CD4 - Google is a wonderful thing

I know I'm going to use some abbreviations that not everyone understands...I apologize for that. Google is a wonderful device though...lol

IUI (Inter-Uterine Insemination) - Sperm gets "washed" and dead ones are removed and the healthy ones are put into a protein solution and basically injected into the uterus through a catheter.

IF - Simply Infertility

TTC - Trying To Conceive

CD - Cycle Day

Femara - hormonal medication I take to force my broken system to ovulate

Trigger Shot (HCG shot) - what they give me when I should ovulate around Friday or Saturday but they don't work on weekends so we have to do an IUI on a Friday and that's the best chance to make sure I ovulate within the next 24-48 hours. (side note: shot itself doesn't hurt at ALL...the after effects bring me to my knees...and I can't walk without being hunched over for 3 days)

Hysterosonogram - Procedure to check out the uterine lining via saline being pumped into the uterus through another tortured catheter and an internal sonogram wand to check for any abnormalities. (this was done last month and man did that make my day a whole Hell of a lot of fun...)

Umm...can't think of any others at the moment but I'm sure I will and I will try to be better bout definitions.

So on another note...I was advising a friend yesterday that she needed to use her creativity as method for Therapy to get through life while we battle through this fight. I told her to draw, to paint, to sew, to arrange flowers, to cry when she needed to and to scream when she needed to as well.

I tried to take my own advice last night when I got home. I'm having issues working on my current quilt. I'm not good at making things all the right size evidently...so I'm having to redo a square...recut what I needed to and laid it out. Sewed it partially together and then I fizzled out. I really need to get it done. It's gonna be gorgeous. It's just the creative part is kind of out of it right now. I designed it. That was creative. I picked out the fabrics. That was creative and fun. Now it's down to mechanics and I hate mechanics. lol But alas I will get it done one way or another...gotta wrangle my Math Degree'd hubby's mind to work out my interior square deminsions cos I had to go and make it difficult on myself. Tonight I will hit it again and maybe get to that point as long as this square is better sized than the last one. lol Here is a pic of at least one of the squares...

Work is getting to the busy season and I'm hoping nothing gets scheduled on the morning I want to do my IUI...cos you know what...I'm doing an IUI...if I have to miss a hearing...so be it. It will get done. Helping some friend move into their first home that they bought this weekend. Think we are painting Friday evening and moving on Saturday. Gotta find some energy somewhere.

Guess that's all for today...toodles!

Changes afloat around here, CD3

OK...it's been decided and I'm gonna try my best to keep up with it...The blog is now bout me trying to get pregnant and the Hellish journey it takes us on. I guess I've felt closeted bout all this. It's not that I'm not an open person and if you ask the right questions I won't tell you everything in way too many details that you'll only regret asking...but I don't know. I feel this gives me a voice. other women out there have found theirs in this fight. Now I'm making room for mine. I am Infertile with PCOS...hear me ROAR! LMAO

OK. First thing to know bout me is I can't get through life without a sense of humor. I can't get through this process only on despair. I have to find a happy medium and not be ashamed of when I need to vent and when I need to curl up and cry and when I want to beat my head against the wall or when I need to just scream!

Second thing to know is that this blog is not for the extremely squeamish. If you don't want to read bout the eccentricities of the human reproductive model in the Dr's office...then stop reading. Give up and move on. Cos I will talk bout dildo cam scans for cysts, for follicles, Intro-Uterine Insemination's (IUI's) and a host of other stuff. I'm not shy. I've had Doctor's and Interns look under the trunk and at this point...who cares anymore. I just want a damn child...a red headed one would be preferred...but at this point I'm not picky...there is always hair dye.

So here we go...a brief history...We've been trying to get pregnant since we got married in October of 2002. Just doing the regular married couple thing, thinking we'd have no trouble. End of 2008, we decided we might just need some assistance. Found a Doctor who I thought was great...started the whole process with him at the beginning of 2009. He put me on birth control to reset my system for 6 weeks and then started me on Femara...after 3 months on Femara, we managed to get pregnant and were overjoyed. That was short lived. At about 7.5 weeks i started spotting. Went to the Dr cos of course I was a bit scared. Had the worst internal ultrasound of my life, and by worst, I mean most painful...and saw a heartbeat...signs of life just fine. After a bit more of an extremely painful ultrasound...we left only to go home and miscarry. I'm not fighting the feeling anymore that I blame that horrible Dr...but I continue to go to him for the remainder of the year cos I was in denial. he had to put me on anti-depressants for about a month because I couldn't function. My world had been ripped away from me. We continued on with him for the remainder of 2009. No success and we seriously butted heads on who knew my body better...me or him.

I won and found a new doctor. I love my new Doctor so far. I'm still on Femara and we have had 3 cycles with IUI's. So far nothing has happened. What has happened is my wonderful hubby is on more vitamins and has totally improved everything on his end...and now it's just my body that won't time things right or get everything lined up properly. I'm crossing my fingers that the stars and charts and follicles will align properly this month in the middle of a week so we can get this to freaking work. Each IUI at my Doctor is $300. Not as bad as I feared but not cheap, especially when you are really focused on reducing your debt like we are. So finally I am allowing my wonderful and giving mother to help this month with a loan...that I will pay her back...see it's in writing...it'll have to happen this time.

