CD90 - Well looky there...

Well, I've been chomping at the bit to do this blog for...I don't know...7 weeks now...but I've held off and held off...mostly we wanted to make sure we got through the 1st trimester, then Mike got sick and then I got sick and then we had the horrible week last week where I had to put down my baby Flash...had him since he was just a wee little thing...but I digress...

We are PREGNANT! Just bout to 13 weeks...Wednesday is our Happy Bun-Bun (Chinese year of the bunny and all) days...that's when we turn a week older. We are still too early on to know what we got working in there but we have our individual suspicions. Here is a pic in case you wanna see...or can even make out the little alien in there...
But YAY! I can finally announce it to the world since we feel reasonably safe at this point. Who knows what life will throw our way...but we are happy and excited and nauseous and hormonal and moody and all that good stuff.

Here is the first good pic we got of the little Bun-Bun taken back right around week 11...
I seem to like this shot best cos it's front on and it's waving...lol...We are set to be due towards the end of August...so yay for the horrible hot summer that I'm about to think is pure Hell...but I'll enjoy every moment I think...I hope...lol

So there we go...finally can include all the FaceBook friends and family into the circle that know. I'm sure it'll make all my crazy status updates make more sense now. :) Have an awesome day!

CD?? - A new start

Well so I screwed things up when I went off the pill early this past month but I just had to...just had to...really had no choice. Result is that we have no idea where we stand in the fact of where in a cycle I am. Went in to the Dr yesterday morning and we talked and he did his scan...cyst is gone so yay...even though he had a really difficult time locating Ethel...she's a shy girl...either that or she just likes to roam...or both really. Lining in my uterus was only 7mm so he didn't think I was getting to a point to start bleeding even...Hell I feel like I've spotted enough in the past two weeks to constitute a period almost...ugh

We talked about the stress that has been involved with the past IUI process...the money is most of the stress for me. Even if it's a loan that's a gift to me...it's still money...and nothing stresses me out more than money. I want to try these big guns he's proposed but that's adding another 450-500 bucks to the mix bringing the monthly tally up to a grand. I know it's not about the money...it's bout the chance to get pregnant...it doesn't matter how I look at it though...I see the money out as gambling cos there is nothing for sure in this process...and that's a huge stress on me. So I asked him if we could go back to the simpler method that would alleviate the major money stress for me and the cheaper method worked before, just didn't stick for whatever reason we want to blame it on. He's luckily agreed to do that with me.

I am back on Femara. He said now was as good a time to start as any since we have no idea where to put me on a cycle chart. (BTW - in case I hadn't mentioned it previously, I went off the birth control pills early because of the humongously negative effect it had on my moods and overall psyche. It got bad and I got smart and stopped them and the Dr is OK with this...just puts me in a weird chart place now...) I started the Femara last night which I normally would do on Day 3 so we could call this Day 4...since I haven't started I see myself as on Day 31...ugh...I know what days to take the femara and I know what days to start testing for ovulation...I guess that's all that counts.

Gonna go back to no advil, backing down on caffeine, watching my relaxation techniques...all the things I've done in the past but I'm gonna try not to stress...I'm only paying for co-pays (which I don't even know if he'll have me come in for measuring or not...) and the Femara...so that's as low as I can get my money out to get and I'm really OK with that.

On a non-me related issue...I know I'm amazed too...lol...all my good thoughts are going out to a friend who needs em right now. Still keeping my fingers crossed for her...she may have a rough road ahead of her but I'll be here for her either way it goes. Least I will do my best to do so. (See it still had something to do with me...hehe)

Guess that's it for today...

CD18 - WTF? I think I'm getting cheated

So...I'm on the pill this month...trying to reabsorb my cyst...regain some semblance of a life again as well...so starting a couple of days ago...I start spotting...only 11 pills into this pack. And yes it's very minor but seriously? I get to the point where I'm just getting home last night and I'm full on cramping...but nothing big or major on the bleeding front...It's stressing me out...so I call the Dr this morning...ask if it's normal. She makes sure I haven't skipped a pill...makes sure I'm taking at the same time everyday...yes and yes...OK...hold on for a bit...she comes back and says yep...all normal...I'm like seriously? I was promised at least another week and a half of a "break" for this month. Now things are getting a little heavier and I don't know WTF to think. I know there is nothing I can do about it. It is what it is...I'm just tired of my body not working the way it's expected to.

And as far as the cyst goes...I don't know...I still am getting my little pangs of pain over there...and now today they are pretty strong from Lucy too...I'm very close to throwing my hands up in the air...waving them like I just don't care and say yank it all out...I'm sick and tired of it all. Slap me into some hormone therapy and get me on some good anti-depressants and I'll live out the rest of my life in oblivion...can we make this work?

