've felt closeted bout all this. It's not that I'm not an open person and if you ask the right questions I won't tell you everything in way too many details that you'll only regret asking...but I don't know. I feel this gives me a voice. other women out there have found theirs in this fight. Now I'm making room for mine. I am Infertile with PCOS...hear me ROAR! LMAO

OK. First thing to know bout me is I can't get through life without a sense of humor. I can't get through this process only on despair. I have to find a happy medium and not be ashamed of when I need to vent and when I need to curl up and cry and when I want to beat my head against the wall or when I need to just scream!

Second thing to know is that this blog is not for the extremely squeamish. If you don't want to read bout the eccentricities of the human reproductive model in the Dr's office...then stop reading. Give up and move on. Cos I will talk bout dildo cam scans for cysts, for follicles, Intro-Uterine Insemination's (IUI's) and a host of other stuff. I'm not shy. I've had Doctor's and Interns look under the trunk and at this point...who cares anymore. I just want a damn child...a red headed one would be preferred...but at this point I'm not picky...there is always hair dye.

So here we go...a brief history...We've been trying to get pregnant since we got married in October of 2002. Just doing the regular married couple thing, thinking we'd have no trouble. End of 2008, we decided we might just need some assistance. Found a Doctor who I thought was great...started the whole process with him at the beginning of 2009. He put me on birth control to reset my system for 6 weeks and then started me on Femara...after 3 months on Femara, we managed to get pregnant and were overjoyed. That was short lived. At about 7.5 weeks i started spotting. Went to the Dr cos of course I was a bit scared. Had the worst internal ultrasound of my life, and by worst, I mean most painful...and saw a heartbeat...signs of life just fine. After a bit more of an extremely painful ultrasound...we left only to go home and miscarry. I'm not fighting the feeling anymore that I blame that horrible Dr...but I continue to go to him for the remainder of the year cos I was in denial. he had to put me on anti-depressants for about a month because I couldn't function. My world had been ripped away from me. We continued on with him for the remainder of 2009. No success and we seriously butted heads on who knew my body better...me or him.

I won and found a new doctor. I love my new Doctor so far. I'm still on Femara and we have had 3 cycles with IUI's. So far nothing has happened. What has happened is my wonderful hubby is on more vitamins and has totally improved everything on his end...and now it's just my body that won't time things right or get everything lined up properly. I'm crossing my fingers that the stars and charts and follicles will align properly this month in the middle of a week so we can get this to freaking work. Each IUI at my Doctor is $300. Not as bad as I feared but not cheap, especially when you are really focused on reducing your debt like we are. So finally I am allowing my wonderful and giving mother to help this month with a loan...that I will pay her back...see it's in writing...it'll have to happen this time.

Each IUI has been it's own interesting and mostly painful story. First was OK, but since it was the first things were rather sore. Second would have been fine but he had to give me a trigger shot to force ovulation because it was a Friday and my follicles hadn't popped yet...that had me where I couldn't walk straight for 3 days my abdomen was so tight. The 3rd was such a pain from the get-go because I was nuts and mentioned we thought some from the last IUI had trickled out...don't ever tell your doctor that if you go through this...cos then he basically left the speculum in, but allowed it to close on my cervix while I laid there and waited for 10-15 minutes...let that sink in...um...OUCH...I had trouble walking out of the office, much less drive home and lay down all day...finally he called me in some meds I could take for the pain. So I'm hoping this next round of IUI will not have any curve balls and nothing will be allowed to be clamped onto my cervix...I will kick him if he tries...

OK...now I have to say...I have a wonderful and supportive husband who loves me through all this craziness. He goes to every single Dr's appointment I go to, is in the room with me in the back with the doctor, Hell, he's his assistant half the time...I think we should be getting a discount. But regardless...he's my rock and I couldn't go through all this without him. I made sure and approved changing this blog over to this format with him before I went through with it. We have no secrets and we are an open book with each other.

