CD5 - Answers at least...

Well been meaning to get to this for the past couple of days but kind of glad I was lazy and waited cos at least now I have more answers. So Month #1 off...had a great month. No expectations, good test to show everything was clear and unblocked...was able to relax and enjoy life. Was able to breathe...it was really good. Then boom I start...now for once I actually had no hormone medication and I had a 28 day textbook length cycle...no expectations...so why was I too down to come to work on Tuesday? Stupid hormones. I think it's just that and that alone. Can't control it...but guess I'm going to have to figure a way to work it out...can't keep taking a day off just cos I'm bleeding. I'm 32...I've been bleeding for MANY years now...it's not a "take a day off from work" excuse. Ugh...

So we went back to the doctor yesterday afternoon. While we were waiting Mikey and I decided that truly, we were barely able to catch our breath in one month after 17 or so months straight of crazy...So we wanted another month off. Explain that to Dr and he's cool with that and decides not to even bother with a scan since we wouldn't be doing anything this month regardless. I mentioned what I noticed this month and that I felt a lot of pain round the time that I ovulate and thought maybe I had...that made him want to check. So he does a scan and sure enough...my left ovary worked to produce a follicle without the help of meds...problem is...that without the meds, it didn't finish the job and it never released. So I have a 25mm "cyst" in that ovary. Couldn't do anything fertility wise this month anyway with it in the way. So I'm going for a month of the pill to make it get reabsorbed...fun times...go back to him on the 21st of September to make sure it's gone and go from there.

So long story short...my body wants to work without meds, but I don't think it can complete a freaking job without the meds...So that's kind of disheartening in itself. Mike is tired of the doctor process...so am I. Neither of us want to have to do this till we die...that's just what it feels like. I'm going with this month break, then see what we can do...maybe do the big guns next cycle and if that don't work...then I don't know...just give up?

I really wish I could be a bystander in all this...not know what I know. They always say knowledge is power...but in this case, knowledge is my prison. I know TOO MUCH bout what every tweak means and what every part of my body seems to do. Hell, I just learned that all these random pains I've had over the years when I've moved funny and felt like I had a twisted gut for a brief intense pain...that was just the cysts in my ovaries from the follicles that never got the message to release. Haven't had that in a long while...cos I've been on the hormone medication for so long so I've had follicles releasing and not hanging around to reabsorb on their own. Stupid Poly Cystic Ovary Syndrome...really wish I never met you. I really try not to regret anything in life...everything is something to learn from, to grow from...but F-U PCOS...I wish I never had met you...you SUCK!

OK...I'll try to get outta my pity party and enjoy the next couple of weeks...with the help of the pill, I have NO expectations so maybe when I start again I won't end up home "sick" cos I can't face the world cos my body failed yet again...I think that's it for today...

CD11 - trying to get over being sick

So I'm not even supposed to care what day of this "cycle" I'm on...I'm not supposed to care...but I can't help it...I simply know. I had my HSG yesterday...wasn't nearly as bad as I had feared. It was uncomfy when they were inserting the tube and such but that's completely normal. Supposedly he inflated a balloon as a stopper in my uterus...didn't feel it. I guess I was smart to take the Darvocet about an hour before I went in. I rock. Procedure took no time at all really and was like I said...other than the initial bit, painless. I really could have come back in to work...but seeing as I was dealing with the Throat issue/Viral infection...I just went home to rest anyways...and you never know when the cramping was gonna hit like after the saline procedure...it never hit by the way.

So results of the procedure...everything is great and clear. Fallopian tubes are twisty and turny like they are supposed to be but they are free and clear there is nothing in the uterus that is showing up as an abnormality. Great! Things look awesome...now why the Hell is crap not working...lol...as I said yesterday to a few friends in a text update...Audrey's Mystery Science Theater continues...

My Dr will be so pleased that everything looks perfect again. He loves when everything looks perfect...I do too...just not so much when stuff still doesn't work. But who knows...