I've gotten no closer to finding the gray area between being under strict Dr care and meds and procedures to make this work & just giving up completely. Mike says we can get my PCOS under control. I just not seeing it. I'm tired...maybe that's clouding my judgment. I don't know...right now I just feel cheated of my month of no cares and no worries...ugh...FML

CD5 - Answers at least...

Well been meaning to get to this for the past couple of days but kind of glad I was lazy and waited cos at least now I have more answers. So Month #1 off...had a great month. No expectations, good test to show everything was clear and unblocked...was able to relax and enjoy life. Was able to breathe...it was really good. Then boom I start...now for once I actually had no hormone medication and I had a 28 day textbook length cycle...no expectations...so why was I too down to come to work on Tuesday? Stupid hormones. I think it's just that and that alone. Can't control it...but guess I'm going to have to figure a way to work it out...can't keep taking a day off just cos I'm bleeding. I'm 32...I've been bleeding for MANY years now...it's not a "take a day off from work" excuse. Ugh...

So we went back to the doctor yesterday afternoon. While we were waiting Mikey and I decided that truly, we were barely able to catch our breath in one month after 17 or so months straight of crazy...So we wanted another month off. Explain that to Dr and he's cool with that and decides not to even bother with a scan since we wouldn't be doing anything this month regardless. I mentioned what I noticed this month and that I felt a lot of pain round the time that I ovulate and thought maybe I had...that made him want to check. So he does a scan and sure enough...my left ovary worked to produce a follicle without the help of meds...problem is...that without the meds, it didn't finish the job and it never released. So I have a 25mm "cyst" in that ovary. Couldn't do anything fertility wise this month anyway with it in the way. So I'm going for a month of the pill to make it get reabsorbed...fun times...go back to him on the 21st of September to make sure it's gone and go from there.

So long story short...my body wants to work without meds, but I don't think it can complete a freaking job without the meds...So that's kind of disheartening in itself. Mike is tired of the doctor process...so am I. Neither of us want to have to do this till we die...that's just what it feels like. I'm going with this month break, then see what we can do...maybe do the big guns next cycle and if that don't work...then I don't know...just give up?

I really wish I could be a bystander in all this...not know what I know. They always say knowledge is power...but in this case, knowledge is my prison. I know TOO MUCH bout what every tweak means and what every part of my body seems to do. Hell, I just learned that all these random pains I've had over the years when I've moved funny and felt like I had a twisted gut for a brief intense pain...that was just the cysts in my ovaries from the follicles that never got the message to release. Haven't had that in a long while...cos I've been on the hormone medication for so long so I've had follicles releasing and not hanging around to reabsorb on their own. Stupid Poly Cystic Ovary Syndrome...really wish I never met you. I really try not to regret anything in life...everything is something to learn from, to grow from...but F-U PCOS...I wish I never had met you...you SUCK!

OK...I'll try to get outta my pity party and enjoy the next couple of weeks...with the help of the pill, I have NO expectations so maybe when I start again I won't end up home "sick" cos I can't face the world cos my body failed yet again...I think that's it for today...

CD11 - trying to get over being sick

So I'm not even supposed to care what day of this "cycle" I'm on...I'm not supposed to care...but I can't help it...I simply know. I had my HSG yesterday...wasn't nearly as bad as I had feared. It was uncomfy when they were inserting the tube and such but that's completely normal. Supposedly he inflated a balloon as a stopper in my uterus...didn't feel it. I guess I was smart to take the Darvocet about an hour before I went in. I rock. Procedure took no time at all really and was like I said...other than the initial bit, painless. I really could have come back in to work...but seeing as I was dealing with the Throat issue/Viral infection...I just went home to rest anyways...and you never know when the cramping was gonna hit like after the saline procedure...it never hit by the way.

So results of the procedure...everything is great and clear. Fallopian tubes are twisty and turny like they are supposed to be but they are free and clear there is nothing in the uterus that is showing up as an abnormality. Great! Things look awesome...now why the Hell is crap not working...lol...as I said yesterday to a few friends in a text update...Audrey's Mystery Science Theater continues...

My Dr will be so pleased that everything looks perfect again. He loves when everything looks perfect...I do too...just not so much when stuff still doesn't work. But who knows...