So for this cycle...We are currently on Cycle Day 3. Went in for the Day 3 scan to check for cysts that could be blocking follicles...have my next appt for May 11th for a follicle scan unless I ovulate sooner than that. Hoping for an IUI on the 11th or 12th...and then the dreaded wait will begin.

Frustrated ranblings...

I just don't know if I have it in me anymore. I mean I know I do...it's just exhausting. My weight is coming down, little by little....and I have a wonderful loving husband who is very understanding...that's bout all I feel I have going for me right now.

I've been quiet on here as of late just cos I felt like if I said anything I'd jinx myself or add more stress...I am sick and tired of TTC and IF running my life. But if I stop everything, I lose a LOT of hope and such for my future and that's not good for my mindset. This is something that I want more than anything in the world. Something I've wanted for way too damn long.

I just need to vent...I'm tired. I'm jealous of all those who come at this so easily. Hell I'm jealous of those that it doesn't come to so easy but least it still comes to them. I can't even fathom going baby shopping for my best friend in the world...which is why she's getting a one of a kind quilt from me. Baby isles cause panic attacks in me. Baby and pregnancy announcements on FaceBook are bout to drive me crazy...sorry...but for those of you being "blessed" and wanting to share...I just block your updates. Somewhere I'm happy for ya...whether it's your 1st or your 5th...but damnit...can I not just have 1? Until that day...this is the only way to keep me somewhat sane.

I changed radio stations last week when they did a radiothon for Children's Miracle Network. Couldn't take it. I refuse to listen to the pregnant DJ that's on the station from 10-2...good thing I don't go to lunch often. I change the channel everything I hear a radio ad for my ex Dr who I blame for my loss...I was feeling like I was the only person that had these feelings of jealousy and and annoyance and hatred even...but a few clicks into the world of TTC blogs and I know I'm not. Hell, I was contemplating therapy to work through this...and for those that know me...know that's not an option I take lightly. I feel normal when I read those blogs. I cry...but I still feel normal. I don't seem to have anyone that I actually know know that is in my position. So I have to reach out and find it in strangers I'll never meet.

I feel my life is ruled by this. 2 weeks of knowing I'm not, followed by 2 weeks hoping with all I have that maybe this time will work...then rinse, cry, scream, beat a wall, repeat. I would take a break but damnit I'm not getting any younger and age is just adding to things. PCOS and my body just don't want to work right. I even get irrational thoughts of being so mad at my body for not cooperating...least I know they are irrational. When I think they are logical and deserved then we can worry bout my mindset. I know I'm rambling...

I had said last month that if this cycle didn't take, I was going to take a break from the doctors...least the procedures...for 6 months and focus on health and losing weight and still trying the old natural way...but I'm not sure I can...I don't know. I may have to take mom up on her offer of a loan to help us out. Hate the thought but we are working so hard to dig outta debt that this is setting us back majorly...and the past few months my timing has been off and fallen around a weekend...which sucks since my Dr doesn't work weekends...this cycle, things are predicted to fall in the middle of the week. Maybe, just maybe, that'll be what we need. Just perfecting the timing of the IUI and all will work. I mean I actually managed to get pregnant once before...why not now? Everything that has been checked doesn't show any signs to be in the way to hinder anything. My body is just broke...so is my heart right now.

I'm slowly pulling myself back up and getting ready to get back in the saddle...least the stirrups at the Dr office...haha...humor...it really does help me get through...I know I will get through somehow but until then...I vent. I bitch. I whine. I eat a few chocolate covered strawberries to get by. I dig out a little more hope from my hope chest...it's running low but I still seem some scraps. I cry a bit more and I look ahead. We'll see. That's all I can manage at this point...

Thanks for letting me vent interwebs...

ugh

OK...so there are plus and negatives about social media and me...I'm just too open of a damn person. Don't know where I got it from. People ask how I am lately or what's on my mind and they get an earful. I've been trying to not post so much lately bout what I'm going thru but Hell...sometimes I just can't stop myself. So here I am pouring more out there...