That's the update on that in case anybody was out there wondering. Still battling this stupid viral infection that's making me feel like I have Strep throat...again...if I just had tested positive for that, I could have had a damn shot and I'd be feeling much better by now. Instead I get to wait it out...5-10 days if I'm lucky...ugh...broke down and made Mikey make me some mashed taters cos they slide down so easily. Hard to work on the healthy diet when I can't get the healthy stuff down without major pain. But I had two days resting at home and now back at work and dealing OK. Between the scientific minds of myself, Mike and Azure...I'm sick cos my body was in some sort of shock not being fed the fake hormones it's been used to. I'm willing to buy this, but damn it's no fun. I had a good healthy streak working. Nothing but infertility and migraines...I didn't miss actual sickness...not at all...it was nice being so healthy, even if I spend a large portion of time in the Dr's office regardless...ugh

I guess that's enough for today...gonna get home in a bit and relax some more...trying not to overdo it on the actual talking part and working on warm drinks...they go down easier...oh and more mashed potatoes please! Man I missed that! mmm..mmm...mmmmmmmm

oh and on another note...I'm ignoring any little noises I'm getting from Lucy and Ethel right now...which means I'm getting some talking but doing my best to put my fingers in my ears and sing loudly "LALALALALALALAlALALALALALALALALALALA"

CD4 - It's official...I'm off for the next month...

OK...so this morning was not any fun. Got to the Dr office just in time for my 9:30 appt...whew...great...now...just let me sit here for the next HOUR and finally get called back...ugh...so I thought I'd be back to work by now...but no...just starting. So he realizes I'm not a happy camper and need to talk some things out but we do the scan first. Everything looks fine. If I hear him say something looks perfect one more time...I swear...it's not perfect...if it was...there would other things we are looking at and measuring and we wouldn't be sad and depressed and looking at taking a break. Sorry...Anger still here...I'm afraid I took it out a bit on the nurse when she was doing her usual duties...I'm sorry from afar.

So we talk...and he can tell...I need a break. I hate to take the time off...but it's just something we have to do. Somehow I'm supposed to put all this outta my mind for the month. Yeah...that'll happen. He said take a vacation, take some time off and go somewhere...I'm sorry...what part of financially exhausted do you not get? I'm asking how much stuff will cost next month is so I can save up...sure...let me just go book a cruise with all my free cash. ugh...sorry...I know he means well...and I'm just taking it the wrong way. Cos I do that. Ugh.

Next Wednesday I go in to have another exploratory procedure to see again if there is anything causing things not to work. It's called Hysterosalpingogram (HSG). Basically it's like my last one but it's done in the radiology department at the hospital cos they are forcing a radioactive dye thru everything and they have to take x-rays to see that everything is moving right...I don't know. I have a call in to see how much I'm gonna need to have with me Wednesday morning. Wondering if Mike's gonna have to miss out on this fun or if he'll get to be a part of it. hmmm...

Got the name of the shots I'll have to be doing next month...and a couple of numbers of pharmacies to call to see how much more that's gonna be. That should enable more follicles and therefor supposedly a higher chance of conception...so they say...

I guess that's it for now. Just need to let loose this month and relax...so...looking for cheap and easy ways to do so...have to work hard at not letting this crap run my life...least for the next 30 days or so...sigh...

CD2 - Ugh? Tired

So yeah...didn't work again. What's new? I'm tired...tired of it all. Will be back at the doctor this Thursday and I'll be seeing what I can do now. I know he's talked bout big guns...and I want to try to the big guns...cos I really want it to work...but how much will it cost? and what are my odds on it?

Mom thinks I need to take a break. Mike thinks I should take a break. I half think I should take a break.

IUIs were a bust. 6 for 6 and they were a loss...$1800 on IUIs alone. $610 on fertility medications alone and more for deductibles, other medications and other stuff insurance won't cover...$3200 in the last 6 months...no results.

6 months straight of getting my hopes up, having fake hormones pumped in me, stress piled on me, night sweats for a week for 6 months straight, huge let downs for 6 months straight...I'm tired.