That's the update on that in case anybody was out there wondering. Still battling this stupid viral infection that's making me feel like I have Strep throat...again...if I just had tested positive for that, I could have had a damn shot and I'd be feeling much better by now. Instead I get to wait it out...5-10 days if I'm lucky...ugh...broke down and made Mikey make me some mashed taters cos they slide down so easily. Hard to work on the healthy diet when I can't get the healthy stuff down without major pain. But I had two days resting at home and now back at work and dealing OK. Between the scientific minds of myself, Mike and Azure...I'm sick cos my body was in some sort of shock not being fed the fake hormones it's been used to. I'm willing to buy this, but damn it's no fun. I had a good healthy streak working. Nothing but infertility and migraines...I didn't miss actual sickness...not at all...it was nice being so healthy, even if I spend a large portion of time in the Dr's office regardless...ugh

I guess that's enough for today...gonna get home in a bit and relax some more...trying not to overdo it on the actual talking part and working on warm drinks...they go down easier...oh and more mashed potatoes please! Man I missed that! mmm..mmm...mmmmmmmm

oh and on another note...I'm ignoring any little noises I'm getting from Lucy and Ethel right now...which means I'm getting some talking but doing my best to put my fingers in my ears and sing loudly "LALALALALALALAlALALALALALALALALALALA"

CD4 - It's official...I'm off for the next month...

OK...so this morning was not any fun. Got to the Dr office just in time for my 9:30 appt...whew...great...now...just let me sit here for the next HOUR and finally get called back...ugh...so I thought I'd be back to work by now...but no...just starting. So he realizes I'm not a happy camper and need to talk some things out but we do the scan first. Everything looks fine. If I hear him say something looks perfect one more time...I swear...it's not perfect...if it was...there would other things we are looking at and measuring and we wouldn't be sad and depressed and looking at taking a break. Sorry...Anger still here...I'm afraid I took it out a bit on the nurse when she was doing her usual duties...I'm sorry from afar.

So we talk...and he can tell...I need a break. I hate to take the time off...but it's just something we have to do. Somehow I'm supposed to put all this outta my mind for the month. Yeah...that'll happen. He said take a vacation, take some time off and go somewhere...I'm sorry...what part of financially exhausted do you not get? I'm asking how much stuff will cost next month is so I can save up...sure...let me just go book a cruise with all my free cash. ugh...sorry...I know he means well...and I'm just taking it the wrong way. Cos I do that. Ugh.

Next Wednesday I go in to have another exploratory procedure to see again if there is anything causing things not to work. It's called Hysterosalpingogram (HSG). Basically it's like my last one but it's done in the radiology department at the hospital cos they are forcing a radioactive dye thru everything and they have to take x-rays to see that everything is moving right...I don't know. I have a call in to see how much I'm gonna need to have with me Wednesday morning. Wondering if Mike's gonna have to miss out on this fun or if he'll get to be a part of it. hmmm...

Got the name of the shots I'll have to be doing next month...and a couple of numbers of pharmacies to call to see how much more that's gonna be. That should enable more follicles and therefor supposedly a higher chance of conception...so they say...

I guess that's it for now. Just need to let loose this month and relax...so...looking for cheap and easy ways to do so...have to work hard at not letting this crap run my life...least for the next 30 days or so...sigh...

CD2 - Ugh? Tired

So yeah...didn't work again. What's new? I'm tired...tired of it all. Will be back at the doctor this Thursday and I'll be seeing what I can do now. I know he's talked bout big guns...and I want to try to the big guns...cos I really want it to work...but how much will it cost? and what are my odds on it?

Mom thinks I need to take a break. Mike thinks I should take a break. I half think I should take a break.

IUIs were a bust. 6 for 6 and they were a loss...$1800 on IUIs alone. $610 on fertility medications alone and more for deductibles, other medications and other stuff insurance won't cover...$3200 in the last 6 months...no results.

6 months straight of getting my hopes up, having fake hormones pumped in me, stress piled on me, night sweats for a week for 6 months straight, huge let downs for 6 months straight...I'm tired.

So...I'm at a point where I'm torn...do I go for the big guns this month? Cos it could work? It could be the magic bullet! Or do I take a break and recharge and most likely prolong the process when I'm already 32 and not getting any younger...the older I get the more likely there could be for birth defects and such...but you hear so many people say...we couldn't get pregnant till we gave up...well my body doesn't seem to work properly without meds so I can't give up completely or take a break completely...I don't feel that will work really...is there some other procedure to explore why I'm not able?