This month somehow seems rougher than the few before. I'm sick to death of the process, the emotional roller coaster, the physical stress and pain...ugh. Each cycle I have to pull myself out of the emotional trenches...plant some seeds of hope and keep tending to them but evidently I truly suck at gardening cos every cycle by the end, the seeds I planted are rotten and useless. This month with the procedure and the shot and all...it took me 3 days to physically recover and that wasn't even to 100%, that was just to a workable/walkable state. The financial and physical strain is wearing on me and we've only been with this doctor for 2 months. We've got it worked into the budget but damn our budget doesn't have much giving room at this point. I'm hoping he has a new plan of action or at least something that can give me hope. We will see him Monday morning.

It's hard to find the seeds of hope in my storage area...I think I'm running low. I don't have much hope for this coming month cos with the way things look on the calendar I'm not going to get to do anything I want to do this coming month cos of where stuff falls on days of the week and such. That frustrates me even more...Least we planned ahead with budget and when Mike will be gone at his folks...this just sucks. I can't explain it any other damn way. I'm mad. I'm sad. I'm exhausted. I'm drained. And to top it off I totally suck at being comforted. FML

Can't I just go back and curl up in bed?

The weather probably isn't helping my mood any...I doubt we'll see any snow and what of it if we see it? I am tired and frustrated and not in the best mindsets today. I can't sleep cos I can't get comfortable...tests keep saying negative but everything else points the other way...but I can't change the tests...or get my hopes up...I'm simply frustrated and tired. I don't have the energy to care to try today. So limboland is where I live...frustrated, exhausted limboland...maybe it has purpose...maybe it doesn't...that is all I got today.

Irritated...please read and understand me well

OK...it's come to my attention...I know I put too much out there sometimes...too many little random tidbits bout what's going on in my life. Sometimes I might be a little vague because I don't want to bore everyone with the details...

PLEASE...If you have a question or concern about how I am doing, please just ask me directly. Don't go asking anyone else...who else knows what I'm feeling or thinking better than ME? I appreciate the concern...and I appreciate the interest...it let's me know you people care out there...but don't botheranyone else trying to see if "Audrey is alright?" or "Is everything is OK with Audrey?" I'm Audrey and I know if I'm OK or not and I'm happy to explain anything that you may have questions about. Talking and writing are my healing process.

Life is a crazy ride for me lately. I'm hoping it gets back on a good track soon. I think I'm on the right path. Yes, I get headaches randomly...hormones have been introduced into my body that have really never been there before the beginning of last year. I'm doing my damnedest to get used to em and my body is fighting me on that.

Mike and I are great. There are NO problems between us.

It's part of MY process to vent into the atmosphere bout myself...venting is part of a process that helps me to figure things out and to heal.

I'm just by nature an open person. I tell you what's on my mind. If I'm down, I say so...if I'm up...I say so. If someone asks me if I'm OK, I tell the freaking truth. I don't sugarcoat stuff. (Sugar is baaaaad...mmmKay?) This blog is set up so I have a place to vent. Therefore...I vent. Facebook and twitter updates have a limited space...so I vent, but I can only say so much. If it causes you to question my sanity or my well-being, send me a message or a text or I don't know...call me. :)

OK...stole this one...But totally worth it...hey, I cited and put it in quotes...LMAO

I was surfing for something as random as a cross stitch pattern online today...and stumbled on this gem from a blog of a woman who was going through the same exact thing I am currently. I read it and it brought me a sense of peace that I'm not the only one with these thoughts. She put it so much better than I think I could...so...here it is...granted...I'm not a big God follower, that's really our only difference...couldn't take it out cos I think it takes something from her statement.

"For myself, when someone tells me that it's God's plan, I can't help but feel insulted. Particularly when that person already has children. Apparently God's plan meant children for them, but none for me. Does God think I'd be a bad mother?
What about babies born to crack addicts? Was that God's plan?