So...I'm at a point where I'm torn...do I go for the big guns this month? Cos it could work? It could be the magic bullet! Or do I take a break and recharge and most likely prolong the process when I'm already 32 and not getting any younger...the older I get the more likely there could be for birth defects and such...but you hear so many people say...we couldn't get pregnant till we gave up...well my body doesn't seem to work properly without meds so I can't give up completely or take a break completely...I don't feel that will work really...is there some other procedure to explore why I'm not able?

See why I require distractions? I'll drive myself into the loony-bin with all these what-ifs and what-nots...I need a vacation from life. I need a way to step back and not have to make a decision...but that's impossible...my brain won't shut off and any break or vacation I see only postpones something that I've postponed too long to begin with...Trying hard not to throw in the towel but some days it's so tempting...just get some good antidepressant medications, some hypnotherapy to convince myself not to break down whenever I see a child or pregnant woman or ad about unplanned pregnancy and such...just give it all up...get everything yanked out to I no longer have any hope that it could happen...hope only fosters pain and disappointment right now...a friend told me it was OK to have some of these frustrated thoughts and ideas...but it's not. Nothing about this whole flipping process is OK. NOTHING. I'm mostly exhausted from trying to make it OK to me. This is the hand I'm dealt. I have to play with the cards I've been given. GIVE ME A NEW FREAKING DECK!

OK...I'm off to distract myself with work or a book or a TV show I don't really care bout but I can focus on for a bit so my anger simmers down...I know I got whiny and I got mad...I have to calm down...

CD28 - Calm and Decent

So there isn't much to report...just doing my best not to be anxious. Due to the meds helping my insulin regulate and therefor regulate my ovaries...I don't know how long this cycle is supposed to be this month. I'm guessing I have another day or two or who knows...I'm not a patient person. Been lost in my books lately and even got a few things listed up on ebay, seeing as we got a bit stretched this month.

The plan is to keep relaxed...hang out with some friends...talk books or watch some episodes...Work on clearing out Mike's "Man Cave" at home so he has a place to escape me...I mean so he can get some of his work done at home and not be distracted by me and the TV. There is a LOT of stuff in that room we need to chunk. I may go through some of my closets this weekend and see what I can do or convert some old t-shirts I can't wear into little cute throw pillows...Oh...in case you missed the pics on facebook...here is the finished button/blue jean project!

CD26 - Not a happy anniversary

Sometimes I think I dwell on some things too much...but a girl has to grieve and I truly think that if it wasn't for Michael Jackson and my best friend's son's birthday, these days would fade into sometime in June of last year, and sometime in July of that summer...but unfortunately...I have specific days to look back on and be extra sad. So on that note...a year ago today it was confirm via ultrasound that I had miscarried. That brought Hell down on my life for the remainder of the summer basically. I *knew* that I had a few days prior but to have it confirmed and all hope lost, was something I can't even fathom being able to explain fully.

This morning probably wasn't the greatest to get yet another negative result on a pregnancy test...that was bad on my part. But I've just been having hope lately and inklings that something may be working...guess it's either just the progesterone or it's too early...but with my cycle shorter who knows...

Just a bummer of a day today all around. Not sure exactly why I didn't just call in and say I couldn't find any big girl panties and stay home and in bed. I think it would have been justified. I just don't have a ton of time just sitting there to take off. Also, I can't just go out and do retail therapy right now to cheer myself up or distract myself...too damn broke. Why am I broke? cos I'm spending too much on what so many people take for granted...that and debt...but still...it's just not fair. How many women and teenage girls curse when they are late and hate the fact that they are pregnant...and here I am shelling out the bucks to try my damnest to get that way. Ugh...for another day I suppose...I can't risk getting that upset right now...and trust me, that irritates the crap outta me...

What I have on my side right now...a loving husband who puts up with me through all of this, good family & friends to help support me, and my weight is still going down. Forgot to mention I beat the hurdle of getting under 270 and I've been below for almost 2 weeks now...holding steady around 265...hoping that being broke and eating a little bit worse won't hurt that. Doing our best still to make the good choices.

I'm gonna go get lost in my book now...until work interrupts me...but I have to get away for a bit...lose myself in the world of Sookie...