Each IUI has been it's own interesting and mostly painful story. First was OK, but since it was the first things were rather sore. Second would have been fine but he had to give me a trigger shot to force ovulation because it was a Friday and my follicles hadn't popped yet...that had me where I couldn't walk straight for 3 days my abdomen was so tight. The 3rd was such a pain from the get-go because I was nuts and mentioned we thought some from the last IUI had trickled out...don't ever tell your doctor that if you go through this...cos then he basically left the speculum in, but allowed it to close on my cervix while I laid there and waited for 10-15 minutes...let that sink in...um...OUCH...I had trouble walking out of the office, much less drive home and lay down all day...finally he called me in some meds I could take for the pain. So I'm hoping this next round of IUI will not have any curve balls and nothing will be allowed to be clamped onto my cervix...I will kick him if he tries...

OK...now I have to say...I have a wonderful and supportive husband who loves me through all this craziness. He goes to every single Dr's appointment I go to, is in the room with me in the back with the doctor, Hell, he's his assistant half the time...I think we should be getting a discount. But regardless...he's my rock and I couldn't go through all this without him. I made sure and approved changing this blog over to this format with him before I went through with it. We have no secrets and we are an open book with each other.

So for this cycle...We are currently on Cycle Day 3. Went in for the Day 3 scan to check for cysts that could be blocking follicles...have my next appt for May 11th for a follicle scan unless I ovulate sooner than that. Hoping for an IUI on the 11th or 12th...and then the dreaded wait will begin.

Frustrated ranblings...

I just don't know if I have it in me anymore. I mean I know I do...it's just exhausting. My weight is coming down, little by little....and I have a wonderful loving husband who is very understanding...that's bout all I feel I have going for me right now.

I've been quiet on here as of late just cos I felt like if I said anything I'd jinx myself or add more stress...I am sick and tired of TTC and IF running my life. But if I stop everything, I lose a LOT of hope and such for my future and that's not good for my mindset. This is something that I want more than anything in the world. Something I've wanted for way too damn long.

I just need to vent...I'm tired. I'm jealous of all those who come at this so easily. Hell I'm jealous of those that it doesn't come to so easy but least it still comes to them. I can't even fathom going baby shopping for my best friend in the world...which is why she's getting a one of a kind quilt from me. Baby isles cause panic attacks in me. Baby and pregnancy announcements on FaceBook are bout to drive me crazy...sorry...but for those of you being "blessed" and wanting to share...I just block your updates. Somewhere I'm happy for ya...whether it's your 1st or your 5th...but damnit...can I not just have 1? Until that day...this is the only way to keep me somewhat sane.

I changed radio stations last week when they did a radiothon for Children's Miracle Network. Couldn't take it. I refuse to listen to the pregnant DJ that's on the station from 10-2...good thing I don't go to lunch often. I change the channel everything I hear a radio ad for my ex Dr who I blame for my loss...I was feeling like I was the only person that had these feelings of jealousy and and annoyance and hatred even...but a few clicks into the world of TTC blogs and I know I'm not. Hell, I was contemplating therapy to work through this...and for those that know me...know that's not an option I take lightly. I feel normal when I read those blogs. I cry...but I still feel normal. I don't seem to have anyone that I actually know know that is in my position. So I have to reach out and find it in strangers I'll never meet.

I feel my life is ruled by this. 2 weeks of knowing I'm not, followed by 2 weeks hoping with all I have that maybe this time will work...then rinse, cry, scream, beat a wall, repeat. I would take a break but damnit I'm not getting any younger and age is just adding to things. PCOS and my body just don't want to work right. I even get irrational thoughts of being so mad at my body for not cooperating...least I know they are irrational. When I think they are logical and deserved then we can worry bout my mindset. I know I'm rambling...

I had said last month that if this cycle didn't take, I was going to take a break from the doctors...least the procedures...for 6 months and focus on health and losing weight and still trying the old natural way...but I'm not sure I can...I don't know. I may have to take mom up on her offer of a loan to help us out. Hate the thought but we are working so hard to dig outta debt that this is setting us back majorly...and the past few months my timing has been off and fallen around a weekend...which sucks since my Dr doesn't work weekends...this cycle, things are predicted to fall in the middle of the week. Maybe, just maybe, that'll be what we need. Just perfecting the timing of the IUI and all will work. I mean I actually managed to get pregnant once before...why not now? Everything that has been checked doesn't show any signs to be in the way to hinder anything. My body is just broke...so is my heart right now.

I'm slowly pulling myself back up and getting ready to get back in the saddle...least the stirrups at the Dr office...haha...humor...it really does help me get through...I know I will get through somehow but until then...I vent. I bitch. I whine. I eat a few chocolate covered strawberries to get by. I dig out a little more hope from my hope chest...it's running low but I still seem some scraps. I cry a bit more and I look ahead. We'll see. That's all I can manage at this point...

Thanks for letting me vent interwebs...