My favorite was a woman on a message board who was fairly public about being "extremely fertile" but not liking children. She'd had more than 1 abortion, a miscarriage that she openly admitted was a relief and a son she often complained about not wanting. She told me that perhaps it was God's plan that I shouldn't have children.

I didn't bother to reply, though some people I feel forever indebted to suggested that if that were the case, it was clearly God's plan that she have multiple children and should get busy.

I sometimes feel bad when I tell people what NOT to say. I know they mean well. And being ignored or avoided is far worse than hearing the wrong thing. (Well, other than telling me God doesn't want me to have kids. If that's all you can come up with to say, feel free to shut the fuck up.) And often the reply I hear is "I don't know what to say." It's often accompanied by a sheepish look as they realize they've said the things I've just condemned.

For those, I offer this list:

I'm sorry.

I'm praying for you.

I will think good thoughts for you.

Can I do anything for you?

Would you like some company?

Would you like some time alone?

Want some ice cream?

How 'bout cookies?

I'm going to hug you now.

I love you.

Can I bring you anything?

I'll be right over.

I'm very sad for you.

Sometimes, all we want to hear is silence. Having you sit near us is great. I promise, we're not contagious. And if whatever we happen to be afflicted with IS contagious, you are excused from coming over. But try to call once in a while, okay?

I'll also include some of the highlights of what NOT to say. I don't think any blog about infertility is complete without one. Other than the above mentioned "reason" comment, here are a few common platitudes.

Everything happens for a reason.
Really? What reason is that?

It'll happen when the time is right.
Yep. Cause any time now would be the right time. I suppose this means nothing ever happens at the wrong time?

Just relax. (mix this with any suggestion of vacation or a trip, or a romantic dinner that all translate into "just relax.")
Probably the most hated phrase in all of infertility. Trust me, no matter HOW relaxed I am, my husband's sperm will not swim faster. As a matter of fact, there is some evidence that the boys respond to caffeine if consumed right before ejaculation. Relaxing will not make my eggs grow stronger, it will not increase my progesterone level. It won't regrow a missing ovary or fallopian tubes. And quite frankly- YOU relax! I'm pumped full of extra hormones and sitting in waiting rooms and being poked in my nether regions by doctors on a nearly weekly basis. You whine when you have to get a pap smear. Spare me.

Why don't you just adopt? / Have you thought about adoption?
This one is one of my favorites. I really like it. As much as it troubles me, I see it as in invitation to educate. That's when I roll out statistics like "for every white American baby up for adoption, there is an average of 40 couples vying for it." "Domestic adoption costs average about $25000 and can take years to bring a baby." "Foreign adoption costs even more and requires at least 1 and sometimes more lengthy stays in a foreign country. Nevermind the intrusion of home visits and interviews and paperwork."
Sometimes I think about saying "ADOPTION?! HOLY SHIT! WHY DIDN'T *I* THINK OF THAT? I'll stop trying to experience birthing a biological child and pregnancy right this instance. I'm a fool!"
OF COURSE, we've ALL thought about adoption. And I love the word "just." As though I can drive down to the local infant-mart and pre-order one. I'll take one with blonde hair and blue eyes. And I've always been fond of a dimple- yes- throw in a dimple. I'll be back to pick it up on Saturday. Thanks so much! Ta ta!
Yes, adoption might be in my future. Honestly, it might be in my future even if I am able to conceive and carry a biological child. I'm telling you that I'm trying to get pregnant. Did anyone try to talk you out of having a baby when you wanted one?

You can have mine!
Ahh, yes. I often say "okay." just as flatly and sincerely as possible. The mother usually looks confused as though I didn't get that they were joking. Then they get uncomfortable and explain "oh.. I'm just kidding. I wouldn't trade them for anything.. " to which I say "Yeah. If I could have one, I wouldn't either." I'm a bitch like that. When you say something assy, I like to make you feel like an ass. This goes along with "are you sure you really want one?" Huh. No. Now that you mention it, your kids really are some nasty brats. I better reconsider.