CD-22 Quiet week

It's been a pretty quiet week. I haven't blogged cos I'm mostly trying to push stuff outta my head this month. It *seems* to be working. Least the pushing things outta my mind part. Not sure bout the rest...

Been keeping my mind occupied with reading...on Book #8 of 10 in the Sookie Stackhouse series...still loving it...although I hear #9 might be a trying book to get through...

Got my button project almost completed...gonna be finishing the binding hopefully this weekend up in BFE NE TX. Then I can start on my crazy quilt plan...we'll see how that goes...going with no pattern is kind of a weird thought for me but once I start...no stopping me I guess...hmmm

Nothing new to report really on the regular front. I'm just keeping my mind busy so it won't interfere. Tallied up some numbers on out of pocket how much we've paid this year alone...that wasn't the smartest thing for me to do...but oh well...now I have that stuck in my mind...but I'm trying to push it out. Doing the insert-able progesterone and annoyed by it but keeping it up for now. Doing really good on the Metformin and all that jazz...OK...that's my update for the end of this week...going back to reading before I have to go hang at the resource table for a grueling hour and a half...ugh...then it's back to reading til 4 and then packing the car and the mutts up and driving way too much for the weekend. Stay safe and cool!

CD18 - Restful weekend for the most part

So on Friday we went in and saw the doc. the follicles had grown...23.5mm and 24.5 and my lining was 10.8. He saw some free fluid telling him that I was starting the ovulation process. So we went ahead and did the IUI and he called in a trigger shot for me...IUI was a little bit more uncomfortable this time but nothing horrible. I had a bit of confusion due to the language and wording he was using concerning some medication and I got a bit flustered. The confusion revolved around the great fun progesterone that I have to insert nightly...I just wish he'd give me a new script cos I hate using the bottle I had to get from my old doc when I was miscarrying last summer. It just brings up the memory all too clear when I even touch the bottle...maybe I'll just transfer them to a new container tonight...yeah...that's what I'll do. That was the main issue with my fluster-ment on Friday. I decided during my waiting period after the procedure that I just didn't need to go in to work that day. I just wanted to go home and relax. So that was the plan...go grab a bit to eat, grab my shot, give it to myself, and go home...ugh...not how it happened.

We went and grabbed lunch just fine. Go to the pharmacy all the way in Bryan, there is confusion and craziness there...I'm in the drive thru and there gets to be a LONG line behind me and I hate that so I just pull around and go in. He called in something new. Something I couldn't give to myself. Great. It cost $40 more too...awesome. Is it better? who knows. So the pharmacists were going to give me a syringe so I could do it myself, but it was finally determined that I just needed to take it all back to the Dr's office and have them give it to me. I call them to let them know I'm heading there...they say cool...so we trek back down to the South side of College Station and get the shot...shots that is...cos it was so large, it couldn't be given at once...like my little last one I could just give myself in the tummy...nooo...I got a shot in both hips...only one bled, they both burned like Hell and then I was back on my way to just go home. Wasn't home until 2:30 or so...ugh...glad I took the day off instead of emailing my boss...OK...one more thing I gotta do and then I'll be there...oh wait...one more thing I gotta take care of...be in in a bit...ugh...went home and just laid down and read for a bit. Had a friend come over that evening and we grilled and hung out for a bit...just relaxing. Felt a few twinges I thought were from the shot but who knows...

Saturday, I sat around and read and worked on sewing more buttons on my quilt...who's idea were all these buttons again?...few twinges and pangs but nothing like with my other trigger shot so not really sure what's going on there. Nothing exciting happened...

Sunday...again...lazy day...mostly sewing buttons on that quilt. I'm bout 80% done with that portion. Hope to finish off the buttons this week so I can take it with me to the in-laws to finish out the binding on it this weekend. Again, few twinges but nothing remarkable. I'm left wondering if this more expensive shot was working or not...

So this morning we run back into the doc cos he wanted to do a quick scan to see if I ovulated. Thankfully he did this at no charge. Music to my ears. From what he could tell, one follicle was still there but was shrinking, one follicle had released and was collapsing, there was an excess of free fluid showing that one had at least ruptured. I should have asked him if he thought this was recent as in last 24 hours or what. The trigger shots I thought were supposed to work within 24-48 hrs. The egg is viable for 24 hours after the rupture...sperm are viable anywhere from 2-5 days depending on who you ask...numbers game...I'm trying to win here...

