CD?? - A new start

Well so I screwed things up when I went off the pill early this past month but I just had to...just had to...really had no choice. Result is that we have no idea where we stand in the fact of where in a cycle I am. Went in to the Dr yesterday morning and we talked and he did his scan...cyst is gone so yay...even though he had a really difficult time locating Ethel...she's a shy girl...either that or she just likes to roam...or both really. Lining in my uterus was only 7mm so he didn't think I was getting to a point to start bleeding even...Hell I feel like I've spotted enough in the past two weeks to constitute a period almost...ugh

We talked about the stress that has been involved with the past IUI process...the money is most of the stress for me. Even if it's a loan that's a gift to me...it's still money...and nothing stresses me out more than money. I want to try these big guns he's proposed but that's adding another 450-500 bucks to the mix bringing the monthly tally up to a grand. I know it's not about the money...it's bout the chance to get pregnant...it doesn't matter how I look at it though...I see the money out as gambling cos there is nothing for sure in this process...and that's a huge stress on me. So I asked him if we could go back to the simpler method that would alleviate the major money stress for me and the cheaper method worked before, just didn't stick for whatever reason we want to blame it on. He's luckily agreed to do that with me.

I am back on Femara. He said now was as good a time to start as any since we have no idea where to put me on a cycle chart. (BTW - in case I hadn't mentioned it previously, I went off the birth control pills early because of the humongously negative effect it had on my moods and overall psyche. It got bad and I got smart and stopped them and the Dr is OK with this...just puts me in a weird chart place now...) I started the Femara last night which I normally would do on Day 3 so we could call this Day 4...since I haven't started I see myself as on Day 31...ugh...I know what days to take the femara and I know what days to start testing for ovulation...I guess that's all that counts.

Gonna go back to no advil, backing down on caffeine, watching my relaxation techniques...all the things I've done in the past but I'm gonna try not to stress...I'm only paying for co-pays (which I don't even know if he'll have me come in for measuring or not...) and the Femara...so that's as low as I can get my money out to get and I'm really OK with that.

On a non-me related issue...I know I'm amazed too...lol...all my good thoughts are going out to a friend who needs em right now. Still keeping my fingers crossed for her...she may have a rough road ahead of her but I'll be here for her either way it goes. Least I will do my best to do so. (See it still had something to do with me...hehe)

Guess that's it for today...

CD18 - WTF? I think I'm getting cheated

So...I'm on the pill this month...trying to reabsorb my cyst...regain some semblance of a life again as well...so starting a couple of days ago...I start spotting...only 11 pills into this pack. And yes it's very minor but seriously? I get to the point where I'm just getting home last night and I'm full on cramping...but nothing big or major on the bleeding front...It's stressing me out...so I call the Dr this morning...ask if it's normal. She makes sure I haven't skipped a pill...makes sure I'm taking at the same time everyday...yes and yes...OK...hold on for a bit...she comes back and says yep...all normal...I'm like seriously? I was promised at least another week and a half of a "break" for this month. Now things are getting a little heavier and I don't know WTF to think. I know there is nothing I can do about it. It is what it is...I'm just tired of my body not working the way it's expected to.

And as far as the cyst goes...I don't know...I still am getting my little pangs of pain over there...and now today they are pretty strong from Lucy too...I'm very close to throwing my hands up in the air...waving them like I just don't care and say yank it all out...I'm sick and tired of it all. Slap me into some hormone therapy and get me on some good anti-depressants and I'll live out the rest of my life in oblivion...can we make this work?

I've gotten no closer to finding the gray area between being under strict Dr care and meds and procedures to make this work & just giving up completely. Mike says we can get my PCOS under control. I just not seeing it. I'm tired...maybe that's clouding my judgment. I don't know...right now I just feel cheated of my month of no cares and no worries...ugh...FML