And last, but not least- Please.. for the love of all that is holy, do not try to tell me how to conceive.

I can't tell you how many times I, and other infertiles have heard some of the following:

"Are you guys having enough sex?"
"You know you should try the missionary position, it gets the sperm in there farther."
"Put your legs up after sex!"
"You know, Mary and Sue had been trying a while and they (insert sometimes not remotely related to fertility here) and boom, she was knocked up!"

Seriously, I'm telling you that I'm on fertility meds. I'm having a doctor inject my husband's sperm directly into my uterus. Do you SERIOUSLY believe that the missionary position is going to help? I've been at this a year. Do you think I've never tried putting my fucking legs up? And having enough sex? SERIOUSLY? ARE WE HAVING ENOUGH SEX? Jesus H Christ, WHY didn't I think of that? WE have to have SEX..... to get PREGNANT? Knock me over with a feather, we'll try that next month.
I realize you're just trying to be helpful, but please do not treat me like a moron. I'm literate. I had sex ed in school. I'm pretty sure I've got the basics.

I will never, for the life of me, understand why "I'm sorry" is so hard to say. We don't need you to fix it. You can't make it better. What you can do is be my friend. You can listen to me. You can try not to judge me. You can hug me when I cry. That's all I ask of you."
http://fertilehope.blogspot.com/2007_04_01_archive.html

Hope that helps some of y'all out there who don't know how to help us that are hurting adn going thru this fun filled process that most people don't seem to have to even think twice about...

Wow..6 months have passed huh?

OK...so yeah...the gym and me...I think we're thru. Yes we paid for an entire year and maybe used 2 months...and then Hell struck and we didn't go for 3 months...and then we go back one evening around Thanksgiving and it seems everyone is shocked for us to be back...then the holidays and the rush of people for new years resolutions...we were gonna go back last week and one afternoon after work, we even got to our pre-workout Subway meal...and then and there decided...we were done...with the gym. It's too much to walk back into. It's too far out of our way. It's just too much.

This, by no means means we are giving up on losing weight and/or getting healthy again. We are doing a work out routine at home right now and getting our Gazelle out of the closet and getting back on Wii Fit and all that jazz. We still have our gym bags in the car for the off the wall chance we feel the need to go back and hit the gym before our membership is up. But I think if we go back to a gym, we're going to hit one that is more convenient for us. We loved the Dome...the people were awesome and the trainers were nice and we never really had a problem with anyone there. It's just on the SOUTH end of College Station and we live on the NORTH edge of Bryan and the county. I feel I have a better understanding from my time with a trainer of what machines to use and how to do my workouts if and when I step foot back in a gym.

I am not happy at my size and yes it's probably holding me back from getting pregnant again. We are working on this. We will get there. We are back on portion control and I feel it working. We are going to a new doc starting this next month and I feel confident we can make something happen. Confidence is key and so is healthy living. :) I'll try to continue to keep track of my progress on here and see how that goes... :)

Till later...or if you have suggestions or ideas...please let me know.

Good thing I let gym slide

It was a really good thing this weekend that I let the gym slide on Wednesday and Thursday...I evidently needed to save up my energy for moving my best friend in Houston...that and my migraine was only getting worse at the gym. But yeah...did a LOT of walking and heavy lifting and moving and rearranging and unpacking of wet boxes of books and DVD's and CD's and and and and and...UGH! OK...so I had a Migraine that came and went...I was lucky that when the time came and I was in a major rush to get stuff outta wet boxes yesterday I was able to get it done cos my medication finally helped alleviate the pain...But anyways...we got all their stuff in a apt now...wish I could help with the organization and such...but that's too far of a drive to do that...oh well...I'm sore as Hell today and taking the day off the gym...we're hitting it again tomorrow.

Was bad at lunch but it felt so good...mmm Stover Boys! lol :)