So that's where we stand currently. I don't know anymore than that. I wish I didn't know that much. They say knowledge is power but it only leaves me asking more questions in my head and I gotta stop that. I think I'll have a glass of wine tonight to get my brain to wind down a bit. Trying to be cautiously optimistic...not sure how that operates though...truly don't...

Come on big money! Big money! Momma need a baby to tote around!

CD14 - got reason for twinges

OK...So we were at the Dr this morning. I forgot my blanket and footies...not cool...it's cold in there in the mornings and the paper drapes don't do crap. ugh. It was determined it wasn't that big of a deal so I didn't stop and get another one on the way there. So things are good and progressing well. He couldn't really locate the Ethel...she's super shy this month and since it's her month off...it wasn't worth the pain it was causing me to find it. Lucy has been plenty busy. She's got 3 follicles although one is small and doesn't truly count. The others are right around 20mm each. One was 19.5 and the other was 20.4 or something like that. He said it's looking like they are getting ready to ovulate soon...there was some free fluid that was indicating that. So far I'm not supposed to do a trigger shot. He doesn't want to mess with what my body is doing currently. I wish he'd keep a steady rule on all this. Some months he's like the shot is the only way to be sure...now it's all...don't want to mess with what's going on here...ugh...We'll see what tomorrow brings.

My ovulation tests this morning were definitely stronger and that's a good sign. Things are progressing faster in the cycle...thanks to supposedly the Metformin uppage. I'm sure it's helping...just wasn't sure it would take effect so quick...who knows. We go in tomorrow morning for the IUI...#6 of 6...no pressure...we may have another option for next month...if my Insulin levels are low enough...otherwise...it's on to IVF...5-10K a shot...not in our budget...at all...so...no pressure...none at all...I don't know where I get the stress from...ugh...OK...time to focus on something else...distractions...where oh where are you? hehehe

CD13 - getting some twinges

So I have my Dr Appt tomorrow morning. So far nothing too conclusive on the ovulation test strips. Barely barely faint line showing up. I'm getting messages from both Lucy and Ethel the last few days...I can't really say who's speaking the loudest, but they are talking. Hell, I guess they could just be yelling at each other. Who knows.

I'll of course give another update tomorrow with whatever the Dr has to say. I know y'all just can't wait to learn what my ovaries are producing this month...LMAO. I know I'm funny. If you read this, it's because you either care or are just nosey. Either way...It doesn't matter to me. I would like to think it's because ya care and are hoping the best for me. It doesn't matter particularly to me because this is one of my tools for getting through this grueling process. It helps me to track and be able to look back and say...was I doing this last month? or is this something new?

I got to see a family that I consider good friends last night. I haven't seen them since basically our wedding in 2002. I babysat for them since their oldest was around 8 or 9 months...watched him grow up and also wated his little brother and sister too. They left the Bryan area when the youngest was still about 2 I guess. They were all in my wedding and they were all adorable. Now the oldest is 15 and the youngest is 10...I am feeling old. 15 year old is now 6 foot and that was insane to me. I knew it would happen cos his dad is tall and lanky too, but still...8 years ago he was a shorter but still lanky 7 year old. It was good to see them. I was a little nervous but it was a great time. Mom wanted me to get pictures but I just wasn't up for that. I'm sure I can get Debbie to send me some pics when they get back home to Ohio.

Other than that...I'm now on Book #6 in the TruBlood books...thanks Katie for feeding my addiction. Sorry Azure, you were too slow to restock me. LOL I'm totally engrossed in the series and even have Mike interested in reading them and getting the series to watch. It's great to retreat into a world so clear to me but so different from my real life and troubles.

OK...back to shredding if my shredder has cooled back down yet...it keeps overheating cos I'm working it too hard. Keep having flashes like I would have been good to work for Enron back in the day...OK...back to it...I see the end of my shred box soon in my future!