See why I require distractions? I'll drive myself into the loony-bin with all these what-ifs and what-nots...I need a vacation from life. I need a way to step back and not have to make a decision...but that's impossible...my brain won't shut off and any break or vacation I see only postpones something that I've postponed too long to begin with...Trying hard not to throw in the towel but some days it's so tempting...just get some good antidepressant medications, some hypnotherapy to convince myself not to break down whenever I see a child or pregnant woman or ad about unplanned pregnancy and such...just give it all up...get everything yanked out to I no longer have any hope that it could happen...hope only fosters pain and disappointment right now...a friend told me it was OK to have some of these frustrated thoughts and ideas...but it's not. Nothing about this whole flipping process is OK. NOTHING. I'm mostly exhausted from trying to make it OK to me. This is the hand I'm dealt. I have to play with the cards I've been given. GIVE ME A NEW FREAKING DECK!

OK...I'm off to distract myself with work or a book or a TV show I don't really care bout but I can focus on for a bit so my anger simmers down...I know I got whiny and I got mad...I have to calm down...

CD28 - Calm and Decent

So there isn't much to report...just doing my best not to be anxious. Due to the meds helping my insulin regulate and therefor regulate my ovaries...I don't know how long this cycle is supposed to be this month. I'm guessing I have another day or two or who knows...I'm not a patient person. Been lost in my books lately and even got a few things listed up on ebay, seeing as we got a bit stretched this month.

The plan is to keep relaxed...hang out with some friends...talk books or watch some episodes...Work on clearing out Mike's "Man Cave" at home so he has a place to escape me...I mean so he can get some of his work done at home and not be distracted by me and the TV. There is a LOT of stuff in that room we need to chunk. I may go through some of my closets this weekend and see what I can do or convert some old t-shirts I can't wear into little cute throw pillows...Oh...in case you missed the pics on facebook...here is the finished button/blue jean project!

CD26 - Not a happy anniversary

Sometimes I think I dwell on some things too much...but a girl has to grieve and I truly think that if it wasn't for Michael Jackson and my best friend's son's birthday, these days would fade into sometime in June of last year, and sometime in July of that summer...but unfortunately...I have specific days to look back on and be extra sad. So on that note...a year ago today it was confirm via ultrasound that I had miscarried. That brought Hell down on my life for the remainder of the summer basically. I *knew* that I had a few days prior but to have it confirmed and all hope lost, was something I can't even fathom being able to explain fully.

This morning probably wasn't the greatest to get yet another negative result on a pregnancy test...that was bad on my part. But I've just been having hope lately and inklings that something may be working...guess it's either just the progesterone or it's too early...but with my cycle shorter who knows...

Just a bummer of a day today all around. Not sure exactly why I didn't just call in and say I couldn't find any big girl panties and stay home and in bed. I think it would have been justified. I just don't have a ton of time just sitting there to take off. Also, I can't just go out and do retail therapy right now to cheer myself up or distract myself...too damn broke. Why am I broke? cos I'm spending too much on what so many people take for granted...that and debt...but still...it's just not fair. How many women and teenage girls curse when they are late and hate the fact that they are pregnant...and here I am shelling out the bucks to try my damnest to get that way. Ugh...for another day I suppose...I can't risk getting that upset right now...and trust me, that irritates the crap outta me...

What I have on my side right now...a loving husband who puts up with me through all of this, good family & friends to help support me, and my weight is still going down. Forgot to mention I beat the hurdle of getting under 270 and I've been below for almost 2 weeks now...holding steady around 265...hoping that being broke and eating a little bit worse won't hurt that. Doing our best still to make the good choices.

I'm gonna go get lost in my book now...until work interrupts me...but I have to get away for a bit...lose myself in the world of Sookie...

CD-22 Quiet week

It's been a pretty quiet week. I haven't blogged cos I'm mostly trying to push stuff outta my head this month. It *seems* to be working. Least the pushing things outta my mind part. Not sure bout the rest...

Been keeping my mind occupied with reading...on Book #8 of 10 in the Sookie Stackhouse series...still loving it...although I hear #9 might be a trying book to get through...

Got my button project almost completed...gonna be finishing the binding hopefully this weekend up in BFE NE TX. Then I can start on my crazy quilt plan...we'll see how that goes...going with no pattern is kind of a weird thought for me but once I start...no stopping me I guess...hmmm

Nothing new to report really on the regular front. I'm just keeping my mind busy so it won't interfere. Tallied up some numbers on out of pocket how much we've paid this year alone...that wasn't the smartest thing for me to do...but oh well...now I have that stuck in my mind...but I'm trying to push it out. Doing the insert-able progesterone and annoyed by it but keeping it up for now. Doing really good on the Metformin and all that jazz...OK...that's my update for the end of this week...going back to reading before I have to go hang at the resource table for a grueling hour and a half...ugh...then it's back to reading til 4 and then packing the car and the mutts up and driving way too much for the weekend. Stay safe and cool!